The trials and tribulations of Agrippina Valeria Tullius
by Zeschi das Mondkalb
Summary: Hi folks! I'll start a new story based on the awesome mod Project AHO. AHO is for aetherium hyperspace observatory. The story is told by Agrippina Valeria Tullius, daughter of general Tullius. One day, she listens to the ramblings of a supposed Trinimac priest. Too bad that the orc is in fact a slave trader. Agrippina gets kidnapped and thus starts an epic adventure.
1. Chapter 1

The trials and tribulations of Agrippina Valeria Tullius

a. n.: I'm going to tell the story of Agrippina Valeria Tullius. She's my character and – yeah you guessed it – daughter of general Tullius. She's abducted when only being 16 years old and sold into slavery. She's bought by a weirdo Telvanni egghead in the secret Dunmer village of Sadrith Kegran. Thus starts an epic tale of scholarship, strange Dwemer devices and – a spaceship? Yeah kind of… But enough said.

disclaimer: I don't own most of the characters. That honour goes to the fantastic modders of Project AHO (Aetherium Hyperspace Observatory). Really great work! Especially that Lord-of-the-Rings easteregg in the ruins of Bkahlzarf. *lol* Heavy spoilers ahead! You have been warned.

list of characters (dramatis personae):

Agrippina Valeria Tullius: daughter to general Tullius. After some grumbling about a divines-forsaken province, she joined her father in Skyrim. One day, she makes the grave mistake of listening to the ramblings of a supposed priest of Trinimac. It was all a ruse to kidnap her.

master Shannath Selthrie: Agrippina's new owner, Telvanni wizard and asshole of the highest order. He led an expedition into Skyrim, an expedition that researched the Dwemer culture and ruins. The expedition found a Dwemer aetherium mining and processing facility named Bkhalzarf. But as of late, Shannath Selthrie has grown ill with memory loss. So he let the local alchemist brew a special tea for him. But that only made the problem worse. Now he's freaking mad on top of senile. Sero Selthrie has got an artificial eye!

master Yen-Ilu: the slightly nicer Telvanni egghead. He's a honkin' cool Dunmer cyborg and shows more foresight and kindness than sero Selthrie. He's got an artifical eye _and_ a right arm made completely out of metal and some implants in his head. I'd advise Agrippina to stay on his good side. He's Shannath's colleague-turned-rival. Let's just say they have a complicated history.

consul Marisa Verendas: Talk about strong women! She's one of the two leaders of Sadrith Kegran. Spends her days sitting on her throne in the council hall of Tel And. She's the main supporter of slavery in town.

Dalos Verendas: Marisa's son is the landlord of Sadrith Kegran. He owns the "Chitin & Flin" cornerclub.

consul Ever Milo: He's the other leader of Sadrith Kegran and writes the town's chronicles. He's got a quest for you like almost all the inhabitants of Sadrith Kegran.

the late Tolisia Milo: Ever's wife. She died in an experiment 15 years ago.

Evo Mils: the local Morag Tong leader. He's a cheery fellow to boot. Yep, he is. He says "I've got the writ for an honourable execution with your name on it." Then he continues "Just joking!" *sigh and eye-roll* A small bunch of Morag Tong operate as town guard for Sadrith Kegran.

the Rendos: Varen Rendo is the overworked local blacksmith. He'd like to have an n'wah to work his forge. But he's been outbidded at the last slave auction. Merano is Varen's wayward son. The rascal probably comes only home to eat and sleep. He prefers to tinker on his Dwemer machine named Vespar. Is that…no way! It can't be a motorcycle, can it? Bikes in Skyrim, now I've seen it all. He also tried to get in master Selthrie's good graces: an impossible feat. Galsa the mother works at the Sadrith Kegran farmstead.

Tamina Elenil: She's the village alchemist. What's her slogan again? "Potions to bring you to the grave or raise you back from it." *gulp* Note to self: don't want to make her angry…

Midnabi: She's an upstart young artist that moved in from Solstheim. Her workshop is full of beautiful paintings: lady Azura, the Moesring glacier on Solstheim, a Khajit wizard, the temple of the High Fane in Vivec city, the devil-under-the-mountain… But she's into skooma abuse to further her inspiration. Stupid girl! She's got enough talent without being high.

the Sendus: Bralys Sendu is the village hunter. He's one beefy Dunmer. He's got the opinion that "Daggers are a girl's best friends." Oh how wrong he is!

the late Lynabi Sendu: The poor woman's been mauled to death by a bear while hunting. Bralys still blames himself for the incident.

Aryni Sendu: their daughter. She's well protected. Father dearest never takes her on a hunting trip. Understandable, given the tragic fate of her mother.

Maren Dwyn: Bralys' hunting companion and future son-in-law. Aha!

the Andavels: Tadys and Selveni own the Sadrith Kegran farmstead. It's established under a huuuge Dwemer dome with an artifical sun, air exchange vents and watering system. Pine trees and vegetables grow there and the Andavels keep a small flock of netch.

the Orys couple: Serer and Zarona. They are the new Dunmer in town. They moved in from the Grey Quarters of Windhelm. I can't blame them for leaving that dismal place. But they have to wait until their mushroom pod is fully grown. So they lodge at the inn.

Shaglak gro-Yarog: the local trader and slave trader. He's the adopted son of sera Verendas and step brother of Dalos.

Rasputin the vampire: He's the other slave of Shannath Selthrie. I dubbed him so. In the game, he's just tagged as "n'wah", which I find kind of boring. Rasputin leads a short, unhappy life pent up in a cage adorned with garlic braids and under the constant threat of a silver sword.

Ra'zhirra: the only slave in Sadrith Kegran that has still got his tongue working. All the others have been made mute, except for Agrippina. The Khajit is the local rumour monger. For a moderate fee of 20 drakes, he will tell Agrippina the latest gossip. But he only does so when he's not under scrutiny.

Oh dear, I almost forgot the Amusing Mudcrab. It's the only crustacean with a trading license in all of Tamriel. No dear reader: your eyes are _not_ playing tricks on you. A haggling, coin-counting mudcrab. The funny little scuttler can be found at the Sadrith Kegran graveyard.

And last but not least: Slyboots! It's an abandoned experiment of master Selthrie's, an experiment gone awry. The poor thing looks like the Halloween edition of a burnt spriggan. It's locked up in the Sadrith Kegran catacombs, locked up for a good reason. Master Selthrie made it to be a carnivore. In a quest, Agrippina can climb down into the pitch black catacombs and meet Slyboots. Whether this meeting is fatal for Slyboots or not… Well let's see.


	2. Chapter 1: Agrippa's worst day ever!

Author's notes: In this chapter, I will tell how Agrippina ended up with a slave necklace clapped to her neck. I may take some liberties, as I only played the mod once and don't know the script by heart – yet. (Next time, I'll be on Shannath Selthrie's side and to Oblivion with the consequences!)

Disclaimer: I didn't create Project AHO. That honour goes to the modder known as Dimonoider. Great work by the way! I only "borrow" his cast and crew. And Agrippina Valeria Tullius is all mine. And as always, reviews would be nice.

1\. Agrippina's worst day ever

I stretched on my cot in Castle Dour. I yawned heartily and opened my eyes. Another Loredas morning was calling. No use in dragging out the inevitable. "I" that's Agrippina Valeria Tullius. Bulky name for a wiry 16-year-old girl. But such is the price of being highborn. I rose from my cot, wiped the sleep from my eyes and went over to the washbasin. Ugh! I had to do something about that horrible bead-head. So I grabbed a comb and pulled it through my curly raven hair. There, much better… Then I moistened a piece of cloth and wiped over my face and body. Speaking of which, I definitely needed fresh smalls. So I dumped the smelly ones in the basket and rifled through my dresser. Hmm…heart print, sun print or anchor print? It's one of a girl's most important decisions. O.k. anchor design it is. Solitude is a harbour city after all. But I couldn't run around in public with only a bra and panties. Well technically, I _could_ – with the risk of being arrested on charges of "improper" behaviour in said public". I just couldn't do that to my old man. General Valerian Tullius was already busy enough without such antics –being the imperial military governor of Skyrim and all.

On normal days, I would don a shirt and breeches or even a dress when I felt suitably ladylike. But today I was a girl with a mission. So I went downstairs to the armoury. Imperial standard issue light helmet? Check! Boiled leather cuirass? Check! Arm guards? Check! Imperial leather skirt stud-enforced? Check! Shin protectors? Check! Sandals? Check! It was midsummer after all. Then I went to the weapon rack and grabbed a gladius, bow and quiver. I climbed back upstairs and walked in on an "argument" of sorts between my father and legate Rikke. It was something about "jarl Balgruuf the Greater not wanting any help". I didn't give a damn in Apokrypha who jarl Balgruuf was. So I coughed subtly to make my presence known.

"Legate Rikke, father: As much as I'd like to listen to the two of you talking in circles all morning long… I haven't got the time for it." I stepped closer to the big map of Skyrim on the table. U-huh: red flags for the Imperial legion. Blue flags for the Stormcloaks. "Can I speak to my father in private?" I asked legate Rikke.

"You may leave now legate.", my father said. "We will continue this discussion about Nords and their pride another time." Legate Rikke complied without much of a fuss. Then, father dearest turned to me. "Agrippina! Did you sleep well?" I nodded. "So what do you want walking around in standard issue light armour?"

"I'd like to investigate something in Dragonbridge. I've heard the locals complaining about undisciplined soldiers. They seem to be stealing firewood, claiming they don't have to pay because they are soldiers. And I heard about them groping the daughters of the villagers. Let's hope that these guys are Stormcloaks. It wouldn't cast a good light on the legion." I explained.

"Why would you bother yourself with an investigation? I can always write a letter to commander Maro of the Penitus Occulatus. They are already stationed at Dragonbridge.", father said.

I heaved a sigh. "Father, quite frankly: I'm bored out of my wits! Solitude _is_ a marvellous city. But sightseeing and playing tag or hide-and-seek with Kayd and Svari can only keep me entertained so long. By now I know all the good hiding spots ten times over."

Father gave me his best general scowl and said. "Young lady, there are dragons out and about. _Dragons!_ You've seen the brute that laid waste to Helgen. You've seen it with your own eyes."

"At least we are smarter now. If something is roaring up in the skies on a beautiful day, it's probably _not_ 'nothing'." I mocked.

"Ow, that stung." Father put a hand to his heart in an equally playful manner. "All right, you have my blessings. Go cool your sandals so I don't need to deal with a 16 year old and a bad case of cabin fever. But I want you back home before sundown!"

"As you wish." I replied and saluted. Then I grabbed an apple from a nearby table and left Castle Dour. As always the bowmen were practicing in the yard and captain Aldis was grinding the recruits. He noticed me and called out: "Did you find that book yet?"

"What was it again? 'The mirror'? No I didn't find it yet. I turned the Bard College's library upside down and gave it a shake for good measure. That almost drove Viarmo nuts. Now he has to re-arrange everything. But no such luck for me. And if I ever return to the Bard's College, Inge Nine-Fingers will probably toss a harp in my face." I hollered back.

"Oh dear!" captain Aldis answered. "Well have a good day lass!" So I went down the ramp to the market place. Fish, vegetables and spiced wine – as always. I dropped a septim in Noster Eagle-Eye's helmet. Someone had returned the helmet to the veteran. Then I left the city through the main gate. Solitude had outer fortifications, too. I walked downhill and turned right at the crossroads. _Dragonbridge here I come!_ I thought to myself. It was a fine summer day. The gulls were soaring in the sky. I could hear the harbour bells ringing. And soon enough I started to hum a tune of my own. ( _A.N.: Can you imagine Agrippina humming the smurph theme? I can!)_ At the junction to the Thalmor Embassy, a grizzled Thalmor soldier gave me a strange look. Then he said something in Aldmeris, probably along the lines of "Girls these days!" When it was about 10 o'clock a. m., I had just passed Mount Kilkreath. And right there stood an orc by the roadside. This orc wore a robe, a priest's robe by the looks of it. It was white and the hood was reddish brown. ' _Now here's a sight, you don't see every day.'_ I thought to myself. I walked over to the orc and greeted him. "Hi there good-lookin'!" I gave him a wink. "I'm Agrippina. And who are you? How's your day going?"

"Oh dear, a female jester!" the orc grunted. "I am known as Shaglak gro-Yarog and business is just fine. Err…I meant 'sermons'. Yeah, the sermons of Trinimac, elvish god of war. Now listen here girl. Once upon a time, Trinimac made a bet with Boethia, the Dunmer Daedric prince of nasty tricks and gory fights. You know that drag queen with a snaketail…"

"Eewww I didn't need _that_ mental image in my head, thank you very much!" I interjected.

"Anyhow Boethia made Trinimac allow her to talk with Trinimac's voice. Worst thing he ever did. Because all his believers were led astray by the Daedric talk. Then Boethia swallowed Trinimac whole, digested him for an eternity and needed to shit at long last. Out of that crap-heap Malacath rose, Daedric prince of the accursed and outcast. And that's why we orcs look the way we look. I'm one of the last followers of Trinimac." Shaglak claimed.

"Wow, I'm impressed. And this concerns me how?" Agrippina quipped.

"Oh by the tripes forget about the lore." Shaglak growled. "This hogwash was all said just to distract you. Dralys! Mela! Grab her and tie her up. She's a healthy, young imperial specimen. Will earn me a pretty septim."

"Wait, what…Ow! Ugh! Lemme go. Get your dirty hands off me." I screamed my famous last words. No, the hands were _not_ dirty, just covered by soot-dyed chitin armour, gripping me without mercy. And there was only _one_ guild in Tamriel wearing soot-dyed chitin armour. I gulped. _'Agrippina Valeria Tullius, you are in some serious shit now.'_ I said to myself as realization dawned on me. Then I was hit by a green spell. My body went stiff as a board and the lights went out.

xxx

In a far-away corner of Skyrim, in a yet unknown location on the very same Loredas morning, there was insistent knocking at the door. The house belonging to said circular door was… Well definitely _not_ western-style masonry. The walls consisted of a spongy, glossy stuff enforced with wafer structures. And the rooms were a mess…quite frankly! In one room was a rudimentary torture chamber, complete with cages, a stretching bench, thumb screws, bloody rags, poison and… Well you get the picture. Towards the front door, there was a cooking/research area. It contained an alchemy lab, an enchanting table and a fireplace with cooking gear. So, the house belonged to a mage or other scholar of the arcane arts. Dwemer pipes and valves were installed all along the walls. There were loose diary pages scattered all over the floors and tables. And then, there was the bedroom. Definitely Dunmer style furniture, orange lanterns and a skull on the table. Out of the bed came grumbling, reluctant noises. An elderly Dunmer man sat up. He had a scowling grey face covered in short-shaven ginger hair and a ginger beard. His most prominent eerie feature however was an artificial eye. Just the right eye was Dunmer crimson. The left one had been substituted by a shiny, metallic implant. "Molag Bal's bloody cock!" the Dunmer swore. "Just knock down the door and be done with it, will you? Yeah-yeah, I'm coming."

But his first step led to pains as his bare foot landed on a mudcrab. The Dunmer got pinched, very soundly. "Ouuch! Them blasted critters have to crawl everywhere." The Dunmer stooped down and grabbed the mudcrab by a leg. "Now be a sweetie and let go of my toe." The mudcrab complied. The Dunmer carried the mudcrab over to the kitchen limping strongly. He dropped the critter in a pot. "There you'll stay until lunch and then you get your just desserts. And no cute squawking or pop-eye batting can convince me otherwise!" Thus said he closed the lid. Then he healed his foot with a spell and put on his green robe embroidered with Telvanni curls and flame patterns. At last, he opened the door. "Oh it's you. What do you want Yen?"

"A fine Loredas morning to you, too Shannath old codger.", the visitor said. So this Yen guy was a Dunmer as well. He was younger than Shannath and even more groovie. His hair was black and combed to one side of the head. He had an artificial eye as well and three yellow glowing implants in his head. Yen's right arm was robotic. He wore a kind of Dwemer-cloth armour and several Dwemer machinery parts and potion bottles dangled from his belt. In his left hand, he carried a wrapped basket. "I've brought you presents but if you don't want any…" He moved as if to leave.

"Presents? What for?" Shannath asked.

"All right, play coy with me." Yen said and crossed his arms. Shannath gave him a very long and very blank stare. "Wait you are _not_ playing coy. Sweet Sotha Sil you've forgotten your own birthday man!" Yen exclaimed.

Shannath's cheeks went almost black. He looked downright flustered. But soon he schooled his features and snapped: "Nonsense, I did _not_ forget _._ Just wanted to humour you."

"Uuu-huh. Very convincing. Well may I enter?" Yen asked.

"Of course, if you don't mind the mess. I'm in dire need of a fresh house-cleaning n'wah." Shannath replied.

"Shannath…" Yen said tiredly.

"Bah, don't start on your tenth lecture about the unfairness of slavery! Just don't…You sure, you aren't a Twin Lamps agent?" Shannath asked with a nasty undertone.

"Yes quite sure." Yen said not rising to the bait. Then he followed Shannath into the hall. He put the basket on a table already overflowing with books, letters, soul gems and other junk. "Well congratulations to 425 years of Shannath Selthrie. A ripe old age to be sure."

"Yep, having colleagues like you that's quite a feat." Shannath snarked.

"Hey I wasn't the Dunmer who accidentally coss-wired the centurion core with a black soul gem because he forgot the first thing about mechanics. You were out cold for a week and Tamina almost had a fit." Yen retorted in good nature.

"Anyhow here's your cake." Yen said and rummaged in the basket. "Of course it's not big enough to fit 425 candles on it. But it's a scrib jelly cake. Everyone loves scrib jelly. It's a masterpiece made by Selveni Andavel."

"Ah Selveni, the laundry maid? I remember her well" Shannath said.

Something like pity crept into Yen's natural eye. "Not quite, she's the farmer's wife and she has been for the past century."

Shannath blew a breath through his nose and drummed his fingers on the table. "Okay…I need my tea and I need it _now._ " he sighed.

"No you don't. That concoction is not so good for you. Every time you drink it, you become quite unhinged afterwards." Yen objected.

"That's right, just rub it in." Shannath growled. But his face changed to the smiling side once he had taken the first bite from the cake. "Aaah Dunmer cuisine! That's delicious."

The two guys ate in silence for a while. Then, Yen flicked an ear to the kitchen. "What's that rattling in your pot Shannath?" he asked.

"Oh just a mudcrab. The stupid fetcher pinched me when I stepped on it." Shannath said and vaguely waved his hand around. "It will be crab soup soon."

"Looks like _you_ are the stupid fetcher for not paying attention where you put your feet in the first place." Yen said. "Would you please reconsider that crab soup?"

"No, I wouldn't." Shannath said grumpily.

"Oh for the love of our ancestors! Fine, fine just make yourself ill. But I've got another present for you. Here you are. Just unwrap it."

"Oh Yen you sound like a kid at the pilgrimage's end festival. Well I'll do you the favour." Shannath said and tore the paper to shreds. "Oh my… Yen, that's gorgeous. Where did you find it?" On the table stood a fine Dwemer statuette, a stylized cogwheel with aetherium inlays. Well let's leave the two billy-goats to their squabbling and partying, shall we?

Author's notes the second: Phew, that was that. I hope that little homely scene in Sadrith Kegran wasn't too out of character. I just wanted to show a nicer side of Shannath Selthrie because I feel a bit of pity for the old man. Becoming senile after a lifetime of brilliant research is hard.


	3. Chapter 2: A forced trip

Author's notes: a shout-out to Elfendrago: „Thanks for your positive feedback and encouragement man!" It's about time for the second part of Agrippina's trials and sufferings. In this chapter, she'll be force-dragged all across Skyrim. Oh joy! As always, reviews would be nice. _Kind_ reviews. Yes? No? Maybe?

Disclaimer: I don't own Project AHO, Dimonoider does. I only own Agrippina. *sniff* But on with the story!

A forced trip 

I slowly came to lying on the hard ground. Owie, my head! _What in Oblivion happened?_ Then I remembered: my intended trip to Dragonbridge, the meeting with that strange orc, being gripped by Morag Tong agents and spell-casted unconscious. I shot up into a sitting position. It was night. O. k. NOT good. I promised my father to be home _before_ sundown. I had been forced through a change of clothes while being out cold. I was donned in a rough burlap shirt and trousers and my sandals had been replaced by foot wraps. And speaking of Morag Tong agents… I heard a rough chuckle coming from the campfire. A gravelly voice said: "Girl you probably feel like an Ashlander after the manhood rituals!" The orc and the other Morag Tong agent joined in ugly cackles.

 _O.k. Agrippina: enough is enough!_ I jumped to my feet, turned around and made a dash for it. _Freedom, here I come. Stupid goons, why didn't they tie me up?_ After about 10 steps I knew why. My already underdeveloped magicka drained and my stamina along them. I fell to my knees panting as if I'd run from Solitude to Rifton straight. _What the fuck happened to my endurance? I was a soldier girl, trained for athletics since a young age._

Then I felt around my neck. Hmm…There was something wrapped around it, that shouldn't sit there. Something metallic and enchanted. "You know Agrippina that's your brand new 'amulet of suppression'. Sounds much nicer than 'slave necklace', don't you think?" Yeah, that was Shaglak talking. "And I set it on a range of about 10 steps. So here you are and here you'll stay until I say otherwise. Is? That? Clear?"

"Crystal clear." I answered through clenched teeth.

"Aaah be a darling and come back to the campsite. You're in good company and shared misery is misery split in half." the vile orc said and made beckoning motions with his meaty grey-green hands. What choice did I have? No use to be sulking in the dark, was there? So I walked back. And Shaglak was right, there were two other prisoners, an Argonian and… a fellow Dunmer? _These guys really stoop low._ I thought to myself. But then, the supposed Dunmer turned round and looked at me with yellow glowing eyes. I gave a little shriek. "Err guys… You _do_ realize you caught yourselves a vampire, right?" I asked.

"Yeah, we noticed. That's why we're all wearing garlic braids under our armour." Mr. Morag Tong said.

"My name is Rasputin…of the Pine Moon Coven." the vampire said.

"Rasputin? That doesn't sound very Dunmerish." I replied.

"No, Sanguine Vampiris made me forget my birth name and clan name. I wander the wilds of Skyrim for 200 years now." The bloodsucker's eerie voice grated on my ears.

"And I'm Jaree-Ra." the Argonian added.

"Jaree-Ra? So _you_ were that loiterer molesting people near the Winking Skeever. It couldn't have happened to a nicer Argonian." I remarked acidly.

"Why you little shit!" Jaree-Ra shouted and jumped to his feet taking a few menacing steps in my direction.

"Oi scaleback! You step down. We don't want any dust-up here. No damaging the wares before sale." the Morag Tong named Dralys said. "And as for _you_ young lady…You'd better not continue provoking your chain mates. No damaging the wares but I don't think that includes your virginity being intact or not." I had a bad feeling the guy was leering underneath his chitin helmet.

I sat down by the fireplace and the female Morag Tong threw some revolting-looking cooked meat in my lap. "Don't give me that stare. It's just skeever well done. You'll survive."

I was starving, so I took a few bites. Urgh! The recipe was definitely _not_ written down in 'Select tastes'. That was for sure.

The Dralys guy tapped me on the shoulder. His other hand pointed to the fireplace. "Mo-lag." he slowly said, stressing each syllable. "You'd better learn and learn fast."

"Molag." I echoed obediently. Dralys gave me a curt nod. I finished my roast skeever and had to gag three times while doing so. Then I fell asleep to the sound of Mela singing a very long Dunmer ballad.

xxx

Back at Castle Dour, a very worried general Valerian Tullius drummed his fingers on the map table. "Oh Agrippina, what part of 'Be home before sundown.' didn't you understand?" he sighed. Then he turned and shouted with his best military voice: "Legate Rikke? Come here, I need you as part of a search party."

"But general! It's 10 o'clock in the evening. I've had a bottle of mead and my cot is calling…" she whined.

"No buts legate! My daughter still hasn't returned. I didn't bring her up as air-headed or reckless. So this means she's probably in trouble. Hurry it up! I expect you at Katla's farm." general Tullius said and left the castle. His first stop was at the Winking Skeever however. He went to the counter and asked: "Corpulus, has my Agrippina been here or did you hear about her? She wanted to make a trip to Dragonbridge, promised me she would be back before sundown but she never returned."

"No, I'm sorry sir but I didn't see your daughter today." Corpulus answered.

"Dang!" general Tullius swore. Just then a grizzled Thalmor soldier rose to his feet unsteadily. "M-might have 'een the gal. *hick*" he slurred. "Young lass in i-imperial armour?" the soldier asked and tried to focus on general Tullius with misty golden eyes.

"Yes, yes! Well where did you supposedly see her? Out with it drunkard." general Tullius all but shouted.

"Near th-the junction to our *buuurp* grand and noble embashy. Been h-humming a childish tune and o-on her… merry li'l way." the Thalmor veteran slurred. Then his golden eyes rolled back in his head and he collapsed with an almighty crash.

General Tullius made a face and grumbled: "Disgusting! If he were _my_ subordinate…"

"O him" Corpulus interjected. "He's harmless. Been a regular at the Winking Skeever since my blessed father's days. He tries to drown a lifetime of bad memories in Alto wine, Alto wine aaand yet more Alto wine. Lisbeth! Beleval! Would you please carry Mr. Piss-Drunk to the broom closet? He'll sober up once I present the tab to him."

But general Tullius had already left the Winking Skeever. He walked to the meeting point at Katla's farm. Legate Rikke was already there. "Hey general what took you so long?" she called.

"I made a short stop at the Winking Skeever. Only for the sake of news about Agrippina! My only eye-witness was a Thalmor veteran well drunk beyond the limits of good and evil." the general sighed.

"Oh sweet Arkay! So you ran across Manarion? The dude's a lost cause." Legate Rikke chuckled. She hooked her arm around general Tullius' elbow and they were off towards Dragonbridge. Under Meridia's shrine they met a khajit holding a torch. The khajit wore a monk's robe. "Greetings late travellers! Can Ma'iq help you somehow?" he purred.

"I'm looking for my lost daughter Agrippina. Have you seen a 16 year old girl in imperial light armour lately?" general Tullius asked.

"Ma'iq is afraid he didn't see no girl imperial or otherwise. But Ma'iq saw an orc in a priestly robe, very curious fellow him…"

"No, not an orc! My daughter, tan skin, curly black hair?" general Tullius yelled in exasperation.

The Ma'iq fellow gave him an odd look. Then he purred: "Skyrim was once the promised land of butterflies. Did friend general know that? But this time is long past."

General Tullius became very red in the face. "Argh! Crazy cat, either you talk sensibly or be quiet!" he shouted.

"General, general leave him be." Legate Rikke pleaded. "It's no use. He isn't nicknamed 'Ma'iq the liar' for nothing. Ma'iq already fills _pages_ in history books with his cock-and-bull-stories. Either there's a whole dynasty of swindling khajit around or Ma'iq got behind the secret of immortality."

"Oooh Ma'iq feels flattered. Ma'iq doesn't think that dragons were ever extinct, just invisible and treading very, very lightly."

"See what I mean?" legate Rikke asked. Then she gave the khajit a wink. "I may have seen a pink mammoth lately." Ma'iq's eyes grew big as saucers. "Okay Ma'iq thinks he is in dire need of rest. Friend general and his mate please bother someone else now." And off he was!

"Well legate Rikke" general Tullius sighed. "We should head to Dragonbridge, rent a room at the Four Shields and call it a day."

"Excellent idea sir." legate Rikke replied. And they walked down the road.

xxx

Have you ever been awakened by a kick to the ribs? Well let me tell you it is not a pleasant way to start your day. "Rise and shine scumbags." yelled the hated voice of Shaglak gro-Yarog. "Today we've got to eat away the miles. And if you feel a bit out of breath our whips are a great cure for such a sorry state." It was indeed morning. I clambered to my feet. Dralys was sharpening his ebony blade and Mela was kneeling on the grass. She held an incense stick in her folded hands and was muttering something under her breath. Right, Dunmer were very spiritual people I reminded myself. Jaree-Ra and Rasputin were also on their feet. Suddenly, my insides clenched painfully and strange noises came from my tummy. Oh, the skeever! "Hey folks could you please turn around? I need to go for little girls and quite urgently so." I begged. Dralys and Mela did me the favour. Shaglak kept watching me like a hawk. _You son of a bitch!_ I ranted internally.

I fumbled with the rope that tied my trousers, freed my butt and the built-in cannon went off. Merciful Stendarr! The end product of skeever à la carte was orange, pasty and stinky pooh indeed. And then I was in an awkward predicament. I had absolutely nothing to wipe myself clean with. Shaglak gro-Yarog figured it out soon enough. "Why don't you use your shirt?" he catcalled. "Shirt? Shit? Do you understand?" Oh how I came to hate his booming laughter!

But then, Mela of all things came to my aid. "Shaglak stop being such a jerk." she hissed. She groped around under her armour, pulled out her handkerchief and gave it to me. "Here you are. Just don't return it once you are done. I hope the Lady-of-Whispers will understand." Yeah, the handkerchief was embroidered with an image of Lady Mephala, a hybrid creature, the upper body of a very busty Dunmer woman planted on a hairy spider abdomen. I thanked Mela and went into the cleaning process. I just hoped that my poor ass wouldn't start spinning intrigues now. But the handkerchief was a lost cause afterwards. What a shame!

We were frogmarched through the wilderness without breakfast. I sniffed the air. Hmm…strange. It smelled like smoky bacon somehow. Then, I saw it. "Hey Rasputin, your skin is…" I whispered bewilderedly.

"Smoking?" the vampire ended my sentence. "Thank you _so much_ for reminding me. You know I'm an evening person if you get my meaning." Wow, the dude was grumpy. But I could hardly blame him. And Dralys butted me on the spine with his gloved hands. "Stop the idle chit-chat. Save your breath for walking." he snarled.

But that didn't stop _him_ from giving me a 101 in Dunmeris. When we waded through a brook he said "Ouada". When we crossed a forest he said "Mora". A little while later he pointed to an ancient Nordic barrow on the horizon. "Cardruhn – home of our ancestors."

"Well not this one." I joked. "Unless your pedigree is… What would you say 'tainted'?"

"N'chow!" Dralys cursed. "That doesn't have a translation."

"Oi Dralys!" Shaglak called from the front of our merry little caravan. "Why do you even bother? Their tongues will be cut out right after the auction. No more questions, no more complaints." I whirled round on Dralys and gave him my best _'Please-tell-me-he's-kidding!'-_ look. Well Dralys made a kotau and sighed: "A thousand apologies…But yes. Unless your future master decides otherwise."

And that's when I snapped. "A *shove* THOUSAND *push* APOLOGIES?! THAT REALLY HELPS. WE'LL *shove* BE MUTILIATED BEYOND SALVATION AND *oof*"

I _somehow_ had landed flat on my backside and Dralys was holding his ebony blade to my throat. _Right…trained assassins_. I reminded myself. "I hope I only need to tell you this once Agrippina." he rasped. "We are authorized to use _lethal_ force. So step back in line and BEHAVE from this moment on." I nodded very, very cautiously.

"Smart girl!" Mela had to pipe up. Okay, the example had been made so I was oh-so-graciously allowed to clamber back on my feet. We were gone another 10 steps when I heard a very distinct *ROOAAR* coming from the sky. Rasputin went ramrod straight. He scanned the sky. Of course, he didn't look right into the sun. Then his face twisted, he bared his fangs and hissed…and jumped into the shadow of the nearest tree. I followed suit. Rasputin's pale grey body was pressed against the tree. Little droplets of blood stood on his forehead. His yellow eyes were bulging and held a distinctly spooked expression. Then a huge shadow passed over the sun. _Here we go again Agrippina!_ I griped internally.

"Oh no, no, NO!" I panicked, too albeit more loudly. "Folks we'd better make a run for it. That's what my father warned me about." I was gesticulating frantically. "There's a _dragon_ circling over us. Great, now you're giving me _that_ look. But it's true. Dragons are back to Skyrim. Herma Mora alone knows where they've been all these past ages. Has none of you heard about the Helgen incident? We must seek shelter immediately! A cave, a mine, heck even a barrow… Doesn't matter as long as it's underground. And the entrance should be narrow."

Mela scoffed: "I ain't afraid of a wee bit of fire. Most of us are _Dunmer_ in case you have forgotten."

I groaned in frustration. "I _know_ you Dunmer could grill a barbeque with your bare hands. But dragon fire is on another scale altogether. It melts stone! I'm sure it could even burn a Dunmer to a crisp, not to mention a vampire."

Dralys and Mela started to whisper amongst each other in Dunmeris. Then, Dralys turned to Shaglak and said in the common tongue: "You know gro-Yarog, she's dead serious. There's a cave across the river, the Ice Breath Deeps. We can hide there. But we should not venture in too deep. It's a stinking Falmer hole."

"Argh, caught between a rock and a hard place." Shaglak grumbled. "All right…when I say 'move it' you all start running like the hordes of Oblivion. And don't you do funny business of the escape kind! Okay a-one, a-two, a-three… MOVE IT!"

And off we went like singed pigs. We could hear another *ROAR* and felt a strong gust of wind. The dragon was bearing down on us. Jaree-Ra was a bold – and pretty dumb Argonian it seemed. He left the pack, dove into the river and tried to swim downstream. _Tried_ being the key word because his larger-than-life cousin plucked him out of the water with door-sized claws. Jaree-Ra shrieked and thrashed about but the dragon flipped him round in mid air and bit down on the Argonian. Nasty crunching noises and more screaming followed. By then, we had reached the other side of the river and entered the cave.

We caught our breath. Then Shaglak started to swear: "Damn, damn, _damn_! That's 500 septims less in my purse. Well more food for the survivors, too." The earth shook as the dragon landed. It stuck its ugly head into the cave and opened its mouth. Bits and pieces of Jaree-Ra were still stuck between dagger-sized fangs. A grisly sight! The dragon wanted to go for a second course and shouted "YOL". I dove out of the way of a stream of flames and yanked Rasputin with me. He was hissing and sweating blood again, the poor guy. We hurried round a bend and were out of the direct line of fire. Behind us, there was rumbling and snarling. The dragon had gone stuck. We followed the tunnel that had a rich growth of shimmer mushrooms. It widened into a little hall.

"We can set up camp here." Shaglak gro-Yarog said. "We'll be stuck here until that dragon gives up. Might as well cook lunch. Horker stew is on the menu." Our captors busied themselves with a campfire. I crept closer to Rasputin and cooed: "Hey it's okay. The dragon can't reach us in here lest it gets stuck."

"No it's _not_ okay." Rasputin hissed. "It hasn't been okay since that other dragon paid a visit to the clearing outside of Pinemoon Cave. Must have been an early riser. It was the grey hour right before dawn. We vampires came home sated and in good spirits. Then, that son of Akatosh swooped down on us. Muriel, Ragnar and J'mhad got burnt to ashes in a matter of seconds. I am the lone survivor of our coven. I didn't dare to leave the cave for three nights straight. A vampire without a clan is a sorry figure."

"Gods Rasputin I don't know what to say." I groaned.

"If you've got so much sympathy for me, you might let me have a drink." the vampire said and the yellow glow of his eyes intensified. Then, he pounced on me and tackled me to the ground. *crack* That were Dralys and Mela using their netch leather whips with five strikes each. So Rasputin was the well-beat vampire hissing Dunmeri curses. "Patience blood sucker." Mela rasped. "When the coast is clear one of us Morag Tong will go out and hunt down a goat for you. But no sucking that girl dry!"

"Goat blood? Do you know how poor in nutrients that swill is?" Rasputin complained.

"Just keep complaining, will ya?" Dralys said. "You'll get animal blood and nothing else."

Then a delicious smell wafted through the cave. Lunch was ready. All living creatures got a bowl to dig in. Rasputin was sulking in a corner and waiting for his whiplashes to heal. After lunch Dralys returned to the cave entrance to do some scouting. He came running back to us slightly singed and patting on a small flicker on his shoulder. "Phew that dragon is patient. We might as well spend the night in here." he said.

"So you do the first watch. Don't want to be caught unawares by these blasted blind elves." Shaglak decided. I didn't bother anymore. With a full stomach and near the campfire my eyelids soon started to droop. It had been a long day of strenuous cross-country hiking, that dragon wanting to make a meal of us, the loss of Jaree-Ra, Rasputin's tale… I soon found myself stretched out on the cave floor snoring like a saw mill.

xxx

Back in Dragonbridge, a cock was crowing *COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO*. General Tullius and legate Rikke both fell from their beds – literally. "Oof" and "Ow" they called. Legate Rikke was faster on her feet again than the general. She held out a hand to help her CO up. "Stupid bird!" general Tullius cursed. "Don't these Bretons have a recipe for cock-in-wine?"

"Yes they have, general." legate Rikke answered. "But that won't endear the townsfolk to us. And I've seen that hag Olda spit on her porch the very moment we passed her home yesterday."

"What was the woman doing outdoors at this ungodly hour anyways?" general Tullius asked.

"Probably waiting for her husband to return from the Four Shields." legate Rikke guessed.

"Oh the poor man!" general Tullius sighed. "But they don't seem to be too fond of the military here in Dragonbridge. Well let's split up and enquire for Agrippina. We will meet here again at noon." And so they split up, asked questions everywhere in the small village. At noon, they met again at the Four Shields.

"Did you find anything worthwhile legate? I sure as Coldharbour didn't." the general asked.

Legate Rikke shook her head and said: "I'm only certain of one thing: Agrippina never arrived in Dragonbridge. Maybe you can ask commander Maro to help you out with his resources?"

"I already _did_ that and the jerk denied me any help. He says the disappearance of my daughter is a private matter. And private matters are – I quote – 'not worthy of investigation by the Penitus Occulatus agents'. Eight Divines, what's wrong with the guy?! He's a father, too." general Tullius ranted.

"So the ball is back with the scouts of the imperial legion." legate Rikke summed it up.

"Our scouts? Good idea. Well let's head back to Solitude." general Tullius said.

"And what about those ruffians stealing from the villagers?" legate Rikke asked.

"Damnation! Right now, I don't have the head for deserters and such." the general grumbled. Legate Rikke sighed but followed him without complaints. They would reach Castle Dour at sundown if they hurried.

xxx

I was woken not by a boot to the ribs this time, but by snarling, shouting and gurgling. Near our campfire lay a Falmer-turned-pincushion. Dralys was just putting his hunting bow away. Eeeww these Falmer were so ugly! Bent figures, bone-white skin with wrinkles and scars, bald heads, eyeless, noseless faces and pointy teeth. Rasputin had jumped on the carcass and was already busy sucking the poor sod dry. *slurp* Shaglak gro-Yarog shouted in alarm: "No, don't do this you s'wit!"

After some seconds, Rasputin wailed: "What's wrong with my eyes? Why is it so dark in here?" Mela yanked him back by the collar before he could step in the fireplace. The orc was already giving Rasputin a lecture. "That's why you should avoid Falmer blood. The stuff has the same effect on vampires as cheap booze on humans. It makes them blind. Hopefully your eyesight will recover in time. All right, saddle up. We'll head for Whiterun today." Rasputin started to creep in circles, bumping into the cave walls several times. I hadn't forgiven his bodily assault from yesterday but seeing the vampire in such a state awakened my pity.

"Hey Rasputin you may put a hand on my shoulder. But don't you do funny moves!" I said. He gripped my shoulder with surprising strength and gods that dude had cold hands! _Okay here we go. Day two of the humiliations of Agrippina Valeria Tullius._ I grumbled internally. We left the Ice Breath Deeps and were ushered back to the road. And so we walked, walked and walked some more. Whenever other travellers came in sight, Shaglak led us into the tundra and we had Morag Tong hands clapped over our mouths. Rasputin bit down on Dralys' hand but only once. He got backhanded for the trouble with enough force to make his fangs rattle. But he regained his sight little by little. In the afternoon we had reached the Whiterun Stables and were sitting on the ground huffing and wheezing. At first Borlam flat out refused to transport us. "I'm sure this ain't legal. These guys look like prisoners. And that vampire… I fucking _hate_ vampires! Go buy yourselves some horses."

But Shaglak gro-Yarog "negotiated", that is to say he bullied Borlam and scared the crap out of the poor man. In the end Borlam agreed to drop us at Kynesgrove and didn't even want payment for the ride. Some hours went by. The road was bumpy but the ride was a blessing compared to hiking on worn, raw feet. Then Kynesgrove came in sight. It was a teeny, tiny miner's camp with an inn at the border of the Eastmarch caldera. _Great! Knee-deep in hostile territory._ I thought to myself. Borlam pulled the reins. "Hoh Godwina! That's a good girl." he said to his carthorse. Godwina stopped, snorted and hung her head with a bone-weary neigh. Mela and Dralys "helped" us down from the carriage. Shaglak turned to Borlam, held up a hand with raised index finger and threatened: "Don't you dare breathe _one word_ about this. And if I ever hear that you did talk indeed then I'll gladly run to the next Morag Tong agency and pay for a writ for honourable execution with your name on it." Borlam just gulped and shook his head.

Then Shaglak turned on us lowly slaves and weaved a spell. His hands glowed green and for the second time in my life, I was hit with a paralysis spell. I fainted and dropped like a stone. I wasn't aware of being carried right through the heart of the Eastmarch caldera anymore.


	4. Welcome to Sadrith Kegran!

author's notes: Hi folks! In this chapter, I will describe Agrippina's arrival in Sadrith Kegran and the hell of a culture shock she's in for. Being a slave is hard but a slave for a weird, ruthless, uncaring Telvanni wizard… It bears no description. So I have a trigger warning – albeit a late one. Sensitive topics (such as slavery and torture) abound! Don't like it? Don't read it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Project AHO, Dimonoider does. I only own my OC Agrippina Valeria Tullius. Such a sweet girl in such a cruel world… But on with the story.

Welcome to Sadrith Kegran!

I regained my senses for the second time in the last few days. Aaah blessed relief! I was mistress of my own body again. I wriggled my limbs. Everything was in perfect working order. But the outer circumstances were a far shot from perfect. I was lying on a heap of hay in a criffing cage! _Molag Bal damn it!_ That's what I'd been dreading all these last days of my…our forced journey. I sat up and had a look around. The other occupant of the cage was an Argonian woman, plain head, no spikes or feathers nor crest. There were four other cages besides our shelter, all of them filled with bedraggled Khajits, Argonians and the odd human. Only Rasputin had a cage all to himself. The Argonian tapped me on the shoulder shyly. "My name is Wades-in-Leaves. Last thing I can remember is harvesting gourd in the Autumn Forest. Then this dratted orc talked to me. I'm pretty sure you know what happened afterwards." I was far from an expert in judging beastfolk but Wades-in-leaves seemed to be past her prime.

"Yeah, similar story with me." I replied. "I'm Agrippina Valeria Tullius but we can settle on Agrippina. I was on my way to Dragonbridge to… Ackh, I suppose it doesn't matter any longer." I was watching my whereabouts a bit more closely. We were indoors which was kind of nice. But this building had the weirdest walls I'd ever seen. They looked strangely organic, flowing and glossy, enforced with wafer structures. Near the entrance to an even larger room stood a shelf full of skulls: orc skulls, Argonian skulls, human skulls and what I thought were Khajit skulls. Divines save me! What a peachy prospect…

And then Shaglak gro-Yarog entered in all his swaggering, loud-mouthed glory. "Get up scum! Today's the grand yearly Sadrith Kegran slave auction. Now be on your best behaviour. For do you know what happens to n'wah who aren't sold today?" Then he made the infamous cutthroat gesture and laughed as if it was his funniest joke ever. I turned to Wades-in-Leaves in alarm. "He's _not_ serious. Please tell me…" But the Argonian evaded my eyes and shuffled her scaly feet. _Oh holy shit!_ I was going to be murdered if I wasn't sold today. Our cage was opened and we were all ushered to a wooden platform by four Morag Tong. There we stood in a neat row. I was looking around intrigued despite my fears. The platform was in a large hall. In the middle of said hall was a - stem of sorts. Black twisted…was that wood? The stuff had yellow glowing blisters in it. I could see several niches, too. In one niche stood two thrones, in the other a chess board and an ample supply of alchemic ingredients. The whole place was decorated with vessels which held bright green agavas, of the flashiest green I'd ever seen. By and by, a decent crowd of Dunmer entered from a narrow rising corridor.

Now Shaglak started to play the host: "Ladies and gentlemer, welcome to the yearly Sadrith Kegran slave auction! Ah mother, serjo Milo what a pleasure." _Mother? What the heck?! How could a Dunmer spawn an orc? Oh wait a second: adoption. That must be it._ I had blended Shaglak's ramblings out for a moment. I only caught him finishing: "…may come forward and inspect the wares now."

Uh-oh! The first Dunmer who came to me was a finely dressed man. He wore a lavender coloured coat, step-sewed and stuffed with wool. "Hi! I'm Dalos Verendas, the local landlord. But you would address me as 'master Verendas' and nothing else. Now open your mouth. I said: OPEN YOUR MOUTH! There, that's a good girl. Ah, still a full set of teeth. Healthy… Now undress."

Surely I had misheard. "Undress? In front of all these people? I sure as Oblivion won't; unless you take me to a washroom."

Serjo Verendas went almost black in the face: "Why, you little…" But he was cut short because he was roughly shoved aside by another Dunmer. "Whoopsie! Oh Dalos, what a joy." Somehow this didn't sound very sincere. This new Dunmer was obviously a blacksmith. He was built like a wardrobe and wore a leather apron. A black hand was tattooed into his forehead. Still turned to the Dalos Verendas guy, he said: "Dalos you ol' kagouti bull! What do you need a _third_ tavern slut for? There's only room for so much dancing on top of your tables."

Then the blacksmith turned to me and groped my upper arms. Obviously displeased, he muttered: "Hmm scrawny…"

"You know _I_ would describe myself as 'wiry'." I said in my haughtiest tones.

"And that filthy tongue has to go." the blacksmith continued as if he hadn't heard me. "I'm master Rendo. I need an n'wah to help me at the forge. Can you swing a hammer? Can you work the bellows?" I must have looked less than thrilled. Because master Rendo kept saying: "I could buy venison from Bralys twice a week. Would do you good… Normally, Merano should help me. But my boy has grown into a street urchin. Comes only home to eat and sleep. Just let his old man toil! The boy wants to be a scholar. A scholar for crying out loud! I'm buried in work. My wife works herself bent-legged at the farmstead. But does he care? Heck no! That needed to be said."

After his rant, serjo Rendo gave room for yet another possible buyer. Wow, that guy was truly impressive in his own way! While not as dandy as Dalos, or as brawny as the blacksmith he held an air of authority. He had a tall, lanky figure dressed in a green robe embroidered with swirls and flame patterns. His face was weathered. He was wearing a crew cut but still had a full ginger beard. But his most striking feature was an artificial left eye. The contraption glowed with an eerie blue-white light. He walked around me with measured, purposeful steps and I was under heavy scrutiny.

But I was fed up with all this crap. So I asked moodily: "Well, do you also want me to undress in public or mutilate me?"

The Dunmer gave me a razor-thin smile. "No need my dear! I've already seen all there is to see." He tapped his artificial eye. I think I went ten shades of scarlet on the spot. Just to embarrass me further, he whistled and waved his left hand as if burnt. "If I were 200 years younger… But enough of that! I'm master Selthrie, retired expedition leader. As for your tongue: you may keep it. I kind of like spirited girls." Then he abruptly turned to the other slaves. His eyes came to rest on Rasputin. "Oh Sotha Sil what a fantastic test subject! I _need_ to have him, I _must_ have him." He clapped his hands and almost bounced on his feet.

Rasputin, ever the grumpy one, showed his impressive fangs and hissed: "Get lost old man!"

"Well, I certainly won't suffer _your_ foul mouth." master Selthrie said with an airy voice.

And Shaglak made himself known once again. He boomed: "Has everyone made his or her choice? Good then. Let's start with the bidding. And let's keep civil. This isn't Malacath's birthday feast. Why don't we talk about this lovely, shy Argonian first? Her name is Wades-in-Leaves. I plucked her from the Autumn Forest of the Rift. Do I hear any offers?" None of the Dunmer seemed too enthusiastic. They looked downright bored and muttered all sorts of offense under their breaths such as "wilted cliff-racer" and meaner stuff.

"What, not a single offer?" Shaglak asked. Then he twisted his tusks in a very fake smile. "Oh what a pity! Nysath would you do me the honours?" The Morag Tong named Nysath stepped forward and rudely grabbed Wades-in-Leaves by the head. She yelped and started to chant: "Dear Hist…" But she didn't get any further because her throat was cut very professionally. Blood spewed all over the platform and her scaly body collapsed in an ugly heap. Wades-in-Leaves drew her last gurgling breaths. I frantically swallowed the bile that rose up my throat. _No Agrippina, you will NOT puke in front of this mob! Don't give them that satisfaction._ I told myself very sternly. And would you believe it? The very same blasé Dunmer of moments before started to cheer and applaud all of a sudden. Nysath bent down and grabbed the sad husk of Wades-in-Leaves by the tail to drag her outdoors. She left a long crimson trail on the floor. I swallowed again. The black dots vanished from my vision. So far, so good.

"Let's sell the next n'wah." Shaglak said. "Here's an imperial girl, sweet sixteen and healthy as an ox. Her name is Agrippina and she has an eye for danger and a mouth to run you over with. Any offers?" _Holy crap, that's me!_ I thought.

Dalos Verendas lifted his right hand and shouted: "200 septims."

"Aaall right!" Shaglak boomed. "200 going once, 200 going twice…"

Then the blacksmith lifted his right hand and called: "500 septims."

"500 going once, 500 going twice…" Shaglak droned on.

But then, this Selthrie guy lifted his right hand. "1 000 septims!" he called oh-so-pompously. All around him the Dunmer started to whisper in awe.

"Wow, that's generous!" Shaglak commented. "1 000 going once, 1 000 going twice, 1 000 going thrice aaaand sold! Congratulations master Selthrie." _What the fuck?! Looks like I'm property now._ On the outside, I grunted and rolled my eyes. _This Dunmer is in for a rude wake-up-call._ Speaking of rude… This Rendo man was _not_ a happy Dunmer. He turned on master Selthrie, shook his fists and yelled: "Curse you to the four corners and back again Shannath! That was MY n'wah! I need her more than you do."

"Tut, tut, tut… Such a poor loser Varen!" master Selthrie mocked. "And your son…"

Here, Shaglak gro-Yarog interrupted a scene that was bound to turn nasty really quick. "What did I say about keeping things civil? I think you both know the does and don'ts of a slave auction just fine. So stop squabbling like brats!"

Master Selthrie opened and closed his mouth several times and made a hilarious slapped-with-a-dead-fish face. Varen Rendo turned on his heels, huffing and stomping away, brushing quite a few shoulders on purpose. "Aaww injured pride." Shaglak muttered. "Well let's proceed." he called more loudly.

To make a long story short, I witnessed Rasputin _also_ being bought by master Selthrie. There were not many customers interested in, or bold enough to buy a vampire. Just a particularly fierce Dunmer gave a half-hearted try. This guy had "trouble" written all over him. He wore a Morag Tong armour bar the helmet. His short black hair was combed upwards and he wore a neatly trimmed beard. His crimson eyes… I never would have thought that red eyes could look _so_ cold, but somewhat puffy too. But Mr. X took the hints and gave up in all decency.

Then, the auction was over. All the remaining slaves had been sold. A mighty heap of bulging purses was stacked on Shaglak's counter. Here was a happy Orsimer! The crowd began to disperse. The slaves followed their respective owners. Master Selthrie walked over to me and Rasputin. He spread his arms in a grandiose manner. "Welcome to Sadrith Kegran, your new home. You'll probably spend the rest of your lives here."

"Sadrith what?" I sputtered. My Dunmeris was still rudimentary at best.

"Sadrith Kegran you blockhead!" master Selthrie shouted in a sudden fit of rage.

"Hey!" I squawked indignantly. "Do you even know who you're dealing with?! I'm Agrippina Va…"

"Oh stuff it, I don't care. You will not utter a word of your past. Not now, not ever. You are henceforth a blank slate. And Sadrith Kegran means…" master Selthrie had to catch his breath for a moment. "…the mushrooms of Eastmarch. It's a secret settlement of Great House Telvanni in Skyrim, built on the ruins of a Dwemer city." I just blinked dazedly and scratched my head. Rasputin muttered something like "show-off".

Master Selthrie pinched the bridge of his nose and moaned: "Almalexia give me patience! I've got some marvellous things called "books" at my house. Some reading would do you good. Now stand still for a moment." The old Telvanni wizard weaved a hauntingly familiar spell.

I crossed my arms in front of my chest, narrowed my eyes and cried: "Oh no you won't! I've already been paralyzed _twice._ Tell you what? I'm sick of being carried around like a sack of potatoes. I can walk on my own two feet, thank you very much."

At first, master Selthrie looked baffled at such blatant disrespect. Then, he wagged his creased head and something shone in his red eye. Wait, was that mirth? "Aaah fine!" the bastard said. "Have it your way. But you need some lessons in subjugation." He recharged his paralysis spell and cast it on a very surprised Rasputin who promptly fainted. "You can walk on your own two feet girl?" master Selthrie asked. All traces of amusement had left his voice. "Go ahead, carry him. He's a vampire, shouldn't be too heavy as he only lives on blood. And don't lag behind or I will use a flame spell on your ass. Lesson number 1: If _you_ won't pay the price someone else has to step up and suffer for your insolence."

I bent down and shouldered Rasputin's prone form, grunting loudly. Aaah nothing like petty torment to brighten the day.

We went up the rising corridor, me lumbering behind with Rasputin's dead weight over my shoulder. But as I followed master Selthrie out of the door I stopped dead in my tracks. Wowie! I was in a cave, but not your usual moist, shabby bandit hole. This cavern was much bigger and there were glowing shrooms, glowing shrooms everywhere! Blue-white and bright yellow, small trumpet-shaped specimens, large parasol mushrooms with glowing appendages, little blossoms on tubes that opened and closed as if breathing, big, delicate, web-like blossoms… There just was no end to wonders! Then master Selthrie spoiled my moment. He had already grown impatient, turned back to me and yelled: "Stop gawking lazy bones! I'll give you plenty of time to explore later on, but right now home sweet mushroom pod is calling."

I set in motion again following master Selthrie over a maze of wooden walkways and paved streets. And then I spied some mudcrabs which were also "infected" with these glowing mushrooms. All my fighting senses went on alert because normally, mudcrabs were territorial, aggressive critters. Master Selthrie must have noticed my eeping and skittering because he said: "Easy there Agrippina! The mudcrabs of Sadrith Kegran are quite docile. They'll leave you alone unless you're dumb enough to step right on them. You may even feed them tid-bits and they'll give you some junk in return. These funghi seem to have made them smarter than the average riverside mudcrab."

I kept following master Selthrie. All along the streets there were wooden poles with the classical Dunmer lanterns dangling from them: roofed cases holding a warm orange glow. Then, we were standing in front of master Selthrie's door. The mushroom pod had some additions of broken Dwemer pipes which worked as chimneys obviously. The puffs of smoke were quite colourful: red, purple and green. "Harr even a s'wit like you could remember these chimneys. They're quite unique. So if you ever get lost around town…" master Selthrie grumbled and unlocked the door. I followed him inside and carefully wanted to lower Rasputin on the floor.

"No rather lay him on a table." master Selthrie said. "We'll do the little surgery as long as he's still out cold."

"Is that really necessary?" I stubbornly asked back.

"Yes it is." master Selthrie declared. "Just imagine he starts yodelling the oh-so-many cantatas of our Lord Vivec, or worse yet 'Ragnar the red'."

I shuddered and found myself quite convinced. I carefully laid Rasputin down on the kitchen table and worked the kinks out of my shoulders. Blessed relief! Then master Selthrie gave his next instructions. "Go heat that iron bar in the fireplace until it glows. In the meantime, I'll look for a silver dagger. Now where in Sheogorath's name did I stow it away?" Mumbling and grumbling, master Selthrie rummaged through the thrift store that made up his household.

Sighing I heated the iron bar. Poor, poor Rasputin! Luckily, he was still unconscious. "Aha, found it!" came the triumphant cry of master Selthrie. He came back with the silver dagger, bent down over Rasputin, forced a hand in the vampire's mouth and… Here, I squeezed my eyes firmly shut. But I could do nothing to block out Rasputin's awful gargling or master Selthrie's nagging voice. "Now be quick, cauterize that wound before he bleeds out."

I picked up the white-hot iron bar, silently apologized to Rasputin and showed the thing inside the vampire's mouth. Oh the stench, I'll never forget it until my last breath! Nor the way Rasputin's yellow eyes almost popped out of his head, or his frantic thrashing and flailing, the way his body arched… At long last, the vampire fell unconscious again and I dropped the iron bar and threw up in the trash bin. _Gods if my father knew!_ I thought with a sudden bout of homesickness.

I felt a bony hand rest on my shoulder: "There, there I don't think I fared any better when Yen exchanged my left eye for that implant. Had a splitting headache for a week." master Selthrie murmured. Obviously, the old stick was out of practice when it came to comforting someone! He dropped Rasputin's bloody tongue right after my puke and downed a potion of cure disease. "Just precautionary measures." he grunted.

"Who's Yen?" I asked to override a very awkward silence.

"Yen-Illu, a fellow scholar and Dwemer expert. I picked him up at the Old Hroldan Inn when we were still out and about to explore the Dwemer ruins of the Reach in the late third era. Those were the days! He's a sissy when it comes to slavery and he's banned me from the AHO but oh well…" Master Selthrie's weathered face took on a nostalgic expression. Some moments went by then he shook himself and carried Rasputin to a cage, locked the vampire up, decorated the cage with garlic braids and rammed a silver sword into the ground in front of the cage door. No way in Oblivion that Rasputin could escape…

"*Ahem* master, what about those books?" I reminded the old jerk.

"Books? I've got dozens of books so specify." came master Selthrie's cranky reply.

"The books that I should read to make myself familiar with Sadrith Kegran. I mean, where the heck am I?" I answered with the tones of frustration.

"You are on good solid ground that doesn't wobble, doesn't crumble." Obviously master Selthrie was unwilling to tell me more about the exact location of the cave. He went to a shelf, picked up two books and shoved them in my hands.

"Here you are. And if you want additional reading, I've got the first volume of 'A history of Sadrith Kegran' somewhere lying around, of and by Ever Milo, one of our prominent leaders."

I scanned the book titles. "'ABCs for barbarians'?! Are you kidding me? Well let's see: a like 'atronach', b like 'bungler's bane, c like 'cromberry'… Hey the rest of the book consists of nothing but empty pages! What about d like 'dremora', e like 'Elsweyr', f like…"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop it girl!" master Selthrie interrupted me. "My poor head! Before we reach oht like 'Oblivion', maybe you'll find the second book more useful." It was in any case thicker and more respectable than that ridiculous dictionary. The title said 'Great houses of Morrowind' in gilded letters.

Then master Selthrie beckoned me. "Come here girl. Let's set that necklace on a new range, shall we? Now you can explore Sadrith Kegran at will but no leaving the cave and no dungeon delving as of yet!" he admonished with a bony grey index finger. "And here's your duplicate house key. Don't lose it." I deftly caught the little key and put it in my shoddy pocket.

"What kind of dungeon are you talking about, master?" I asked.

"Here we go again…" master Selthrie sighed. "Well I was talking about the Dwemer ruins of Bkhalzarf underneath our very feet. If you're already awestruck with Sadrith Kegran, you'll probably lose your mind over the workshops, library and engines of Bkhalzarf. I surely did." he finished morosely. "Now shoo girl! Leave an old mer to his studies."

I all but ran out of the torture chamber, grabbed a honey-nut-stick and an apple from the kitchen shelf and left the house. Time to get to know the locals!

author's notes the second: "N'wah" means outlander or stranger. But it's also a popular offense in Morrowind. "S'wit" can probably be translated with dumbass or idiot. "Oht" is a letter in the Daedric alphabet used in epitaphs, on banners and scrolls. I did some research on fandom pages, yep! As for the meaning of "Sadrith Kegran": I must confess I made that up. It's more serious than Ra'zirrah's explanation in any case. Running with a keg?! Now please…

As for my blunder with the name of my main character… Thanks for telling me dear unknown reader! I didn't choose Latin in High School, rather French. Now I have to correct all these chapters. *sigh*


	5. Getting to know the locals

author's notes: Hi folks! Thanks for your hint Jasper Arryn. I didn't choose Latin in High School so I didn't know the difference between "Agrippa" and "Agrippina". But I wanted my OC to be a girl, so Agrippina it is from now on. I had to re-edit all my previous chapters. Meh! In this chapter, Agrippina will get to know the inhabitants of Sadrith Kegran.

Today, I've been at the fair. Ginger bread hearts, rubber duck fishing, chocolate-coated apples – and you name it. But I'll never, ever, EVER drive that spinner-twister-thingus again! I called to the operator: "Eep! Slow down please, meesa be getting sick!" But did he care? Heck no!

disclaimer: I don't own Project AHO, Dimonoider does. But Agrippina Valeria Tullius is my invention.

* * *

Getting to know the locals

I had left master Selthrie's house and was unsure of where to go next. Left? Right? Straight ahead? Well the walkabout could wait. I've never had a pick-nick beneath giant mushrooms. So I walked over to the next specimen, sat down cross-legged and began to munch on my honey-nut-stick. From time to time I dropped morsels for a mushroom-encrusted mudcrab. The critter scuttled away afterwards, dug in the ground and came back with a spoon in his pincers. Oh Mara how cute! I gratefully accepted the spoon and did a little curtsy.

"Ah generosity!" I heard a familiar voice say behind me. It was Mela doing guard duty. "It's one of our classic seven graces."

"Mela!" I greeted. "I probably should be cross with you, fuming, eating iron and spitting slag and all that crap… But it's kind of nice to see you again. What are those other graces? We men call it 'virtues' by the way."

Mela gave a throaty chuckle. "So eager to learn? Dear me, you'll fit in just fine among all these Telvanni." I somehow doubted that. _Not in a million, million years Agrippina!_ I swore to myself. But Mela continued her lecture. "Apart from generosity, there's courtesy, justice, valour, daring, pride and humility."

"Pride _and_ humility?" I asked with a puzzled frown. "But that's totally contradictive!"

"Oh a philosopher!" Mela called in mock wonder. "Well let me clarify: pride of our superior race and hardiness, humility in the face of the powers that be. But enough sermons for a day! I've got to complete my circuit." And Mela walked on.

I also rose and dusted my trousers. Then I walked left. After some steps I came to a shop sign with a quill on it. Was there a bookstore in Sadrith Kegran? I entered the mushroom house…and gaped in wonder. No, I was _not_ in a bookstore, rather in an art gallery. All the walls were covered in paintings. Paintings, paintings, paintings… There were views of Morrowind which I only knew from history books and bestiaries: the old temple of the high fane in Vivec city, a silt strider near a lava flow, an Ashlander camp (I had read about them in "A brief history of Morrowind".), a Telvanni girl doing pivots while levitating… There even was a picture of Dagoth Ur, also known as devil-under-the-mountain. There even was a painting of an iceberg (definitely _not_ continental Morrowind) and the rear view of a Khajit wizard. "Hi there n'wah!" called the woman behind the counter. "Welcome to Midnabi's workshop. Midnabi, that's me. Originally, I hail from Solstheim. You know, Redoran country." Here, Midnabi made a face. "Duty! Piety! Gravity! *urgh* I was sick of all these ash storms, too. So I moved here. Sadrith Kegran is a great place, even for an n'wah." Midnabi was a young Dunmer woman with white hair and a painted face. She wore a very revealing dress.

"Hey, I'm Agrippina, master Selthrie's latest purchase. " I presented myself.

"You're master Selthrie's new n'wah?!" Midnabi exclaimed. "Oh you poor, poor girl! Master Selthrie uses his n'wah up with record speed." Then she winked in a confidential manner. "Hey, you wanna share a skooma pipe with me? Have some fun before biting the dust?"

Now it was _my_ turn to make a face. "No thank you, I rather wouldn't. As my old man once said: 'Drugs are no solution.'"

"Suit yourself. But I also have vibrant pigments on sale. I grind them from the colourful plants that grow down in the Dwemer ruins." Midnabi replied.

I started to blush and shuffled my feet. "I'm afraid Midnabi, right now I don't have a single septim to my name."

"What a pity!" Midnabi said. "Well better don't count on master Selthrie to give you pocket money. He sure as Oblivion won't. But in your little leisure time you might ask around town for work. Not every Dunmer here is as ungrateful as master Selthrie."

"Thanks for your advice!" I beamed. "I'll take my leave then. See you." I waved a hand and left the workshop. My next stop was… _Oh that must be the graveyard._ I said to myself. There were four tall black tombstones with eternal lights shining in decorative holes. The epitaphs read: "Here rests Lynabi Sendu torn apart by a bear". Owie! And then: "Here rests Tolisia Milo died in the scholar's experiment" Not a pretty way to pass on either. The third tombstone was blank. And what was on the fourth tombstone? _Now seriously?!_ Some wisecrack had engraved "Here rests a free man died from an arrow to the knee" in bold letters.

I just couldn't help myself: I was laughing hysterically, rolling on the floor and holding my sides. Oh Sanguine be praised! _That_ was a running gag among city guards all over Skyrim and the life story of about every fifth law enforcer. Then I sat up again, quit the giggles and wiped my eyes. Something was tugging on my trouser leg. I looked down and saw a big fat mudcrab. The critter was scribbling something on the ground with his pincers. "WANNA BUY SOMETHING?" I could read in crooked letters.

"What the fuck?!" I shrieked in utter surprise. _A trading mudcrab?_ Things really _were_ strange around Sadrith Kegran.

*scribble-scribble* "NO NEED TO BE CRASS YOUNG LADY. YOU GOT MONEY?"

"Err no, not really." I had to confess. "I'm poor as a temple mouse."

*scribble-scribble* "THEN DON'T CRUSH MY FAVOURITE MUSHROOMS. SHOO!"

"Whoops! I'll go then." I said and left the graves behind.

xxx

Back at Castle Dour, a quite distracted general Tullius waited for the scouts to return with news about Agrippina. The days passed by. Then a scruffy Breton of the scout corps walked to his desk and saluted.

"Did you have any luck soldier?" general Tullius asked.

"It was hard work, sir but we found a lead." the scout answered. "The Whiterun carriage driver, a Nord named Borlam. It took a lot of coins and three bottles of Honningbrew mead to make him talk. But talk he did. He transported a small group consisting of an orc, several Morag Tong agents and two prisoners to Kynesgrove. The description of the female prisoner seems to fit on Agrippina. But I lost the track in Eastmarch."

"The Morag Tong here in Skyrim?" general Tullius exclaimed. "That's unsettling news to put it mildly. You're dismissed soldier." The Breton left after he had been gifted with a heavy purse.

General Tullius rose from his chair to look for his second-in-command. He found legate Rikke in the courtyard practicing her swordsmanship on a wooden dummy. She pushed her blade back in the scabbard and went to greet her CO.

"General Tullius, you look somehow relieved." she said.

"Nah, I wouldn't call it relief. But I received news about Agrippina, very unsettling news. Looks like my girl got herself kidnapped. She's been transported to Kynesgrove and that's where the track grows cold. But I also heard the Morag Tong are somehow tangled in this." the general told.

"By the Nine…*ahem* I mean the Eight!" legate Rikke corrected herself.

"Now, I've got an unusual request legate. And of course, you've got every right to refuse." general Tullius said.

"Oh I can see where this is going dear general." legate Rikke sighed.

"You'd have to go deep into enemy territory. Of course you'd have to go undercover in civilian clothes. The Grey Quarters of Windhelm would be a good start for your investigation as these blasted Dunmer are involved." general Tullius explained.

"O.k. I'll do it. And I do it as your friend so don't go offending me with extra payment." legate Rikke threatened.

"That's good to hear." the general said and put on a rare smile. "Well go indoors and change clothes."

After some minutes legate Rikke stepped out of the door again. General Tullius blinked then whistled a catcall. "Wow legate!" he called. "I almost forgot how fine you look without heavy imperial armour. That dress suits you."

Legate Rikke was now wearing a reddish-brown gown with white undergarments. And without that helmet, her black mane of hair was flowing freely. "Thanks a lot sir. I'll get going now." So Rikke left the yard of Castle Dour and Solitude altogether, a brave woman with a mission.

xxx

I was on an exploring trip through Sadrith Kegran. I had already come to meet several netch, large floating beasts with six meaty appendages. Their underbellies glowed blue or a strange pulsating light green. The Dunmer tended to them for sturdy leather and nasty poison. And I stumbled over something I first thought to be rocks. Very smooth, very round rocks. But then I could spy an insect head with short antennae at one side of the supposed rock. So it was a giant bug making squawking noises. One of the Morag Tong filled me in when I asked.

"They're shellbugs, n'wah." the guy named Suron explained. "Their chitin is extremely durable but the mining process kills the poor critters. So we don't mine the chitin needlessly. Therefore a shellbug helmet is very expensive."

I hummed a non-answer and kept going on my tour of Sadrith Kegran. At a lonesome spot, I was suddenly tapped on the shoulder. I whirled round and came face to face with a male Khajit. "Ra'zhirra greets you." the cat-man purred.

"How come you can still talk?" I asked in surprise.

"The senile Shannath Selthrie forgot to mute Ra'zihrra. Ra'zihrra would not remind him of course." the Khajit replied with a twinkle in his feline eyes.

"Oh you were master Selthrie's property. You poor guy!" I said.

The Khajit hissed and let his hackles rise. "Oooh yes, master Selthrie was most unkind, always cruel and uncaring. Ra'zhirra would not live for long. But he got lucky. Marisa Verendas bought him and he has been serving drinks in the council hall for long 15 years now. Mistress Verendas has taken a liking to this one. Sometimes she even pets Ra'zhirra on the head."

"Well I'm called Agrippina and this whole Sadrith Kegran thing is brand new to me." I continued the conversation.

"Sadrith Kegran, now Ra'zhirra has always wondered what this means. Keg run, running with a keg?" the Khajit flicked his tail playfully.

I broke into a fit of giggles. When I had caught my breath again, I said. "No silly! It means 'the mushrooms of Eastmarch'. Master Selthrie has told me that."

"Do not belittle Ra'zhirra like this!" the Khajit cried obviously miffed. "He is a smart cat, always catching many secrets. Haughty Dunmer don't mind the lowly servant so they don't mind their conversations. For a moderate fee of 20 septims, this one will share the latest gossip with friend Agrippina. But if you want to make friendly banter with Ra'zhirra while he's on duty this one will pretend to be mute. Can't have mistress to discover his secret."

"I won't bring you in any 'situations'." I quickly promised. "But right now I just can't pay for rumours. I haven't got a septim to my name."

"Then Ra'zhirra will give you one advice for free. Friend Agrippina can buy her freedom back. All she needs is the sum master Selthrie spent on her plus 10 % interest. That's why this one does business in rumours. He is sick of this place and sick of being ordered around. Ra'zhirra do this, Ra'zhirra do that… *Cchhh*!" the Khajit was hissing again. "But now this one has to go back to work. An n'wah's work is never done."

He slunk back into the shadows and was soon vanished from my sight. I ambled through the mushroom forest until I came to a small place with a well. I was just about to fill a Dwemer cup with water when a throaty, harsh voice yelled at me. "Hey n'wah what do you think you're doing? Go drink from the puddles. That well is reserved for your betters."

I turned round and saw a bald Dunmer leave his house. The elf wore a simple, dark blue robe. "Excuse me?!" I said peeved. "One of the guards gave me a lecture about the grace of courtesy this very morning. You seem to be in need of a reminder."

"Oh sorry, I ought to apologize. My name is Tadys Andavel. I work at the Sadrith Kegran farmstead. I'm just a bit cranky because I don't get enough sleep these days. There's something making a riot under our house. As for the lesson, I know it just fine. 'Honoured ancestors we thank you for your courtesy. I will speak neither harsh nor hurtful words. But I shall speak respectfully, even of my enemies, for temperate words may turn aside anger.'" the Dunmer said.

"I am Agrippina. Agrippina Valeria Tullius if you want to be formal. But my name doesn't seem to count down here. There's a farmstead in this cave?" I asked.

"Aye." serjo Andavel rasped. "Some decades ago, the Dwemer garden dome was still dark and barren. Then Yen-Illu and master Selthrie, may the three bless them, repaired the artificial lighting, air vents and watering system. Now we can grow our own vegetables and even a small spruce forest. You should visit us some time or other. Sadrith Kegran is a pleasant spot. You can just live and be content with your life. Years pass slowly around here. But these past days the racket under our house has been quite disturbing. Maybe you'll talk to consul Verendas in the council hall if you've got nothing better to do."

"Will do!" I called cheerfully and scampered off. My first chance to earn myself some money. Hmm…the council hall. It should be in the centre of the cave. While I searched my way, I met a young Dunmer who wore leather armour. He had ginger hair in that up-combed Dunmer style. "Hi n'wah! I'm Maren Dwyn the junior hunter, future son-in-law of Bralys Sendu."

"I'm Agrippina, master Selthrie's new n'wah. Can you show me the way to the council hall?" I asked.

"The council hall is built into the trunk of Tel And, the prime mushroom. You can't miss it." Maren Dwyn answered.

"Why thank you. I'll be on my way now." I answered. I took my steps towards a huge emperor parasol, the great-grandfather of all mushrooms. A wooden walkway led to a circular door and I entered. _Great, that's the place where you've been caged and sold,_ a mean little voice in my head said. But now I was in no hurry so I explored the place thoroughly. There were the cages but also the side compartments with the chess board, an alchemy lab and in a lower chamber was sera Verendas' bedroom as it seemed. I had no business there so I returned to the upper floor. There was another door. I tried the handle but it was locked. "Locked for a reason!" one of the Morag Tong called to me. The wooden sign near the door was painted with the intricate seal of the Morag Tong. So that was their HQ.

And then I stood before the thrones of Sadrith Kegran. Ra'zhirra was also there carrying a tray with silver goblets. On the thrones sat two Dunmer in expensive Telvanni robes. The man had soot-coloured hair styled in a topknot and wore a long beard. He was dressed in a green robe. The lady at his side had black hair, a stern face and she wore a reddish robe. On her brow sat a circlet, probably gold with sapphires. That must be sera Verendas. So I addressed her. "Hi Mrs. Verendas! I am Agrippina, master Selthrie's new n'wah. I come on behalf of Tadys Andavel. There's something making a racket under his house. He says the noises are quite annoying."

Sera Verendas sighed and said: "So ol' Slyboots is hungry again."

"Who in Dagon's name is Slyboots?" I asked.

Sera Verendas winced and scolded: "No swearing to the four corners girl! Slyboots is a failed experiment of master Selthrie. The poor thing's a carnivore and very ugly. It looks like the result of passionate lovemaking between a spriggan and a dreugh."

Now it was _my_ turn to wince. Yuck! The image in my mind's eye wasn't a pleasing one. "Is that even possible?" I asked incredulously.

"Quite possible. Oh the awes and wonders of science. Well do you want to help us girl?" sera Verendas asked.

I nodded firmly. "Here's the key to the Sadrith Kegran catacombs. And take this lantern, too. Slyboots' prison is a pitch black hole. You can ask Bralys for meat. His shop is under the sign of the crossed arrows. As for Slyboots, you may put the poor thing out of its misery. Anything else?" Sera Verendas cocked her head expectantly.

I looked positively scandalized. "Put Slyboots out of its misery because it's a tad bit noisy? I don't think so! And why are you engaged in slave trade?"

"My dear, slavery is an integral part of Dunmeri culture and has been so for ages. Ever heard of house Dres? They even have the manacles on their banner. I'd be a bad consul if I would let such a hallowed tradition go to waste." Marisa Verendas justified herself.

I scoffed and needled: "Yeah, yeah anything to make you feel superior. Maybe I should read 'Great Houses of Morrowind' soon. See you!" I left the council hall again and searched for the butcher shop at the sign of the crossed arrows. I finally found it and this Bralys Sendu guy was even at home. Ho-ho, here was one beefy Dunmer! Bulging muscles could be seen under the crossed bandoliers of his hide armour. He wore black hair and had a painted face as well.

I went to the counter and said: "Hi, I'm Agrippina. I was tasked with feeding Slyboots. That creature is making a hunger-riot again. But I haven't got a septim to my name, so I can't pay. What's there to be done?"

"No money to pay? Well I can give you this chunk of reindeer for free." He grabbed a chunk of venison with a hook and held it under my nose. Oh dear gods! My nose wrinkled, my eyes started to water, I yapped for breath and went quite green in the face.

Serjo Sendu wagged his head from side to side and an amused shine came to his red eyes. "Yeah it's started to rot. I can't sell it anymore. But I think Slyboots isn't too choosy." I took the chunk of reindeer in my left hand with pinched fingers. Eeeww! I needed to wash my hands with soap after this job that was for sure. I left Bralys' shop and went on search for these catacombs. All around me, the Dunmer on the streets pinched their noses shut or waved a hand in front of said noses. I _knew_ that meat stank to the Deadlands so thanks for reminding me! As it turned out, the hatch to the Sadrith Kegran catacombs was on that plaza with the public well. I unlocked the locket, opened the hatch and climbed down the ladder. It really _was_ pitch dark down here. I groped around because my wee lantern only gave off a wee bit of light. I turned left and the corridor made a right turn after some paces. Were that _gnawed bones_ on the ground?! Yep all around me the floor was suddenly covered in the mortal remains of some poor creatures.

Then I saw _IT_ and almost dropped my lantern. Holy Shezarr in Aetherius above! ( _a. n.: Can you imagine the Halloween edition of a burnt spriggan? Then you've got a loose concept in your mind.)_ Slyboots was indeed awful to look at. It somehow looked like a burnt spriggan but had bloody bones stuck everywhere in its body. There even dangled a raw skull from its breast. Master Selthrie might be an expert on the Dwemer granted. But where living, breathing creatures were concerned he seemed to be a bumbling schoolboy, or worse yet an uncaring klutz. Seriously, how twisted must a Dunmer be to create such an abomination?

I gulped. Then I said: "Hi there! You must be Slyboots."

"*SCREECH*!" said the monster.

"I suppose that means: 'Yes dumbo, can't you see that dumbo?' Look, I've got raw meat for you, rotten reindeer as grown."

"*Screech-screech-screech!*" Slyboots answered. I handed the meat over and Slyboots tore huge chunks away with its maw and swallowed them whole. The poor thing must have been starving.

I shuffled my feet awkwardly. "Look Slyboots, sera Verendas told me to 'put you out of your misery'." The monster held up claws of respectable size and screeched again. This time it sounded a lot more sinister. "Don't fret, I'm not dumb enough to take you on with bare hands. That can only end with me needing to see the local healer. So I'll just leave and I won't lock the hatch again. You can go wherever you please. That's probably most unwise but I didn't beg to become a slave here. So I don't care"

I turned to leave the catacombs but Slyboots came running after me. At first I thought the brute would attack. But it was a tender hug, as tender as it goes for zombiefied spriggans. It was even rubbing a smouldering head on my shoulder. Ouch! I shoved Slyboots back gently but firmly. "I can see you're the clingy sort of monster." I laughed. "Fine, follow me."

So we got a lot of stares while walking back to the council hall. Offended stares, curious stares, frightened stares… And I caught all sorts of whispered remarks. "Horrible!" "Master Selthrie must have lost his marbles completely." "Someone should call the Ordinators." and other such niceties…

In the council hall, my path was blocked by Mr. X. "I'm Evo Mils the local Morag Tong leader. And that thing in your tow is a violation of each and every Morrowind law!"

I arched an eyebrow, not impressed in the least. "So you're bold enough to throw Slyboots out all by yourself?" I asked innocently.

Evo Mils' face fell. "Well there are exceptions to every law…" he backpedalled lamely.

"Exactly! Now please let us pass." I replied candidly. But serjo Mils brushed my shoulder as I passed him. "You better watch out girl! One of these days, I might catch you unawares without your hulking pet to protect you." he threatened. Charming guy, yes indeed!

Sera Verendas wasn't all too pleased either: "Almalexia's mercy, why is that monster still alive?" she shrieked.

I rolled my eyes and said: "Umm I hate to break bad news to you… Buut your precious Almalexia has been slain by the Nerevarrine some 200 odd years ago. As for the reason why Slyboots is still among the living… No one cared to grace me with a weapon! Did you seriously think I'd _brawl_ with a zombiefied spriggan?"

"Arming our slaves? And what are you dreaming about at night girl? No, better don't tell me. *sigh* Well here's your reward." sera Verendas grumbled. I was gifted with a heavy purse. Wow 100 septims and a milky emerald! That was a small fortune.

Hmm… I should buy myself some nicer clothes. But the thought of leaving money on Shaglak's counter made me sick to the stomach. Then I remembered the funny trading mudcrab. I returned to the graveyard and said. "Hey Mr. Crabby-crab, now I _have_ money! So would you please show me your best clothes?"

*scribble-scribble* "CALL ME 'AMUSING MUDCRAB' IF YOU HAVE TO NAME ME AT ALL. CLOTHES? LET'S SEE. OH YOU'LL _LOVE_ THIS ONE!" And off he was. After a while, the mudcrab returned with a tunic and trousers of vibrant pink. _Pink of all the colours!_ "*Ugh* Would you please search for another suit? I'm no icky-heat-sister if you catch my meaning." The mudcrab squawked indignantly but went back to his weird little critter-warehouse. Some moments later the crustacean returned with a dress of the most vibrant turquoise. "Much better!" I cheered. I hid behind a tombstone and had a change of clothes.

When I returned to the "stage" the mudcrab's squawk sounded distinctly awed. It went at the ground with its pincers again. *scribble-scribble* THAT MAKES 40 SEPTIMS.

"40 septims?!" I shouted in mock outrage. "That dress is only worth 30 septims." In the end we settled on 35 septims. Then I felt a tug on my amulet of suppression. _Looks like master Selthrie wants me back home again._ I sighed internally. So I returned to his house and entered. Slyboots was balking and bucking. "Poor thing you must have dreadful memories of this place!" I cooed. "Fine, wait outside."

I walked through the door and looked around master Selthrie's house unobtrusively. The whole place was a mess and I had a heavy feeling _I'd_ be the unlucky girl to muck it out. Seriously why didn't the guy bind his diary or lock his letters in a desk? I picked up a random page and it was full of 1s and 0s. "*ahem* Master, what's that cipher-salad on your diary page?" I asked.

"Whoa, I never allowed you to snoop around in my writings!" master Selthrie bellowed. He was stooped over his alchemy lab and boiling a substance that gave off a putrid stench.

"Sorry master." I mumbled halfway apologetic. "But you should tidy up."

"Oh no, no, no! That's _your_ blasted job. I didn't buy you just to pick death knells. But if you _must_ know: it's called binary code, an ingenious invention of the Dwemer." master Selthrie grumbled.

"I wouldn't know anything about this binary code." I said sullenly. ( _a. n.: And neither do_ _I_ _quite frankly.)_ Then, master Selthrie really _looked_ at me. Something like unhealthy lust shortly flickered in his remaining eye. Uh-oh! Time to leave… Then the old scholar grunted: "If I were 200 years younger I'd flip you on the bed and skewer you properly. But my little Dunmer dick has fallen into coma decades ago so don't you worry." I blushed a deep shade of scarlet. _Gods I didn't want to know THAT!_

Master Selthrie seemed to be lost in his own little world at the moment. He set that stinking concoction aside and mumbled: "A 'cure-vampirism-potion maybe'? But I didn't have all the ingredients, did I? Nightshade, Argonian blood, mandrake very hard to come by these days… Oh the heck that's what test subjects are there for. Sera Verendas would _shower_ me in praise…" I turned around to leave _discreetly_ but brushed against a mighty soul gem which cluttered to the floor.

"Can't you look out, you girl-shaped whirlwind of havoc?" master Selthrie yelled. "Argh! Let's settle on a few ground rules, shall we? Never lie to me! Do obey my every command immediately! And please don't get involved in any murder. Well?"

"Yes master." I mumbled with as little enthusiasm as possible. _Now really what was the old billy-goat a-thinking?! He DID have some nerves!_

"That's my girl! Keep to your vows Agrippina and I'll name you my Voice one day, or 'Mouth' as we used to say in the good old days on Vardenfell. Now how did that alchemy rule read once again? 'First the water, then the acid or it will blow up in your face.' Or was it vice versa?"

I decided to leave this alchemy amateur to his suicidal tests, filled a bowl with the slosh from the pot and retired into my cage to eat. It had been a long day.

* * *

Author's notes the second: As I said, I'll take some liberty with the dialogue lines. I don't know them by heart yet. And the idea of the Amusing Mudcrab being literate? That's my strange sense of humour.


	6. First duties such as house cleaning

author's notes: Hi folks! Here's another chapter of the trials and tribulations of Agrippina Valeria Tullius, wherein the poor girl has to do her first duties such as house cleaning and short errands. Master Selthrie, being the weirdo he is, has got some very peculiar opinions on decorations and board games. 'Nough said, do enjoy and please write feedbacks.

disclaimer: I don't own Project AHO, Dimonoider does. I only borrow his cast and crew. Agrippina is my OC.

* * *

First duties such as house cleaning and errands

I must have woken pretty early. Well sleeping on a bedroll in a criffing cage was unfamiliar for me, not to mention uncomfortable. Owie my poor back! I went outdoors to wash myself in one of the thermal springs. Slyboots was on a trip as it seemed. I couldn't see it anywhere near master Selthrie's house. As I lay in the steaming water, I read in "Great Houses of Morrowind". Uh-hu… So basically, there were the Telvanni, house of the master wizard under the coat-of-arms of flames and mushroom-roots. Then there were the Redoran, the warriors under the coat-of-arms of the scarab beetle. Hlaalu the traders under the coat-of-arms of the scales, Indoril the temple-folk under the coat-of-arms of the upturned triangle, and at last the charming Dres, slave hunters and planters under the coat-of-arms of the manacles.

I was so engrossed in my literature that I yelped in surprise as someone grabbed my shoulder and held an ebony dagger to my throat. An all-too-known voice rasped in my ear: "You've been marked for an honourable execution and I'll make a candlestick out of your skull. Just joking! I wish I could see your face now. Come on, turn around. I _told_ you, I'd get one over back at you for making me lose face in the council hall!" Evo Mils! Didn't this asshole have any urgent murders to do?

"Ah Evo, would you _please_ stop bothering my n'wah? She's got duties to do." Saved by the bell that was master Selthrie's nagging voice!

"Esteemed master Selthrie, how are the experiments going?" serjo Mils asked with fake courtesy. "Did that vampire of yours sprout a second head already?"

Master Selthrie uttered a string of expletives and swearwords that would even have made a dremora blush. Evo Mils roared in laughter, turned around and sauntered off. Master Selthrie was still fuming. "How dare he mock me, that thug, that good-for-nothing piece of *argh*?!" The old Dunmer was cut short by a violent coughing fit. In the meantime, I vanished behind a boulder and put on my turquoise dress.

When I emerged again Master Selthrie was still wheezing and shaking. Not shaking with righteous fury but with fatigue, I noticed. I turned my eyes aside in embarrassment. Now should I feel pity or glee? To override my internal struggle I asked: "What about Rasputin? I mean, he didn't actually…"

Master Selthrie shook his head. "No the bloodsucker's starving but otherwise unharmed. You should buy a bucket of goat blood at Sendu's later. But now let's go back to my place. Spring cleaning is overdue."

"Oh yes since we have already the merry month of Sun's Height. And thank you for saving me from serjo Mils' harassment." I said.

"Bah, don't mention it!" master Selthrie grumbled. But there was no real bite in it. House cleaning at Selthrie's. *ugh* Now where to begin? I decided to start with the writings and documents. So I gathered the letters and the diary pages. I knew I shouldn't snoop but… Oh dear, as it looked, a delivery of books was five years overdue! Well master Selthrie _did_ confess forgetfulness on the diary pages. The youngest page was the gloomiest one. Something about a deceased slave, some unholy tea, unfinished research and dementia… What had I gotten myself into? I shook myself like a wet dog and placed the paper on a shelf. There already were two…game pieces (?) on the shelf, one red and the other golden. They looked like tiny Dwemer guardian spheres and spider workers. Of course: that chess board in the council hall!

"*ahem* Master Selthrie, don't these pieces belong on the chess board in the council hall?" I asked.

Master Selthrie looked at me in a funny way. Then he said: "Aye, the sets are scattered all over Sadrith Kegran. Chess: that was up the ladders and down the snakes. Oh I _loved_ it when I was still a rascal."

I did a double take and stared at master Selthrie long and hard. The old codger looked dead serious, so pulling the n'wah's leg could be ruled out. I sighed. How did I tell him diplomatically? "Master, with all due respect I think you mixed something up."

But the old Telvanni was already miles away in his own once-upon-a-time-land. His remaining eye was hazy and unfocused. He started to ramble: "Oh Alfe, I remember Sadrith Mora. We were playing 'Sharmat has called' and 'catch-the-guar' until Lord Neloth was fed up with the noise, came down from his Tel and let his staff dance on our backs. Oh those were the days…"

Wait, who the heck was Alfe? Well it didn't really matter. I decided to leave master to his daydreaming and went back to the great muck-out. I dusted the enchanter and alchemy lab and gathered all the potions and soul gems in different spots. I sniffed at one vial. *oooohhhh* Julianos protect me! I almost hoped, the stuff was poison only to be applied on blades and arrows. Master Selthrie had snapped out of his trance. He grumbled: "I'm going to lie down for a while" and went to his bedroom.

So I sat down for a late breakfast of bread and scrib jelly. I also tried some of the spices from master Selthrie's kitchen rack. Phew… _Hot, hot, HOT!_ I yanked the cork out of a milk jar and took a generous swig before I could turn into a fire-breathing dragon. _Note to self: Be careful with Dunmer spices!_ Then I went to the rear room. Rasputin was rattling at his cage. He pointed to a piece of charcoal and made beckoning motions. I got the hint and handed the charcoal to Rasputin. He wrote "I'm an inch away from starving!" on the cage floor.

"Poor guy! I'll dash over to the hunter and ask for blood." I calmed him. But my nasty encounter with serjo Mils had made me careful. So I pulled the silver sword out of the floor and hid it in my dress. "Thank you! That dratted thing has given me an itch for too long." Rasputin wrote with the charcoal. I tiptoed into master Selthrie's room, a quite interesting spot. On his desk lay a spell tome with the title "Conjured jumper". _What's a jumper?_ I wondered. Then there was a small metal cube, filigree and shining with a green light. So that was one of these fabled Dwemer artefacts. Then there was a statuette of Dwemer metal, a stylized cogwheel with a chip of a light blue crystal in the middle. A skull completed this little collection of oddities. At first, I wanted to throw that mouldy bone in the trash bin. On second glance, I discovered the daedric script on the bony forehead, probably a memento. So I just dusted the grisly thing and put it back on the table. Master Selthrie was snoring on the bed. He had taken his green robe off and I could count all the ribs on his withered chest. So maybe Rasputin wasn't the only hungry mouth under this roof.

I took the remaining septims out of my bedroll: 65 coins. Then I left the house and went to the Sendu's shop. "Hey serjo Sendu, I'd like to have a bucket of goat blood. And this time, I _can_ pay." I said.

Serjo Sendu arched one slanted eyebrow. "Now I must say you're developing some unhealthy passions, Agrippina. Have you been checked by a priest lately?" he asked.

I snorted and said: "We both know I'm not allowed to leave the premises of Sadrith Kegran – yet. But the blood is not for me. Master Selthrie has bought a vampire as a test subject. And a starving vampire is an ugly roommate. So… "

"I suppose this is no official errand." Bralys Sendu said.

 _Oh why was this guy making things so difficult? Did he want extra money? We hadn't even settled on a price!_ It looked like I wasn't the only one annoyed with the hunter's reluctance. A female voice from the back of the house grumbled: "Father now sell the blood already to her, so we can close the shop for lunch! I'm Aryni by the way." A black haired young Dunmer woman in a fur armour appeared in the doorway.

"Oh fine that makes 10 septims. And here's a wooden lid for the bucket. It's for the best that not everyone sees what you're carrying around." serjo Sendu said. I paid without any haggling and left the butcher shop. Then I wanted to buy some food for master Selthrie while I was at it. So I decided to go to the inn. Then I thought of Dalos and his desires. _Oh just let him come! You're armed now, not armed to the teeth but…_ my inner rebel said. A patrolling Morag Tong told me that "Chitin & Flin" was grown right at the gates to the outer world of Skyrim.

I found the spot soon enough and – yeah – I _did_ try to make a Breton exit. ( _a. n.: That means 'to disappear without telling anyone'. It's a German saying: to make a French exit.)_ But I was hit by a familiar wave of exhaustion shortly before I reached the Dwemer gates. _Oh dang!_ So sighing I went back to the inn. _Holy mother Mara!_ Serjo Verendas' mascot seemed to be the great-grandfather of all the mudcrabs in Skyrim. The huge shell was draped over the entrance holding a whole bunch of lanterns in an overgrown pincer. I entered and was immediately washed over by pleasant music. A human woman and a female Argonian stood in a corner playing the drum and flute. An utterly tanked Morag Tong was napping at one of the tables. _Sanguine's balls what had that guy been drinking?_ I looked at the label on the bottle but the name was written in Dwemer letters. So I took a sniff and already my head was reeling. I could smell gin, honey, some other booze and exotic flavours. _Geez that Dunmer would have one hell of a hangover!_

At another table sat a couple as it seemed. I presented myself. The woman answered: "Hi, I'm Zarona. This is my husband Serer Orys. We're also new in Sadrith Kegran. We moved in from the Grey Quarters in Windhelm, couldn't stand the bad attitude of all these Nord any longer. Serjo Free-Winter was the only pleasant one of the whole bunch. Now we live at the inn until our mushroom pod is grown. But that seems to take forever! Maybe I should write a complaint to consul Verendas."

"Nice to meet you." I said politely. Then the Morag Tong woke up, groaned, pressed a hand to his mouth and staggered outdoors. "Don't puke on the mudcrabs!" I called after him. Then, I went down to the counter. Dalos Verendas was wiping a mug clean. He spied me and said: "Ah the defiant little troublemaker! I hope you can pay."

I had to bite my tongue or else this would turn nasty very soon. "55 septims should be enough to buy a whole week's worth of food stocks." I said proudly. "What's on the menu?"

"Roast meats, home-made stews, cheese, apples, all sorts of bread and pastry… This corner club is my pride. My mother is a seasoned ruler but all these intrigues, decisions and foul compromises… *ugh* Politics was never my cup of Flin!" serjo Verendas told me.

"Oh whatever, I'll take three lavender dumplings, one pot of horker stew and one pot of cabbage-apple-stew." I ordered.

Serjo Verendas gathered all that food and put it in a basket. "That makes 20 septims. The basket is on the house." I paid and was just about to leave when serjo Verendas started to sing in a scratchy baritone.

"We drink to our youth, for the days come and gone /

For the Age of Aggression is just about done. /

We'll drive out the Stormcloaks and restore…"

Here, the landlord was cut short by a coughing fit. I winced and said quite innocently: "Maybe praying to Dibella helps?"

Dalos scowled at me. "Bah, Dibella! I'll pray to our Lord Vivec if I have to pray at all. But first I'll try a spoonful of honey. Now be gone, run back to your master!"

I left the inn, sidestepped a puddle of vomit and walked in on a heated discussion in Dunmeris. A fuming Evo Mils was reading the unlucky drunkard the riot act. I decided to make myself scarce. Enough ruffled feathers for one day!

Back at master Selthrie's, the old wizard was awake once more. He waited for me with crossed arms. "Now give me that bucket of blood." he ordered. I did so and master Selthrie took that bottle with the reeking potion and spilt the stuff among the blood. Then he stirred with a ladle. "But master!" I called disgustedly. "That's borderline torture!"

"No it's called elementary research! Go ahead, feed the vampire with that mixture.." master Selthrie barked.

I sighed and walked to the back room. "Feeding time Rasputin!" I hollered. The vampire had already pressed his pale face to the bars and was drooling. Yuck! But after taking a sniff, Rasputin bared his fangs and wrote with a shaking hand.

"Mean master drugged my blood!"

"Then don't drink it just to be safe." I suggested.

The vampire looked at me with yellow puppy eyes. _Okay, puppy eyes are quite a feat for a creature of Molag Bal!_ I laughed internally. He bent down and scribbled: "I _have_ to drink sometime soon. If I don't I'll fall into coma. I already heard about starved vampires in the wilds. Sometimes they lie in the heather, steaming in broad daylight because they've become too weak to seek shelter."

I shuddered at his tale. Then I lifted the bucket to the bars and gently poured the blood for the vampire. Rasputin drank his fill. He wiped his mouth with a bare arm and shooed me off. I walked back to the kitchen area and heated the horker stew. Then I called: "Master, lunch is ready!"

"You are distracting me from a particularly difficult mind process." master Selthrie whined.

"And _you_ are malnourished! I could play the piano on your ribs." I retorted. *whack* So I had earned myself my first slap. I had a sinking gut feeling it wouldn't be the last one. "Owie!" I grumbled.

"Never, ever compare me with a musical instrument again!" the old jerk shouted. But he joined me at the table. We ate in silence. Then master Selthrie said: "Now go to the blacksmith and pick up my 'staff of icy rage'. I might need it in the near future. It's been broken in a brawl with a prowler. So I gave it to serjo Rendo for mending. It took him a small eternity but he sent word to me today. Here's serjo Rendo's payment." He tossed a heavy purse at me. I caught it and master Selthrie put a hand on my shoulder. "One more thing: if I must hear that you spent this money on Kram Bam Bula I'll make you rue the day you were born. Any other questions?"

"Yes, indeed. What's a prowler? What's Kram Bam Bula? And where do I find the forge?" I fired.

Master Selthrie massaged his temple. Then he grunted. "A prowler is the local variety of a Dwemer centurion. It's got the nasty habit of tossing innocent explorers around like ragdolls. Pray to Sotha Sil that you'll never meet one in the bolt. Kram Bam Bula is a Dwemer liquor of _some_ potency. Yen brews it in his distillery. But I once found an ancient, dusty bottle of Kram Bam Bula reserve down in Bkhalzarf. Bottled in the 5th year of the reign of Dumac Dwarf-Orc! I was bold enough to try it. That stuff could have knocked a giant on his arse. I experienced a week-long blackout and was charged with 'improper advances on consul Marisa Verendas' afterwards. Honour affairs are so tedious, all the more so when Shaglak and Dalos are involved!" I couldn't help myself again: I was roaring with laughter and holding my sides. Oh sweet Divines!

"Yes, just mock me all you want." master Selthrie grumbled. "As for the forge… I thought you would have found it by now. Sadrith Kegran is small enough that you can run a tour of the town ten times over in a day. *sigh* Just head south-west. And do tell Varen that I refuse to teach his son any longer. The lad's got a common head filled with charcoal, a huge waste of time!"

I followed master Selthrie's directions and found the forge. It stood raised on a wooden scaffold. Serjo Rendo was busy holding a sword to his whetstone. Just to rile him up, I asked: "You're the blacksmith?" Varen rose to the bait. He yelled in a falsetto voice and mock outrage: "How dare you?! I'm the queen! Your queen is tired of your stupid questions now."

I did a curtsy and said: "O.k. enough drama; I'm running an errand for master Selthrie. You wrote him that you had repaired his 'staff of icy rage'?"

Master Rendo glowered at me. "Yes, I _did_ mend it. But I want to see my money first." He held out a coal-smeared hand. I grinned and handed the purse over. Master Rendo poured the coins on his Anvil and started to count. It took a while. I was rocking to and fro on the balls of my feet. It would have been very nice now to have a fan to hide any yawns. Finally the blacksmith seemed satisfied.

""200 septims, good that's correct. Sometimes, master Selthrie 'forgets' some 20 or 30 septims. Here's his baby. Don't come in contact with the wrong end! You'd freeze stiff to your own monument." master Rendo warned me.

I took the staff in my hand and said: "Ah, before I forget… Now how do I tell you diplomatically? Your son Merano, master Selthrie refuses to teach him any longer. Master says your son is more of the practical sort and…"

"My son has been going to _whom_ behind my back?!" serjo Rendo seethed. "I knew Merano had undue ambitions but master Selthrie as a mentor, now really? He might have been an outstanding scholar once. The responsibility for a whole expedition is not given to the next best country bumpkin. But master Selthrie is touched in the head for quite a while now. Didn't you know?"

I looked to the ground and shuffled my feet. "Well I've had suspicions. But I really shouldn't… Because master Selthrie might name me his voice one day and I shouldn't slander." I mumbled.

Serjo Rendo had a good laugh at that. "Dream on n'wah! I know the likes of master Selthrie. He'll never let you rise above the rank of 'helper'. Now go back to your duties."

Largely deflated, I walked back to master Selthrie's house. Oh this was just about _great!_ I was no expert on the Telvanni house-ranks. But somehow "helper" didn't sound all that significant. If I was a tad bit smarter maybe… Yeah, yeah: if 'ifs' and 'ans' were pots and pans…

I went through the door beneath the colourful chimneys and gave the staff to master Selthrie. He put on a rare razor-thin smile and called: "A here she is, my little Falmer witch. I was talking about that staff not about _you._ There's nothing even remotely elf-like about you." I ground my teeth and counted on three. _Of course no reward but rather mockery!_

When I could trust my voice again, I said: "If you've got no use for me any more today, I'll _call_ it a day master."

"Maybe you'll do some evening reading yet? I recommend the transcript of the Dwemer alphabet, written by _me_ of course. It should be on my desk. You'll never know when you need it. Now shoo, nighty-nighty…" master Selthrie said. _Gods that guy was_ not _arrogant in the least, was he?_ I sighed and went into master Selthrie's bedroom to collect the book. My eyes landed on the trophy as well. I called out into the hall: "Master what's with that skull on your desk?"

I could hear master Selthrie groan. _Good annoy that bastard till he bursts a vessel!_ my inner rebel said. "You and your countless silly questions Agrippina! That's the mortal remains of Yorik." the old wizard answered. "A hulking brute of a Nord but he knew his place, best manservant I ever had."

I made a face and walked to my cage. _Better not tell legate Rikke._ I said to myself. Rasputin had sunken to the floor of his cage. He looked even paler than usual and was sweating blood again.

"Hey what's wrong with you? You look like crap." I said to the vampire.

Rasputin clenched a hand to his stomach. With the other hand he wrote: "I started to feel woozy about 5 minutes after you fed me. Stand back, I'll be sick like a dog any moment now!" I hastily retired a few steps. Rasputin's yellow eyes grew big as saucers. He clapped a hand to his mouth but it was no use. *bleurgh* He spewed a stream of vomit on the floor of his cage. Have you ever smelled half-digested blood? _Wonderful_ sensation, yes really and indeed! I was just lucky that I hadn't eaten dinner yet.

"Sorry about that." Rasputin wrote with a shaky hand. He was trembling all over and took a bunch of hay to wipe his mouth clean. "My stomach's still doing backflips." Great, now he was dry-heaving!

"Hey, no need to apologize. It's just a bodily reaction. If there's anyone to blame, it's master Selthrie. What was he thinking? I'll wipe that clean tomorrow." I promised. Rasputin took slow, deep breaths and wrote: "You're a sweetie!"

I didn't know it yet but these were Rasputin's famous last words.

* * *

author's notes the second: There's another chapter done! But don't go looking for that dusty bottle of Kram Bam Bula reserve now! I made it up.


	7. Agrippina's worst night ever

author's notes: Hi folks, here's chapter 7 of my story „The trials and tribulations of Agrippina Valeria Tullius". It will contain some nasty scenes so don't read if you can't stomach it. You have been warned! When I was in a mental hospital last year (Yes, it can happen to just about _anyone_ these days…) I once witnessed a fellow patient having a seizure. Let me tell you: it was not a pretty sight!

disclaimer: I don't own Project AHO, Dimonoider and HAEM studios do. I only fool around with their characters. Only Agrippina belongs to me.

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Agrippina's worst night ever

It was very late (or very early, depends) when I was woken by rattling noises. Rasputin! I sat up from my bedroll and called: "Hey Rasputin, I know you are sick but it's the middle of the night so please stop making a racket."

Rasputin kept rattling his cage so I stood to my feet pretty peeved. Hadn't the guy heard me? Then I saw what was going on in his cage. _Holy Arkay's crap!_ The vampire wasn't naughty just to annoy me. He was having a seizure! His pale body was pressed against the bars and convulsing. His arms were stretched through the bars and stiff like wood. Only the hands were clenching and unclenching. The garlic was causing Rasputin's skin to blister but he didn't seem to even notice. His yellow eyes were bulging, the pupils dilated. His mouth was chomping down on an iron bar and he had already cracked a fang. Scarlett froth was dripping from his lips.

I screamed and screamed some more. That brought a very disgruntled master Selthrie to the plan. "Idiot girl! Do you even know the hour? My Dwemer chronometer says 1 a. m. !" he yelled at me. Then he assessed the situation. "Damnation, that wasn't supposed to happen. Where did you tidy up the antidote, girl?" I all but ran to the hall rummaged through the vials. Antidote, antidote, antidote? Ah, here it was! Little green bottle, not unlike a stamina potion but the little label said otherwise.

I was running back to the rear room my feet coming to a screeching halt. Oh dear gods no! Rasputin had gone quiet, very quiet. He was slumped in his own vomit, yellow eyes staring off into nothingness. On the verge of tears, I asked: "He didn't just…?"

"Hit the bucket?" master Selthrie completed my sentence. "Yes, he did. A true shame, not to speak of ill-placed money. But such is science, trial and error girl, trial and error! Now go back to sleep. In the morning, I'll tell you what to do with the corpse." And off he was, grumbling about formulas and flawed alchemy tomes. _Did that man have a lump of ice in his chest? Ill-placed money? Trial and error? What the fuck?!_ My back was riddled with goose bumps and I was shivering. I bent down in front of Rasputin's cage for some last words. I felt like I owed him that much. "Hey there! You're probably in Coldharbour by now, a place where no 10 carthorses could drag me off to. You're lucky that you're beyond master's reach now. Poisoning people out of sheer stupidity and all that crap. I'll never forgive him. Never!" Then I rose again and walked back to my bedroll.

xxx

Legate Rikke had taken the carriage to Windhelm. In civilian clothes, she'd have to go without her rank for some time. It was already night as she passed through the gates. She went straight ahead to Candlehearth Hall and paid for a late dinner and a room. She went upstairs to the guest room first. There was a pretty large crowd gathered. A Dunmer bard was strumming a lute. She sat down at a table and ate roasted pheasant and bred. Then she ordered a bottle of mead from Susanna the Wicked. Awful moniker for a tavern maid but oh well… As she brought the drink she whispered in Rikke's ear: "If our choice of drinks should be too tame for your likings you can go to the Grey Quarters. New Gnisis Corner Club, that's where they serve the real stuff."

 _Ah most interesting!_ Rikke thought. That would be a good place to listen to Dunmer gossip. But that would have to wait for tomorrow. The inn bed was calling. Rikke paid her tab, went to her room, undressed and went to bed.

The next day, right after breakfast Rikke got on her way to the Grey Quarters. She witnessed a Dunmer woman being harassed by two Nord men. Oh that typical backwater Nord mentality! But Rikke couldn't risk causing a scene. So she stood back and calmly waited for the two trouble-makers to get lost. Then she went to the frazzled Dunmer. "Hi, is everything all right?" Rikke asked.

But the Dumer "answered" with a counter-question. "Do you also hate the Dunmer, the stinking grey-skins, 'the blasted Daedra heathens'?"

Rikke winced and said: "No, not hate rather caution. I've got to thank my parents for a more cosmopolitical upbringing. Of course I heard the tales but I filed them under S like 'slander'."

The Dunmer's face softened visibly. "Then you've come to the wrong city. Windhelm is ruled by ignorance, prejudice and no small amount of malice. I'm Suvaris Atheron by the way."

"I'm le… I mean, I'm Rikke. Well I've come to Windhelm to follow the tracks of a friend of mine. So I thought, I'd ask around at the Grey Quarters. She was last seen in Dunmer company." the Nord said.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you. Grey Quarters is a derelict ghetto packed full with frustrated Dunmer. Sometimes, a clan of 10 heads strong has to share a three-room-apartment! Ulfric Stormcloak just doesn't care. His stay at the Thalmor dungeons has made him bitter towards _all_ elves. But stupid goons like Rolf Stone-Fist and his buddy are the worst. They get drunk off their boots then they roam the Grey Quarters and shout ill names at us right at the dawn of day. Charming!" Mrs. Atheron said.

"So why don't you leave? Move to Rifton for example." legate Rikke asked.

Mrs. Atheron scoffed. "And prove all those racist Nords right? Yes, brilliant idea! But all pride set aside… I work at the harbour, in the trade bureau of clan Shatter-Shield and for twenty years now. I've got friends here in the Grey Quarters, a husband, a family! I can't just pack my things and leave whatever these jealous s'wit blame me for."

"Yes, you're right. It _was_ a stupid proposal." Rikke admitted. "Well I'm shy to say this in broad daylight but I'm looking for a Morag Tong."

Mrs. Atheron whistled through her teeth. "Ah _now_ we get down to business! No more touching tales about lost friends. Lady Mephala would be proud of you."

Rikke looked at the Dumer aghast. "What?! No it's _not_ like that. It's *argh*… It's complicated. I don't want to see someone dead; I only want possibly classified information."

"And since no Buoyant Armiger is around, a Morag Tong will have to do?" Mrs. Atheron's crimson eyes sparkled with amusement. Then she became dead serious. "Look for a Dunmer who claims he's a lumberjack but doesn't know a thing about trees." she whispered in Rikke's ear. Aloud she said: "Oh Azura, where's the time going? I should be down at the harbour scribbling in the Shatter-Shield ledgers." And off she went.

Rikke shook herself clear of any goose bumps. Then she went down to the harbour. A little beggar girl stepped in her path. "Lady, do you want to buy flowers? Please?" She held up a basket full of quite ordinary flora: lavender, mountain flowers and only one dragon tongue orchid.

Rikke smiled down at the girl. "Thank you, I'll take the dragon tongue orchid. Here are 10 septims. Where are your parents?"

The girl became sombre. "Both dead. I'm a war orphan. The name's Sofie. But you're quite generous. I think I like you."

"Oh my! Can you show me the way to the Grey Quarters?" Rikke asked.

"Just head down the stairs. Follow the smell of incense and piss. Master Redayn is a decent man…*err* mer. Sometimes he takes me in for the night; but only when his hole-in-the-wall is empty. Drunken Dunmer and little girls don't mix he keeps saying." Sofie told her.

"And he's probably right. Thanks, I'll get going now." Rikke waved a hand and went down the stairs into another world, or so it seemed. It was still Nord architecture but the houses and alleys were festooned with orange lanterns and banners. Rikke could spot scarab beetles, scales, swirling flames and daedric writing. There were abstract paintings on the walls and yes… The smell of incense and piss _was_ overwhelming. Then she spotted a shop sign. "Sadri's used goods" stood there in Nord runes and probably the same in daedric lettering. _Could be worth a shot._ Rkke thought and entered the store.

The place was cramped and dim but the shelves were full with the various every-day-goods. "Oh a Nord customer, what a pleasure!" the Dunmer behind the counter shouted. "I'm Revyn Sadri, the owner of this shop. Thank you for choosing _me_ over that seedy Altmer on the market place. _My_ wares are all legal. I even own a few items and artefacts that staunch adventurers brought from Fort Morvunskar. That place is CRAWLING with renegade mages or so I heard."

 _Gods that guy just_ loves _to gush!_ Rikke thought. She was sick of word-fencing so she chose to be blunt. "Dozens of people step through your door each and every day, right? Do you know any Morag Tong agents here in Windhelm?"

Whoops! Mr. Sadri's smile turned sour in an instant. "*ahem* *cough* No, I don't. But I _might_ have the Fork of Horripilation under my counter."

"The fork of what?!" Rikke shouted bewilderedly.

Mr. Sadri sighed dramatically. "Ah, never mind. It's just a daedric trinket of Lord Sheogorath, patron daedra and tormentor in unison of all the benighted, disturbed and stark raving mad. And _you_ seem to be a madwoman to ask about the Woodland Guild so bluntly. Now either buy something or leave."

Legate Rikke *hmph*-ed, turned on her heels and left the shop leaving a peeved Mr. Sadri behind. Daedric artefacts, now really! If the guy didn't want to help her, fine. But such ridiculous jokes about deranged cutlery were downright insulting. Still grumbling, she came to the next building. "New Gnisis Corner Club" said the wooden sign accompanied by the painting of a fearsome beast: reptilian, horned and quite ugly. Rikke did a double take. Then she heard a throaty chuckle coming from the shades beneath the arcades. "Just imagine it were a real life kagouti Nord!" An elderly Dunmer was sitting cross-legged on the ground nursing a jug of… Well Rikke really didn't want to know. Dunmer alcohol had an almighty punch behind it.

Rikke asked: "These ka-gou-ti, are they related to dragons?"

Another chuckle and a coughing fit later, Rikke got her answer. "No girl, the wings are missing. And they don't spit fire unless those Telvanni have been meddling in genetics again. Wouldn't be the first time."

"Good to know." the legate off duty said. "Won't we go indoors? I mean, you must be freezing your balls off down there on the ground. There's a famous joke. 'Summer in Windhelm is when snow turns to sleet.' I'm Rikke."

The Dunmer's casual expression turned to a leer. "Oh you're one of those chicks. Suits me fine. I haven't had a wild ride in ages. We can talk about the drakes later."

 _Oh why, just why do I get into all sorts of embarrassing situations lately?_ Rikke despaired internally. Aloud, she said: "Whoa, whoa, whoa I'm _not_ a hooker, oh no sir! I just want to haul in some Dunmer-related information about… Well it's delicate. The daughter of a good friend of mine got lost lately, kidnapped by an orc and several Morag Tong, as the rumours go. Do you know a woodcutter per chance and I'm using the term loosely?"

The Dunmer looked at her with an inscrutable face. Then he shrugged: "Maybe I know him, maybe not. You're right; some warmth _might_ help me to remember." Then he rose, dusted his trousers off and entered the corner club. Rikke followed him. The New Gnisis Corner Club was…sleazy would be too blunt again. But the establishment had definitely seen better days. The velvet covering on the bar stools had become threadbare ages ago, the counter was pockmarked with countless nicks and scorch marks, the precious few pictures on the walls hung askew…

The copper-haired Dunmer behind the counter virtually stood on attention and called: "Ah Farwyl, always good to see ya. But please don't stick your…"

The elderly Dunmer, now christened Farwyl, made a motion so fast Rikke could hardly follow with her eyes. *WHACK* Suddenly, there was an iron war axe buried in the counter. _Must be some kind of family heirloom._ Rikke thought. The handle had darkened with age and the blade was notched in many places.

"You were saying Ambarys?" Farwyl asked and mirth was dancing in his red eyes.

Ambarys Redayn was glowering at his patron. "You're such a dick Farwyl! Now I have to send Malthyr for putty again because _you_ can't be arsed to stop demolishing my furniture." Then the landlord turned to Rikke. "And maybe, just maybe _you_ came to the wrong neighbourhood. Elda Early-Morning should be better suited to fulfil your needs."

Before Rikke could give a cranky reply, Farwyl spoke up. "It's okay Ambarys. She's here to talk business." The landlord went light grey all of a sudden and gulped. "Umm in _that_ case I'll just cover my pointy ears." he said.

Farwyl nodded. Then he went to stroke his axe! A tender almost-smile came to his wrinkled face. "That's my baby!" he rasped. "Truer than each and every harlot all across Tamriel. We've been together through Oblivion and high water…" _Almighty Talos, that guy has a weapon fetish complex._ Rikke thought. Then she coughed politely.

Farwyl turned to Rikke. Then he asked: "Morag Tong on a slave hunt? That's odd. Normally that's the job of Camonna Tong, the crime lords or great house Dres. Especially the Camonna Tong can become quite beasty where competition is involved."

Rikke sighed: "Look I'm absolutely sure. My sources are quite reliable. My friend's daughter is an imperial girl, sweet sixteen, black curly hair, tan skin. Scouts have been following rumours of her tracks up to Kynesgrove and that's where the trail goes cold."

Farwyl looked even more thoughtful. "I haven't spoken to a fellow Morag Tong personally in almost a decade. Just correspondence… The Eastmarch caldera, now that's a place I've got no fond memories about. I once regained my senses drifting around in one of those hot springs and a scavenging wolf was trying to get a bite out of my leg. Can't remember for the life of me how I got there or what knocked me out cold. I've been stumbling around like a headless chicken for three days after. Then there are those funny Dunmer visiting the Corner Club every now and again. They seem to be Telvanni folk going by their robes. But I dubbed them 'the cave-dwellers' because they are still throwing around with names from history books such as The Tribunal, you know Almalexia, Vivec and Sotha Sil or Kagrenac. Strange folk indeed! Some of them are half animunculus and they never mention where they come from."

Rikke pinched the bridge of her nose. "Well that wasn't half as helpful as I hoped. But still requires a reward." She dug around in her purse and shoved some septims over the counter. "Here you are, for your next jug of…" She waved a hand helplessly.

"Shein?" Farwyl rasped. Then he shoved the coins back. "Thank you but no. No murder, no fun. You see?"

Rikke's face froze. She *uh-huh*ed, gathered her change again and left the New Gnisis Corner Club. _Now here's a Dunmer that you never want to anger!_ she said to herself.

* * *

author's notes the second: I don't know if the sign of New Gnisis Cornerclub is decorated with a kagouti. Would be cool though. And yeah, I gave that mysterious villain from "A surprising method to become an axe-man" a feature. Because that in-game lore book appeals to my darker sense of humour.


	8. No corpse no case!

author's notes: Hi folks! This will be chapter 8 of Agrippina's misadventures. In the last chapter, Rasputin "hit the bucket" (*sniff*) and legate Rikke did some inquiries in civilian disguise. To amend an earlier mistake of mine: Rikke has fair hair, not black. Agrippina now has a little dead-body-problem to solve but as to how she does it: well I don't want to spoil your fun! Reviews would be nice.

disclaimer: I don't own Project AHO. That honour goes to Dimonoider and HAEM studios. I only own my OC Agrippina. But now on with the story!

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No corpse no case _or_ a very special burial

I woke up from unpleasant dreams to an even more unpleasant reality. I saw Rasputin, a quite dead vampire, in his cage. I gulped. The last rites would be messy indeed. But breakfast first! Breakfast at master Selthrie's was always a bit of a gamble. You never knew, what the old wizard ordered you to prepare. Today he wanted fried kwama eggs and trama root compote. I hadn't even heard about either of those dishes! So, the eggs first… Those were the strangest eggs I'd ever seen; the shell was grey and wrinkled. I cracked two of them open and poured the contents into an oiled frying pan. Well at least they _smelled_ like good old western chicken eggs. *put, put, put* *cock-a-doodle-do* A little bit of this cayenne doppelganger but only a little bit… Delicious!

Then I turned to the trama root compote. Trama roots turned out to be stringy and thorny. Oh joy, these would be a hassle to prepare! A lot of pricked fingers, cursing and grumbling later the roots were peeled, cut and waiting in a pot. I added a bit of water and well compote should be sweet. So I added two spoons of honey and, going on an impish whim, I snitched two crystals of moon sugar and mixed them under the compote. Mean master would have hallucinations after eating that! So here was part one of my revenge for the needless death of Rasputin. Speaking of Rasputin…

I ate one kwama egg. Then I went outdoors with a bucket to fetch some water. I returned to the slave cages and hauled Rasputin out. Then I donned on some leather gloves and wiped up his sick. Just to be sure. I couldn't risk getting infected with sanguine vampiris. I poured the filthy water and fetched some fresh. Then I went to the task of washing a corpse. Not pretty, _so_ not pretty but it needed to be done. That's when I heard steps and Shannath Selthrie's shadow loomed over me. "What are you _doing_ there, girl?" he asked petulantly.

"I'm cleaning a corpse. You know preparations for the last rites." I answered in a similar how-dumb-can-one-mer-be tone.

"And then, you'd be grovelling to Arkay for hours on end? I think, I have a better idea." master replied.

"Okay, let's hear it!" I challenged.

"Go to Tamina Elenil, our village alchemist. Ask her for chaurus acid concentrate. Don't worry.I already paid in advance. In the meantime, _I_ will provide a great barrel. You put the n'wah in the barrel, pour the acid concentrate over it and add some water. Easy as that, no corpse, no case!" master Selthrie explained.

I stared at the old Telvanni wizard horrified. "That's not how a decent burial is done!" I spluttered.

"Look I don't want the whole township to know that yet another one of my 'charges' bit the dust! Shaglak won't sell me any more slaves if word of this gets out. Now be gone!" master Selthrie shouted. Shaking my head at such blatant callousness, I left the mushroom house. This guy had some nerves!

Outside, I met Slyboots again. It was screeching bloody murder, probably being hungry again. But I had to say: "Sorry pal, I've got to dissolve a corpse right now."

*SCREECH* And that probably meant: _Are you crazy? Such a waste of good meat!_ So, I continued on my way. Sera Elenil's shop was easy enough to find. It had a cauldron painted on the sign and flowerbeds were in front of her shop. I could see death knells and nightshade. Lovely! A poison-brewer lived here. I stepped through the circular door and immediately my nose was assaulted by a myriad of smells: bitter and heady, pungent and tender, rotten and crisp… I had to sneeze then. An aristocratic, middle aged Dunmer woman looked up from her herb-grinding at the alchemy lab. "Oh hello n'wah! Potions to bring you to the grave or raise you back from it." she advertised.

"Aaah no thank you. I just need to fetch the chaurus acid concentrate for master Selthrie." I said.

Sera Elenil chortled. "Dear me, has there been yet another casualty?"

I blushed and squirmed. "Well I'm not allowed to answer that." I mumbled. _Dear Arkay this is ridiculous!_ I ranted internally.

"Don't treat me like I'm stupid girl!" sera Elenil mildly scolded. "I can guess what happened, what always happens. Shannath buys two to three n'wah at every auction. Comes the next week, he does the shopping himself again. All the n'wah are dead by then."

 _Sweet Stendarr I just hope that my days on Nirn aren't numbered!_ I thought with a jolt of panic. Well I could always try a strike if master asked anything too dangerous of me. Sit down on the floor, cross my arms in front of my chest and sniffle like some spoiled brat. Yep, that would work _fantastically._ Sera Elenil's voice pulled me back from my reverie.

"Here's your acid. Don't spill it." She handed me two flagons with dark green contents and an X engraved in the glass. I gulped and tucked them away in a sack I had found. Then I remembered my finances and asked: "Do you need any help with something?" The later I had to get rid of Rasputin's mortal remains, the better.

Sera Elenil looked at me in surprise. "Well I might have an errand for you. Now where to begin? I've got some talent when it comes to potions but everyone needs a hobby, too. Mine is perfume-making. But I've already tried all the common smells like lavender, mint and apple blossom. Not much of a challenge anymore. Then I remembered my girlhood days back in Tel Mora. My mother had a perfume so heady and strong it always made me woozy. She only applied it on special occasions, for example her wedding anniversary or council meetings. But then, she talked nineteen to the dozen and everyone believed her every word! It was Telvanni bug musk, distilled from special bugs native to Vardenfell. The raw musk glands stink like the pits of Oblivion. But the refined fluid can work wonders on stubborn minds. I sent Shaglak the orc to Vardenfell for those glands. And he returned successfully. Would you be so kind and recover the bug musk for me? But don't inhale too deeply!"

"Shaglak you said?" I asked. "Actually I'm still freaking mad at the guy. But if it means so much to you, I'll run the errand." I said. Then I said my farewell and left the apothecary.

Shaglak's mushroom house was flanked by a cage and a mammoth skull. I could imagine what he used that cage for! Then I stepped through the door. Mr. Nasty called in his rough orcish voice: "I've got everything from weapons to sweet rolls! Take your pick." Then he recognized me and grumbled: "Oh, the talking n'wah. How are master Selthrie's experiments going?"

" _I_ am still fine. It's that vampire you should worry about. _If_ you are capable of such tender emotions like worry and pity that is." I just couldn't let it be. "Sera Elenil sent me to gather her bug musk glands."

"About time too!" Shaglak shouted. "The stink of that thing made my potted plants wilt. Here look at that, used to be a gorgeous dragon tongue orchid." He showed me a flower pot. While the earth was still moist, the orchid was shrivelled and wrinkled and had lost all its petals.

I couldn't hide my glee. I laughed Shaglak in the face and sneered: "A brute like you breeds _flowers_ for a hobby?!"

The orc bristled: "Why you…! *argh* Just pick up those glands. I dumped them in the cage outside. I won't share my house any longer with that trash, valuable as it may be. Oh no girl!" So I went outside and went into the cage. But there was no sign of any musk glands just a small heap of hay. I shuffled through that with my feet. Nope! Still no glands. Swearing to all the 16 daedric princes I entered Shaglak's store again. "I'm sorry but the glands are gone. Your cage is empty, apart from the hay."

Just as I had done before, Shaglak shouted some choice words in Orcish. Then he continued in the common tongue. "Those dratted mudcrabs must have stolen the glands. Oh sera Elenil will kill me if word of this gets out. Or she'll turn me into a swamp toad. Please look for the glands. You can't miss their stink."

I threw my hands up in the air. "Shaglak, there are nigh a dozen mudcrab colonies all over Sadrith Kegran! Oh fine, I'll do a search. There are certain house duties that I want to stall as long as possible. So a wild crab chase seems a good idea. Now have you heard any rumours?"

The orc grinned from tusk to tusk. "I heard there's a nuisance running around town asking a bunch of stupid questions." And he gave me an oh-so-pointed look. I squashed the near overwhelming urge to deck Shaglak. Rather I left the store in a huff. _Okay let's do this halfway systematically._ I thought. I kept left, walking back to master Selthrie's mushroom house. Speaking of master… I could hear a commotion nearby. And my master was causing said commotion. He ran along the street, face stricken with fear and anger, his beard bristling, his robe dirty. He shouted: "We're under attack! Cave trolls, there are cave trolls everywhere…" And he started to throw fireballs around in wild directions. So that was the outcome of my immature little prank: a Telvanni wizard on a skooma-induced rampage. Oh gods! What had I done?

But such behaviour called the Morag Tong on the plan. They had master Selthrie subdued pretty fast. The old Dunmer screeched: "But the cave trolls! I need to save…"

"The cave trolls only exist in your head s'wit! Now let me smell your breath. I have certain suspicions." the Morag Tong named Nysath said. "Unholy Mephala, it's a bit early for moon sugar, don't you think?"

"Moon sugar?! But I only had trama root compote for breakfast. Though now that you mention it, it _did_ taste weird." master Selthrie spluttered. I almost felt pity for the clearly confused mer, _almost._

But such a thing like pity didn't exist in the Morag Tong code of conduct. "Master Shannath Selthrie, you are hereby detained for a week on charges of being a hazard to the public. Let's drag him off to the catacombs folks." Nysath called pompously.

I waved an ironic goodbye to master Selthrie. He dug his heels in the ground but the guards dragged him along without mercy. He stumbled, fell and they even dragged him through the dirt. Lastly, I heard him yelling: "How dare you?! How dare you treat a respectable scientist like that?" I wanted to sing a million praises to Julianos and Stendarr! A whole week of lazy peace and quiet lay ahead of me. Well not entirely lazy… Those glands still needed to be found.

The search was long and tiring. I rummaged through many a mudcrab community and got to hear a cacophony of indignant squawks. But finally I got a whiff of *urgh*… _Meesa be getting sick!_ I thought. It smelled like wet dog _and_ Black Marsh skunk multiplied by a tenfold. No wonder the very aroma killed plant life! I oh-so-tenderly picked up the clay pot full of the unspeakable and made a beeline for sera Elenil's shop.

She looked up from her alchemy lab and said: "Oh the mission was a success. I omitted the 'stinky' part from Shaglak's directives. The scent of the raw musk glands is enough to scare away dragons but attracts cave trolls. Well Shaglak _did_ always want a mate. Poor lonesome orc among all us decent Telvanni people that he is." Sera Elenil wagged her head clearly amused.

I hastily handed the clay pot over to her. Now I needed a good long bath in one of those thermal springs. But first the reward! I stretched out my hand and coughed, hoping that sera Elenil would get the message. She drew up her eyebrows in puzzlement. Then the lights went on. "Oh you want your reward. Please come back tomorrow. I'll give you one of the perfume charges. Believe me it's worth more than money!"

I grumbled a disappointed "If you say so…" and left the store. _Great you'll get a full flagon of whore-diesel for all your troubles, Agrippina!_ I ranted silently. _(author's notes in between: whore-diesel that's what my boyfriend calls cheap perfume. A bit crass but accurate.)_ Then I went over to Sendu's and bought half a dog carcass. I dimly remembered that Slyboots was hungry. The burning bony thing was hanging around at the graveyard (of course) and nearly went mad with joy. *screech* _*screech*_ *SCREECH* I didn't let it wait and handed out the meat. Pets out-of-this-world: that's what I would miss about Sadrith Kegran if I ever regained my freedom. Well maybe the funky atmosphere, too.

Then I took my bath and this time I wasn't waylaid by malicious Morag Tong leaders. Evo Mils was probably busy with a certain verdict right now, concerning a certain Shannath Selthrie. I grinned and relaxed. "Splish, splash I was takin' a bath / long about Saturday night…" _Now where in Apokrypha had that line come from?_ I wondered. When I had rid myself of all ripe odours, I walked back to master Selthrie's house. And there was Rasputin stretched out on the floor, eyes now gently shut close. I really didn't want to violate his corpse in such a way. But it was strange: although my master was in jail for a week I still felt the need to fulfil his last order. _Must be that blasted necklace!_ I thought to myself.

So I poured the chaurus acid concentrate in the barrel, added some water and bent down to pick up Rasputin. "I'm sorry dude, believe me I really am." I whispered. Then I carefully lowered the corpse in the barrel until it was submerged in the acid. Immediately, the acid started to hiss and bubble. Wafts of acrid steam rose from the fluid. I had to cough and my eyes started to water. Good golly! This night I needed to sleep outdoors. I ransacked the larder to cook myself a late lunch. Then I shouldered my bedroll, left the house, locked the door and spread the bedroll out under a giant mushroom. Soon I was deep in dreamland.

* * *

 _Author's notes the second: Of course, Agrippina has never heard of rock 'n roll and Bobby Darrin. And master Selthrie being arrested for moon sugar abuse, that's my sense of humour. Cute devil horns poking through my forehead. Well the old jerk had it coming._


	9. Odd jobs

Author's notes: Hi folks! This is chapter 9 of my story „The trials and tribulations of Agrippina Valeria Tullius". The girl now has some free time on her hands. But that doesn't mean she'll be lazy, oh no. Just working for her own pocket for once. There are a lot of odd jobs in Project AHO after all.

disclaimer: I don't own Project AHO. That honour goes to Dimonoider and HAEM studios. I only own my OC. And some reviews would be nice. Come on; do I have to beg on my knees?!

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Odd jobs 

I woke with a start and a scared *eeep*. I had been dreaming of Rasputin's vengeful spirit trying to drain me. Nothing like nightmares to start the day, or whatever my inner clock said to me. I was in a cave after all. I waited until my breathing and heart-rate had returned to normal. Then I went for little girls over one of those steaming fissures in the ground. I imagined what the fires of the earth would do to my bodily wastes. *shudder* Okay, change of topic!

Sera Elenil, the local alchemist, had promised me a charge of this fabled Telvanni bug musk perfume. I could already see myself float around Sadrith Kegran with a detached expression and wafts of pink vapour following in my tow. Every Morag Tong on the streets, every _male_ Morag Tong that is, would swoon and almost trip over his feet to kiss my hand! _Okay Agrippina: daydreaming time is over!_ I scolded myself. I went back to the emperor parasol, picked up my bedroll and returned to Shannath's. Passing through the kitchen, I took the last apple from the larder. *crunch* Then I walked to the back room, tossed my bedroll in the cage and looked into the barrel out of curiosity. There was not a single trace anymore of Rasputin's body, just a badly corroded "amulet of suppression". I needed to ask sera Elenil if Sadrith Kegran had a hazmat removal team. I didn't want _that_ stuff in the house any longer than necessary. Then I remembered Yorik the skull. Grinning to myself, I gathered my money and went to the blacksmith.

"Serjo Rendo, do you have one of those ancient Nord helmets on stock, the ones with the antlers?" I asked the blacksmith.

Varen Rendo looked up from his tanning rack. "Aye, that makes 50 septims, no haggling allowed." I counted my money and looked at my toes bashfully.

"I'm 10 septims short." I mumbled.

The blacksmith sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Look I can give you credit n'wah. But don't keep me waiting. I'm not a patient creditor. Some say I'm even worse than that bothersome orc in Raven Rock."

I agreed to the conditions and paid my 40 septims. Varen Rendo vanished indoors and returned with an ancient Nord helmet. I put it on but the thing was definitely oversized. Suddenly feeling mischievous, I started to groan and grumble and staggered around Rendo's porch like a draugr after a nap of several millennia. The blacksmith laughed at my antics then he waved me off.

xxx

Master Shannath Selthrie didn't have such a good time. He was in the catacombs now and he'd been banging his fists raw on the inside of the hatch. Then he'd been chased by phantom cave trolls until the worst of his skooma frenzy had worn off. Now he was huddled on the ground, a candle light spell floating above him and he was rocking back and forth, back and forth. All around him, gnawed bones lay and the bodily wastes of his abandoned experiment. Aaah Slyboots, his masterpiece, his living weapon, one of a kind. Of course, the monster had mastered the inborn spells of burnt spriggans, like fireball or combustive shockwave. But master Selthrie had taught it new tricks, too. Slyboots had learned a truly wicked vampire spell: drain life.

The old Dunmer wizard had been so sure, _so damn sure_ that consul Verendas and Ever Milo were plotting against him. Because *argh* it didn't matter anymore. Yen! It was always Yen who had helped him over his darkest moments. Yen had spent hours talking him out of any pre-emptive strikes against their rulers. Yen who had convinced him, that everything was alright, that there was no conspiracy. So there had been no use for Slyboots anymore. The Morag Tong had locked it up like the monster it was. Now _he_ was in Slyboots' place! He wondered when he'd be crazed and famished enough to eat raw meat. But the Morag Tong, strict as they were, didn't let him starve. They handed down a bowl of bland wickwheat gruel and a waterskin every now and then.

xxx

I had returned to master Selthrie's house and put the ancient Nord helmet on Yorik's skull. Then I did a mock salute. I made a tour of the small mushroom, hid the torturing tools behind the bookshelf, tried my hand at a simple restore-health-potion. Then I left the house and went over to sera Elenil. She had already expected me. "Ah here you are! You will like this, girl. A sure way to make every boy drool over you." she said.

 _That's gonna be fun!_ my inner teenie cheered. Then sera Elenil handed me a finely crafted vial. I turned the top open and took a sniff. Oh Dibella! It was incredibly sweet and heady with a downright raunchy undercurrent. Those poor males in Sadrith Kegran would be walking around with bulging pants, the whole lot. Sera Elenil grinned from ear to pointy ear. "It's fantastic; don't you think so? Only to be applied dropwise!" she admonished with a raised index finger.

I hastily closed the stopper again because I was beginning to experience double vision. Thus sobered, I said: "Sera Elenil, could you send a hazmat removal team to master Selthrie's house? I don't know how to get rid of that barrel of acid."

Sera Elenil laughed. Then she said: "No need for a whole team. You just need something from the other end of the pH-scale. Let's see: acid is incredibly sour. So you need something very alkaline, like limestone – a lot of limestone. Throw that into the acid and it should turn to water. Well in theory…" _(Author's notes in between: I just hope I didn't make an ass out of myself right now. Chemistry was never my strong point in High School. All this "riddling" a substance by its formula was 90 % guesswork on my side and 10 % shouting on the teacher's side. Awful!)_

I stood in the hall like a clubbed calf and scratched my head. Then I almost wailed: "Sera Elenil, I'm not allowed to leave the cave yet. So obtaining these quantities of limestone is nigh on impossible. I'm afraid I still need the hazmat removal team."

Sera Elenil sighed: "Very well, I'll instruct some of the Morag Tong." Then I left the shop again. _Now shall I be goofing around with that perfume?_ I wondered but decided against it. Right now I didn't need a fellowship of smitten men. If husbands were among them I would be in big trouble of the jealous kind. Suddenly I remembered the Sadrith Kegran farmstead. That's where I would take my next trip. I needed to replenish master Selthrie's larder in any case. So I wove my way through begging mudcrabs, past practising warlocks until I came to a cave within the cave. I entered the dark yawning tunnel and soon I could hear the rattling, thumping and hissing of Dwemer machinery. The natural tunnel opened into a small stonework hall of typical Dwemer architecture.

On the left, there was a stone table covered in Dwemer spider-worker junk. Cogwheels, plating, soul gems, gears and gyros all strewn about in a mess. On the right, there was machinery behind a protective grid. I gathered the potion bottles and tried the Dwemer chest. But it was locked and I didn't have any lock-picks. Straight ahead was an elevator But the lever was fixed with a chain and lock. Now that was odd! Who would block an elevator in such a way? The only way to go for me was great bronze doors. I shoved them open and the hinges protested with an almighty *creeaak*. Then I stepped through the doors and… Oh Kynareth be praised! I stood on a stone balcony with a protective railing of small obelisks. And I was surrounded by a HUGE Dwemer dome. An artificial sun shone at its apex. The whole construction was big enough that freaking _birds_ soared through the air. A long way down under stood a small fir tree forest on rocky terrain. And netch were floating around, some grazing, some thrumming and one making his "little big netch poop". Eeww!

I descended a typical spiralling Dwemer ramp until I was on ground level. Up close, the place was even lovelier not counting the netch dung. I could see mountain flowers, thistles, butterflies, bees… *sigh* And apart from the netch there were other strange creatures. They were clearly reptilian, walked on strong hind legs, the forearms more suited for grabbing plant life and the heads were strangely over-proportioned ending in a heavy-set underbite maw. One of the creatures walked towards me, gently nudged me with the head, *arfed* and wagged its tail. "You wanna play tag?" I giggled.

(enthusiastic nodding and more bark-like sounds…)

"Okay, here I come!" I cheered and sprinted forwards. But boy that critter was fast! It ran a zig-zag course weaving through shrub and rocks. Soon I was on my knees wheezing and huffing. An elderly Dunmer woman was laughing at me. She had silver hair adorned by a circlet. She chuckled: "Oh n'wah; trying to catch a guar on foot? They don't respond to clucking your tongue. They don't obey to yelling and cursing. You've got to _whistle._ Like that…" She put two fingers in her mouth and whistle she did! I thought it could be heard all over the compound. I heard some rustling in the bushes and a small flock of six guars gathered.

"I am Selveni Andavel and these are our guars. Netch are imposing and all good and well. But you can't milk them and the meat is toxic. They're only good for tough hides and paralysis potions. Ghartok needs to be milked. Now come here sweetie!" the Dunmer woman said. She placed a hand on one of the guars. It was a small, wiry specimen and the scaly hide was covered in many, many dots that looked like tiny hand prints.

Sera Andavel led the female guar away and I followed unbidden. We passed through yet another set of bronze doors and up some stone-hewn stairs. Then we were on a bridge. Fishing rods were placed at the rim of it. Under me, a river gushed and disappeared in a Dwemer gutter. Sera Andavel took a bucket from somewhere and started to milk Ghartok. Zip, zap, zul the bucket is almost full… In the meantime, I looked around the farm. It _was_ a nice spot. Fields full of grain and vegetables, beehives and a butter keg. And then I spotted Tadys Andavel.

xxx

In his murky jail, Shannath Selthrie woke up from uneasy dreams. He could have sworn he'd heard something. There! In one of the niches was a big patch of darkness, darker than the surrounding murk. Master Selthrie cast a mage light spell in the rough direction. The ball of light illuminated a young male Dunmer. He was dressed in light chitin armour and had a squid helmet tucked under his arm. He sat cross-legged on a stone table. His face was young and smooth, a ginger moustache over the mouth, a matching Mohawk haircut on the head. Scarlett eyes snapped open. "Hi dad!" he said in a boyish voice.

Master Selthrie was hit by a mother-load of memories. Christening the tiny bundle in his arms Imloth, Imloth Selthrie of great house Telvanni. Imloth's first tries at levitating ending in utter havoc and a screeching mistress Selthrie, Imloth going to school in Sadrith Mora, the bitter knowledge that the boy would be better suited as a shadowblade never able to reach the finer points of all magic schools, Imloth volunteering to join the expedition and the most painful memory in the end: Imloth curled up in a ball, frozen stiff in some undergrowth because he'd lost his way in one of those feared blizzards of The Pale.

Master Selthrie gawked slack-jawed. Then he croaked: "But you're dead! Not that I'm complaining about the company, still…" The elder Selthrie waved his hands about helplessly.

Imloth shrugged. "Dead, alive? _You_ of all people should know that us Dunmer don't draw a firm line between Mundus and the Great Beyond. If you ever feel like it pay me a visit up there. Always two hand spans east of the morning star."

"But how...?" master Selthrie asked.

Selthrie the younger fixed him with a hard look. "You know how, you know full well." he said.

"The AHO?" master Selthrie asked. "Yen won't like this, Yen won't like this one bit."

Imloth chuckled. It sounded somewhat strange. "Or are you afraid of heights old man? Then let me quote 'Honoured Vivec we thank you for your daring. I shall not shy away from danger or heed careful counsels for luck favours the bold.' Now does that ring a bell?"

Master Selthrie shouted in mock outrage: "Me afraid of heights?! I'll show you, you insolent skrib!" He bent forward to tug Imloth on the tuft of hair as he'd often done when being particularly aggravated by the kid. But this time, Shannath's hand closed around thin air and the vision of Imloth dissolved in icy mist and ashes. Master Selthrie's anguished screams and sobs made the netch on the surface shy.

xxx

Tadys Andavel greeted me, not overly cordial (He was nowhere near crushing me in a bear hug.) but did a simple kotau. "Thank you for restoring peace under our mushroom house, Agrippina." he said.

"Oh it was nothing, just Slyboots needing to be fed." I replied modestly.

Serjo Andavel shuddered and went light grey. "Urgh, that freak of nature!" he grumbled. Then he suddenly looked embarrassed, shuffling his booted feet. "Could you help me one more time girl? I lost a ring, an intended gift for my precious Selveni. The ring dropped in our haystack. Maybe you could rifle through that _discreetly._ The ring was supposed to a surprise for our 200th wedding anniversary."

I looked at the haystack with a wary eye. Then I had made up my mind. "Okay, I'll do it. The hay stack isn't too big, just one bale." I squatted down, grabbed an armful of hay and searched it, then the next and the next, _and_ the next and so on. After an hour I was feeling pretty much frustration. I had combed through all the hay but the ring just wasn't there! Now where could it be? My train of thought led me to unpleasant metaphorical pits. Hay was used for fodder; the netch ate it; the guars ate it and then they had to poop. So that ring was probably stuck in… _No Agrippina, don't say it. Don't even think it. *argh* The reward better be good!_ I grumbled to myself. Sighing, I borrowed a pitch fork and shovel and went to search the dung heaps.

After half an hour, I had found the ring in a still steaming pile of netch droppings. Ugh that smell! I shortly wondered if I should apply a drop of Tamina's famous perfume but decided against it. I wanted Tadys to stay true to his wife. Apart from the stench, the ring was a true beauty, gold with a flawless sapphire surrounded by tiny rubies. I returned the gardening tools, went up to serjo Andavel and whispered in his pointed ear: "Found the ring! It was stuck in a pile of netch droppings, hence the stench. Here you are." I passed the jewellery on.

"Thank you so much, Agrippina! Now follow me into the farmhouse where I have the kitty." the Dunmer farmer said. I did so. The Sadrith Kegran farmhouse was nothing special. It had an oven, a hearth, large food stocks and drinking stocks, a bed and… Excuse me?! A roasted corpse on the shelf? _Revolting Namira, were these guys cannibals?_ I shortly wondered. But serjo Andavel could put my mind at ease. "Don't worry; that was just a stupid accident. Our last n'wah had been cooking with bear fat and probably been using too much heat. So he took water to extinguish the flames. Water! On burning fat! Of course, the mess exploded unto him and he was rolling on the floor screaming and wailing. When we reached the house, Nordur was already beyond salvation. Didn't have time to bury him yet. The harvest comes first. So, here are your coins." Serjo Andavel handed me a purse as calmly as if he hadn't just told a grisly tale. The purse felt heavy. "And here's a bonus for troubles of the netch dung kind." With these words, he handed me a bottle of kram bam bula.

I grinned from ear to ear. "Wow thank you! I'll drink to your health tonight." I said.

Serjo Andavel wagged his head and his crimson eyes sparkled. "Well better start drinking from thimbles. That stuff's as mean as a kagouti in heat."

"Aww come on! I'm already sixteen." I whined pathetically.

Serjo Andavel shrugged: "The hangover shall be on your head then. But don't go complaining that I didn't warn you."

I bought some food stocks, said my farewell and left the farmhouse and the whole wonderfully ordinary location. Back in Sadrith Kegran I paid my debts to serjo Rendo. The blacksmith was at the workbench enforcing a fur armour with studs and mail.

At the plaza with the rounded stone sculpture I met Ever Milo. He seemed to be deep in thought and only acknowledged me after my third greeting. "Ah, you're the n'wah who spared Slyboots' unholy life!" he said. I might have a job for you."

"Then let's hear it. I could always need money." I said.

Serjo Milo looked at me with piercing eyes. "Probably to buy your freedom back as fast as possible." he grumbled. "No don't deny it! Well I won't pay you money but I could teach you a spell as a reward. Are you still interested?"

 _The bastard!_ Of course I didn't voice that thought. My face fell. Then I sighed: "Okay, I'll still do it. But that spell better be awesome!"

Ever Milo said: "Look n'wah I've got three scrolls here. They were penned down by my grandfather. Grandpa died before he could explain the spells. They have still unknown qualities and effects. Now I need someone dumb – err I mean _bold_ enough to try them."

I ground my teeth and chose to ignore serjo Milo's slip of tongue. Then I said: "Well hand me the first scroll please." I received it, unfolded it, stumbled over complicated deadric syllables and made grandiose hand movements. _Agrippina you must look so stupid right now!_ I thought morosely. But it must have worked because I felt a rush of magic and…

Consul Ever Milo uttered a little shriek unbecoming of his station, but a mer's gotta be surprised now and then. The n'wah had just vanished into thin air. Serjo Milo cast a detect-life-spell and couldn't see a thing. So the girl didn't just turn invisible, she vanished from Mundus altogether. Master Selthrie would be furious when he was released from jail!

I yelped as well. What the fuck had just happened? The air was suddenly filled with ashes and scorching hot. I stood on a street and no consul Milo anywhere. Fires were raging everywhere. I stumbled around totally confused. "Hello, can anyone hear me?" I shouted but didn't get a reply. Then I noticed the cage. Shaglak's mushroom house, holy crap I was in Sadrith Kegran! I ran towards the burning mushroom and it smelled like BBQ champignon. Then I came to a screeching halt. A badly burnt corpse was kneeling on the street. The face had become unrecognizable but I could see a pair of tusks in the gaping mouth. I gulped. Okay, Shaglak had been an arse but even _he_ didn't deserve such a death. Then, this grisly inferno-reality was yanked to the left.

…And I found myself back on the plaza. I coughed the smoke out of my lungs. Then I shouted: "Holy mother Mara! What did that scroll do to me?"

Consul Milo looked clearly alarmed. "I only know that you've been gone for maybe 2 minutes. 'Gone' as in _left Mundus completely._ "

"I've been in Sadrith Kegran but the whole town was a lifeless inferno. Fires were raging everywhere and… I've seen Shaglak burnt to a crisp. The tusks were the only thing still recognizable." I told the Dunmer.

Consul Milo looked positively stricken now. "Then, you must have seen the future, a future that hopefully never comes to pass. Did you see the culprit? Villages don't just burst up in flames for no reason."

"I…I don't know; my stay there was blissfully short." I stuttered.

Consul Milo put his fingers together. Then he asked: "Are you ready to go on? I've still got two scrolls waiting for a test subject."

I waved the wizard off. "Give me a minute to catch my breath and compose myself." I said. I shook myself like a wet dog. Should I tell Shaglak? But even _I_ wasn't that vengeful. Maybe everything went fine and I didn't want to make to make the horses shy for no reason.

Suitably calmed, I said: "Okay consul Milo. You can give me the second scroll now." The Dunmer gave me the rolled-up parchment. Reciting that put several knots in my tongue, or so it seemed. And the described hand motions were like a dance of butterflies. I felt the rush of magic and my body went rigid as a board. I toppled over and felt petrified like a fossil wamasu in oil slate I had once seen in the Imperial City's museum of natural history. After a few seconds, feeling returned to my limbs and body. I clambered to my feet and said: " _That_ was only slightly less unpleasant than the first scroll. Only for protocol's sake…"

Consul Milo however looked positively intrigued. "Your skin seemed to turn to stone. So without the paralysis nonsense this would be a good defence spell. And here's scroll number three."

"Here we go again!" I grumbled. I unrolled the parchment and did all the necessary mumbo-jumbo. Wow! My vision turned blue and the world around me took on a pace of maple syrup. Everything happened in slow-mo. A patrolling Morag Tong seemed to be dancing a grotesque ballet suddenly. Consul Milo's bony hand and index finger crept up like a slug. He asked something, the sounds garbled and unintelligible. Then, my vision turned red and things went back to normal speed.

"Agrippina, are you alright?" consul Milo asked with an ever-so-slight tone of worry in his voice. So the guy _did_ care after all.

"Yeah I'm just a bit dizzy. I experienced something weird right now. Time didn't come to a full stop but everything happened in slow motion for a short while. And my vision turned blue!" I reported to the wizard.

"A way to control time if only for a short while? Grandpa was a genius! I'll try to remember the spell and write it down in a spell book. You'll get one volume of the first edition. I think I'll call it 'Time Break'. Now excuse me I've got work to do. How was that spell again? 'Fe, fi, fo, fum / I smell the blood of a Nord man…' No, that wasn't right." consul Milo mumbled and had already forgotten me.

Giggling, I went back to master Selthrie's. Time to call it a day!

xxx

Master Selthrie in his murky, dank jail had all sorts of other 'supernatural experiences'. But Imloth didn't appear again. It was just other people from his Morrowind past: his mentor Divayth Fyr, rivals like lord Neloth, random house khajit and house argonians (the latter all long dead and gone!)… Detention in darkness tends to scramble _every_ mind after some time. Sometimes master Selthrie _knew_ he was hallucinating, sometimes not. Then, the large dusty shroud of forgetfulness spread over his mind. _I only hope I can find my way back home on my own. Dang, I_ need _that tea!_ Such were his thoughts. After a small eternity, the hatch was opened and a Morag Tong stuck her head down the shaft. "Hey old man the week passed! You're free to go now. Please be careful with moon sugar from now on." she said.

"Thank the Tribunal it's over! Now I've had some unsettling acquaintances down there girl. But what era do we have?" master Selthrie gushed.

"Are you kidding me master Selthrie?" the Morag Tong asked flabbergasted.

"I wish I were, you s'wit!" master Selthrie shouted suddenly incensed. "Feels like the late third era to me but I can never be sure as of late." he grumbled more subdued.

"We're in the _fourth_ era for crying out loud! The year's 201, Sun's Height 30." the Morag Tong girl replied. Master Selthrie made a slapped-with-a-dead-fish face again. Then he climbed up the ladder and collapsed flat on his face on Well Plaza. The Morag Tong wanted to help him up but master Selthrie shook her hand off, cursing to the four corners and back again. Groaning, he clambered back to his feet and the Morag Tong did a double take. Master Selthrie reeked like a rotting troll carcass! His beard was speckled with bits and clumps of spilt wickwheat gruel. His green robe was stained and wrinkled and he had a not-wholly-there expression on his face. In other words: shabby to the utmost.

He stumbled around Sadrith Kegran like a bum, then undressed and bathed in one of the hot springs. He fell asleep in the shallow water. Unbeknownst to master Selthrie, a certain Khajit lurked in the shadows of an emperor parasol. And said Khajit hastily put a paw over his eyes and mewed: "Oooh Ra'zhirra will go blind if he gawks any longer. Former master really has no shame!"

* * *

Author's notes the second: Again, I made a few changes. Concerning farm life in Sadrith Kegran: in the game, there _are_ no guar on the farm or anywhere else in the village. _But_ there's a butter keg, so there must be milk. I didn't see any cows in Project AHO either. And I highly doubt that netch have something akin to an udder. So imagining a flock of half a dozen guar makes sense to me

Master Selthrie's spiritual encounter of the sad kind is also my imagination. In Project AHO there's absolutely no reference that the old wizard was a father. But I had a certain acting scene in mind, a really eerie and heartbreaking moment in the sci-fi series "The 100". In this post-apocalyptic series, there's really no shortage of horror and heartbreak - be warned! Well I had this scene in mind, where Thiloneus something, elder council member is the last man standing on that desolate space station, the Ark. He's slowly suffocating when he hears a little baby bawling somewhere. And after a frantic search, he finds the toddler stashed away in a wardrobe. Well to make a long story short: that babe is the spirit of Thiloneus' son. And said spirit urges Thiloneus to keep going, to escape this tight spot, to live a life somewhere down on earth. That being said, I think it explains why Shannath Selthrie is so eager to shoot himself into outer space.


	10. Erudite beverage that tastes like crap

author's notes: Hi folks! This is another chapter of „The trials and tribulations of Agrippina Valeria Tullius" for you. Again, I'll take some minor liberties that differ from the game. This chapter is about master Selthrie and his beloved tea - not canis root but equally foul. In the last chapter, I've let my imagination run wild with the quest "The lady's ring". I never actually managed to complete that one.

Yesterday, I've been on a trip to Switzerland. I've seen Zurich, its zoo and the big Rhine cascade at Schaffhausen. I'm painting a biiig picture of the latter.

disclaimer: I don't own Project AHO. That honour goes to Dimonoider and HAEM studios. I only own my OC.

* * *

An erudite beverage that tastes like crap

The week of blessed loneliness was over. Master Selthrie would be released today. I had had a busy week. I had talked Bralys Sendu out of "flooding" his daughter with daggers. Poor Aryni had complained to me that her old man gifted her with nothing but daggers. No pets, no flowers, no sweet meats… But iron daggers, steel daggers, elven daggers… Daggers by the score! I had a hard time convincing the guy that enough was enough. "Hey serjo Sendu." I said. "Your daughter wants other affections than weapons. _One_ dagger of decent quality is enough. She doesn't need a whole fucking armoury." I believe he got the message in the end.

And I did other jobs as well. Consul Milo gave me that spell book he promised me. Just as I was taking a pleasure stroll around Sadrith Kegran a furry paw tapped me on the shoulder. "Ra'zhirra greets you." said Sadrith Kegran's prime rumour-monger.

I dug in my pocket and gave 20 septims to the Khajit. "What's the latest gossip?" I asked him.

"Ra'zhirra has seen that former master was released from jail. He smelled like a bum and behaved like one. Master Selthrie is one sick Dunmer. He will need his tea urgently." Ra'zhirra told me.

"What sort of tea?" I asked the Khajit.

"Ra'zhirra is not sure. He only knows that the stuff stinks like a troll." Ra'zhirra answered.

Well that didn't make things any clearer. I thanked Ra'zhirra and said my good-bye. Then I all but ran back to master Selthrie's mushroom house. The old wizard was already there exchanging his dirty robe for a clean one. Then he turned around and barked. "Ah there you are girl! I need my tea to help me focus and remember. It's enlightenment in liquid form. That stay in jail went on my substance. Go brew it."

"A fine morning to you, too master Selthrie. What sort of tea would you like? Camilla, peppermint, rosehip, apple…?" I asked.

"Apple tea?! Do I look like a Redguard or Khajit to you?" master Selthrie exploded. Then he continued more calmly: "Oh just go to Tamina. She knows the recipe and can fill you in." Then he sat down at the kitchen table and ate a roll with scrib jelly. I rolled my eyes and left the house. I walked across Sadrith Kegran and was greeted by many Morag Tong. Helping random people out for a week had made me popular. Then I entered sera Elenil's dwelling/workshop. The Dunmer alchemist noticed me immediately and greeted: "Hi Agrippina! Did you already use my perfume?"

"No muthsera. The Sadrith Kegran culture fund is woefully short of balls or opera performances. So I didn't have the opportunity yet. I'm here for official reasons. Master Selthrie was released from jail a short while ago. Now he's bossing me around again, wants me to brew his special tea. But I don't know the ingredients!" I told the alchemist.

Sera Elenil winced. "Oh that grisly swill he calls tea. I've got the recipe somewhere." She started to rifle through a pile of papers. "Ah there it is. Here you are." she said and handed a parchment over to me.

I read the list. Uuuh-huh. Two bees, five jasbay grapes, one thistle, one…What the fuck?! I thought I couldn't believe my eyes. I cleared my throat. Then I asked the alchemist: "Fly aminata as in 'little red toadstool with white dots'?"

"Yep" sera Elenil confirmed.

"But this shroom is poisonous!" I exclaimed.

The alchemist huffed in frustration. "And so I keep telling master Selthrie! It's not 'enlightenment' he experiences, rather intoxication. But he never believes me. I'm just the alchemist after all; and he is the amateur." she mocked.

"So where do I find all these herbs and insects and shrooms and stuff?" I asked.

"Jasbay grapes grow underfoot all around Sadrith Kegran. The rest of the ingredients can be found in the farm dome." the alchemist told me.

I thanked the alchemist and said my farewell. Poor Tamina, she didn't have it easy with a patient like master Selthrie. Again I had my work cut out for me. I walked back to master Selthrie's, ate my breakfast and borrowed a flower basket. First the jasbay grapes… I plucked five of them from the ground. Then I paid the Sadrith Kegran farmstead another visit. Thistle? Check! Fly aminata? Check! The bees would be the trickiest ingredients to acquire. I saw one gathering pollen on a mountain flower. I wrapped my hand in the cloth of my dress and struck hard. Gotcha! Now another one. I repeated my sneak attack but this bee did have time to get its stinger out. Ooowwwie! Ow, ow, ow! Already, a painful swelling started to form on my fingers.

I searched for the Andavels on the large compound. Finally I found Tadys checking the feet of a guar. "Excuse me serjo Andavel!" I called. "Could you give me some ice wraith fang powder? I got stung by a bee."

"Oh dear, this _does_ look nasty!" Tadys Andavel called compassionately. Then he went to the farmhouse and returned with a blue-ish powder. He lathered my bad finger in the stuff and wrapped a handkerchief around it. Ah, sweet relief! Thus treated, I returned to master Selthrie's.

Master Selthrie noticed my bandaged finger immediately. "What's this?" he asked.

"I got stung by one of those bees." I confessed. _Couldn't the old codger let it rest?!_ I thought bitterly. No, obviously he couldn't.

"Got stung by a bee! Ow!" master Selthrie cruelly mimicked in a falsetto voice. Then his tone returned to its normal gruffy self. "Seriously how clumsy can one n'wah be?"

"I'll cook the tea now." I ground out with icy dignity. Master Selthrie retired to his room. I filled the kettle with water and hung it over the fireplace. When it started to whistle, I removed it from the fire, opened the lid and dropped the ingredients in: shrooms, grapes, bees, thistles and all. I waited some five minutes. Then I poured a cup and called: "Master Selthrie, tea is ready!"

He returned from his study and grumbled: "About time!" Then he took a sip and spit it out immediately. The rest of the liquid he splashed right in my poor surprised face. Have you ever been poured with scalding tea? Let me tell you it's not a pleasant sensation. "This isn't my favourite tea, this is disgusting! Absolutely revolting! Try again." the old Telvanni shouted.

I counted on three in my head. _Someday, I swear I'll_ strangle _him in his sleep! No, wait Agrippina; you can't do this. The slave necklace forbids you to._ My inner angel and inner devil squabbled. Aloud and with the tones of sainted patience I said: "I did it _exactly_ as sera Elenil's recipe told me: two bees, five jasbay grapes, a thistle and a fly aminata."

Master Selthrie visibly deflated. Of course he didn't apologize for his tantrum. A Telvanni mage lord _never_ apologizes – period. "Well try adding two spoons full of honey and stir." he grumbled. Sighing I went to the larder and took out the honey pot. One spoon, two spoons, stir – easy as that. Then I poured another cup of tea for the jerk. I handed the cup to my master. He drank and I was rewarded with a rare smile.

"There, that wasn't so hard. It tastes exactly as it should. I will empty the whole kettle by and by. You may go now and take the rest of the day off." he said and waved me away. I grumbled a "By your leave, master" and left the mushroom house. I went my way to the council hall. Before the thrones, I gave a short bow to consul Milo and consul Verendas. Then I walked over to the bookshelf and pulled out "The homilies of Lady Almalexia". Some light reading for in-between; especially that fable about Lord Vivec, the shalk beetle and the kagouti always put a smile on my face. Then my thoughtful look went to the empty chess board. I could pass some time collecting all the pieces all across Sadrith Kegran. It would be a great excuse to intrude on people's private spheres. I went to consul Verendas' bedroom first. I spotted two Dwemer chess pieces on her shelf. There were different types of Dwemer chess pieces: warrior, spider, ballistae and of course the queen. In this case, I dropped a tiny guardian sphere and an equally tiny spider worker in my sack.

Then I tried to open the door of the Morag Tong agency once again. And again, the Morag Tong on duty told me. "It's locked for a reason n'wah!"

"Well how are your office hours?" I asked the Morag Tong a bit peeved.

"It's during ghost hour every night, orgy on Fredas. But the orgies are for members only." the Morag Tong replied crisply.

"Orgies?!" I shouted. _Oh sweet mother Mara, these guys were_ SICK!

"Well apart from schemes and murder out of base reasons, Mephala is also the mistress of sex. Now don't you dare give me a 'little-miss-prude'-sermon, n'wah!" the Morag Tong threatened.

"So there is _some_ truth to 'A less rude song'." I remarked innocently. "Are you into cliff racers, lizards or cats?" Ooops, that was way too bold! I *eeped*, turned tail and ran some rounds around the stem of Tel And with a furious Morag Tong chasing after me. He shouted foul words in Dunmeris but luckily he didn't catch me. I sprinted back up and out of the door to the Sadrith Kegran cave.

Next, I turned to Shaglak's trade post. I went through his door and turned to the orc. "Hi Shaglak! Do you have any pieces of Dwemer chess in your house? If so, would you please donate them? I want to return the chess board in the council hall to its former glory."

The orc trader bared his fangs in an ill-formed smile and grumbled: "Here they are. That makes 20 septims each."

"Hey, that's against the very definition of 'donation'!" I protested. "What about this: I have a still untouched bottle of kram bam bula. We could share it one night and get drunk to Oblivion. When was the last time you were hung over?" I asked.

"Hah, think you can hold your liquor?" Shaglak challenged.

"Yep I do! Master Selthrie is busy with his ghastly tea today. At first I couldn't get the recipe straight and was punished with bodily tea abuse. Then…" I began to tell an epic story.

"Stop it n'wah! My ears are already bleeding. Why Shannath didn't remove your tongue is beyond me. What does he need a talking n'wah for? Probably to yap us all to death. Just catch your breath and leave." the orc snarled charming as ever.

With bruised dignity I left Shaglak's trade house. I continued my Dwemer chess piece collecting tour through Sadrith Kegran. 32 pieces that were dusting away on shelves and tables, in cupboards and barrels. Midnabi was quite friendly, Varen Rendo was being his usual gruff, busy self. Tamina Elenil was distracted by a blood-stained fox tail and grumbled: "Oh Bralys, when I said that I'd like to have a fox for my tests… I meant a _whole_ fox and still alive. Ugh blasted stinking tail of a flea catcher!" I winced in sympathy. It seemed that serjo Sendu didn't see the perks of live animals.

After my visit to Tamina I went to "Chitin & flin". Dalos was trying for a bard again. This time, I could make out the words: "Our hero, our hero claims a warrior's heeaart…" The khajit waitress puffed up her tail and flattened her ears to her head. Poor woman! Dalos' attempts at singing were modest at best. Nothing like Malukah, a junior bard I had met at the Solitude Bard Academy once. It took me a while to find Dalos' chess pieces but when I did I sacked them all the same.

Then I returned to Shannath's and that's where things went weird, like really, really, _really_ weird. Now I knew what sera Elenil had meant with 'intoxication'. Master Selthrie bolted through the house like a dervish on skooma. He was fumbling with a Dwemer cube here, furiously scribbling on a scrap of paper there and turning his safe over at least six times! Then a large wet spot formed around the crotch of his robe. _Oh by the Nine…I mean the Eight!_ I gathered all my courage and grabbed him by the shoulder. He whirled around and his hands lit up with the crackling of shock magic. I called: "Whoa there, it's just me your lowly n'wah! Please calm down master."

Master Selthrie's pupils were shrunk to the size of pinpricks. He was sweating like a poor Nord in Black Marsh. "Calm down?!" he screeched. "When I've still got this much work to do before hitting the bucket? Rejoice: we need to pay the ruins of Bkhalzarf a visit. _I_ get all the loot and _you_ get all the work, ha-ha. No seriously: you need to find three books, namely 'Fellowship of the Temple', 'Holidays on the Iliac Bay' aaand 'Mara's Tear'. Maybe we'll find some hibernating snow elves too, who knows?"

 _Oh Stendarr! Was my ruthless, grumpy master developing a sense of humour here?_ But there still was the matter of my precious security. I couldn't go dungeon delving in a fancy turquoise dress! So I asked innocently: "Are these the same books that consul Verendas is expecting for _five years_ now? And I need better gear when I'm about to go dungeon delving. Plus… Now how to tell you tactfully? Have you inspected your pants lately? No? Then I'd advise you to do so, master."

Master Selthrie looked at me clearly puzzled. "What does this whole expedition have to do with my pants?" Then he felt around his nether regions. His ears were drooping and he went dark grey on the cheeks. "Oh!" he shouted obviously mortified. He grabbed me by the collar of my dress and yanked me within kissing distance. "Now listen here, n'wah! If you dare breathe one word about this, I'm going to put a paralysis spell on you. Then I'm gonna flay your skin one strip at a time. Did I make myself clear?"

I shuddered. That was no idle threat; that much was sure. So I replied: "Yes, my lips are sealed. But I wonder whether it was that funny tea or old age catching up?" *SLAP*

"Ouch!" I yelped putting my fingers to a future bruise. Okay I've had that one coming… Master Selthrie disappeared behind his paper screen to change his clothes and remove all evidence of his little mishap. But I still needed to put some things clear. "I still need combat gear. How are the chances of me getting my imperial armour back?" I asked.

Master Selthrie snorted at that. "About the same chances of an icicle in Red Mountain, girl. Consul Verendas has your imperial battle gear under lock and key. And she's quite cross with me at the moment. I wouldn't dare bother her with such trivialities now." the wizard told me.

"But I can't engage a Dwemer spider or – Divines save me – a centurion in a dress!" I practically whined.

Master Selthrie re-emerged from behind the paper screen grumbling Dunmeri swear words. "That's why I'll buy you a set of light chitin armour and an elven sword. Now really, the impatient youths of this era!" he complained.

So the master left for the smithy and returned after half an hour with his arms full of cuirass, pauldrons, greaves, sword and stuff. He dropped everything in my cage and said: "Here you are. I hope that this fits. It cost me an outraging amount of septims."

Master left and I had a change of clothes. Then I girded my new blade and followed master Selthrie. He had taken his "staff of icy rage" and several potions in his backpack. We left the house and I started skipping along the road and sang off-key.

"We're off to see the wizard / the wonderful wizard of Oz. / Because, because, because, becaaauuuse of the wonderful things he does…"

Then I got smacked on the head by a certain grumpy Telvanni wizard. "Quit your shenanigans!" he grumbled. _Just drop dead you spoil-sport!_ Of course, I couldn't voice that thought. After a short while we came to a crumbling spiral staircase that led down a deep dark shaft. Master Selthrie re-adjusted the range of my necklace so I could keep up with him. And we ventured down into the dark unknown.

* * *

Author's notes the second: In the mod, there's no way for you to get master Selthrie to like that tea. He even spits it at your feet after your second try. I changed that because I felt it unsatisfactory. In the next chapter, Agrippina and master Selthrie will explore the halls of the Dwemer city Bkhalzarf.


	11. Hallowed halls of the dank kind

author's note: Hi folks! I'll bring another chapter of „The trials and tribulations of Agrippina Valeria Tullius" to you. Finally it's adventure time! So Agrippina and her foul-tempered master venture into the halls of Bkhalzarf. Please be kind and write reviews.

disclaimer: I don't own Project AHO. That honour goes to Dimonoider and HAEM studios.

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Hallowed halls of the dank kind

At the end of the spiral staircase we were definitely in a Dwemer ruin. Their ancient stonework was unique and famous throughout Morrowind and Skyrim. We entered some sort of subterranean canal. There was a waterway in front of us driving several cogwheels and turbines. Gridded light panels were set into the ceiling. And the place had rich vegetation. Roots were creeping along the floor; suppulus-like plants nearby, little trumpet-like mushrooms on the walls and moss and lichen everywhere. I asked master Selthrie: "How come that it's so tangled with weeds down here?"

Master Selthrie groaned and said: "That didn't take you long… The rich vegetation grows because it's so damp down here. All that water's got to come from somewhere. You can see it in the canal. Some of those weeds and shrooms have been planted here on purpose by us Telvanni. Sera Elenil can tell you more about that topic. Others have grown themselves. Now please follow me. We take the right turn. And don't fall back! If you get lost down here, you'll probably starve. Eating age-old alchemical ingredients is not an option."

So we turned right and climbed up a stair. On this stair we had our first hostile encounter. Those were freaking skeletons assaulting us with Dwemer bows and peculiar swords! Master Selthrie and me, we had to save our hides. Master used his staff of icy rage. I hacked and stabbed with my elven blade. After all the skeletons were dead once more I bent down to take a closer look at one of those strange swords. The blade was composite, not wholly forged of Dwemer metal. The edges were hewn from some strange blue-white, crystal-like stuff which seemed pretty durable. They were stuck into the Dwemer metal centrepiece. _Maybe this blade is better than yours, Agrippina?_ I mused. Well it was worth a try. I took the Dwemer blade in my left hand, the elven blade in my right hand and whacked them together as hard as I could. *CLANG!* And indeed the elven blade was found to be notched on inspection; while the Dwemer blade didn't have so much as a scratch. _Hereby, I formally apologize to all of you Altmer master smiths with a superiority complex._ I thought before throwing the elven blade away.

Then I heard my master cough and saw him tapping his foot at the top of the stairs. "You know, if you stand there any longer you might become encrusted with lichen." he sneered.

I rolled my eyes and hollered: "Coming master Selthrie!" Then I climbed the stairs behind him. We continued through stone-hewn corridors where master Selthrie warned me of trigger plates. But I missed one and stepped right on it. Immediately we were swarmed by a small platoon of Dwemer spiders that had lain hidden in their hatches. I *eeped* and master Selthrie came to my aid but he called me a bumbling klutz afterwards. "Just for the records: there are five triggers that I sidestepped." I talked back. Master harrumphed and kept walking. Then we came to a very noisy hall. Oh dear Julianos! _What an overgrown doohickey!_ I stood there rooted and completely awestruck. These Dwemer had really liked constructing BIG. A bridge was spanned over the width of the hall. It hung on thigh-mighty chains. Beneath the bridge was a segmented metal dome and the segments turned clockwise and counter-clockwise with dizzying speed. _Agrippina you sure as Coldharbour don't want to stumble here and get your leg between THESE gears…_ I thought and shuddered. Up on the ceiling was the other part of this gigantic doodah consisting of huge turning cogwheels. An arrow whizzed past my head and I pressed myself flat against the corridor wall. _Okay daydreaming in a still protected Dwemer ruin is NOT recommended…_

At the other end of the bridge lurked two skeletons. One had the bow and the other one seemed unarmed. But then it activated a shoulder-mounted flame thrower! I let master Selthrie decide that fight. He was the Dunmer with the long range spells after all. As we walked on he lectured me about the knowledge, might and glory of the Dwemer. A certain thought formed in my head and I voiced it. "But master… If the Dwemer were so incredibly advanced why did they go extinct? I mean they were even said to be telepathic!"

Master Selthrie wagged his head from side to side and his eye shone in what I had come to recognize as Dunmer mirth. "Oh Agrippina, the best scholars of the last two thousand years have been wracking their brains on that topic and still they've come to no certain, provable explanation. The most popular theory is the tale of Kagrenac's let's say 'indiscretions' and unlimited ambition. He was the Dwemer's chief engineer and he constructed a colossal animunculus and called it Numidium. Also went by the description of 'Walking Brass God'. What was even more questionable; he wanted to transplant Lorkhan's Heart to this monstrosity. At that point in history some powers that be decided that enough was enough. The Dwemer were bereft of their swindled immortality and the whole race turned to dust in an instant." I let master Selthrie catch a much needed breath. That was quite the story!

I snorted and giggled. "That's the sort of cock-and-bull-story that Gor Felim aka Marobar Sul would spread." I jeered.

Master Selthrie chuckled, too. "Yes a sound amount of doubt is valid." Then he grew serious. "Do you have a better theory?"

 _Busted!_ I grunted inwardly. Well the old man _did_ enjoy seeing me squirm. How was I going to answer _that_? _Okay Agrippina, use your ample supply of imagination._ The cogs in my head went on overdrive. Then I snapped a finger and said: "Maybe the Dwemer were so fed up with the comparatively primitive rest of Nirn that they… Yeah, why not? They built an air-tight vessel and flew off into the Void never to be seen again. I swear to my mother's grave that's what has happened."

I half expected a condescending "Don't be ridiculous n'wah!". Or even a drawn-out "Suuure…" But master Selthrie gasped and looked at me as if I'd grown a second head. He stumbled and had to hold on to one of those massive chains for support. At last, he croaked: "Are you some sort of augur? You're not supposed to know about the AHO."

"The heck what?!" I squawked. Now master was being downright mysterious.

Master Selthrie's face went dark grey on the cheeks, the Dunmer equivalent of blushing. "Aaah n-nothing. I've ha-had too much of that tea." he stuttered. _Not convincing old man!_ Thatwas my inner verdict. But I decided to be kind and let him off the hook. Who knew what this guy was able to do if cornered too tight?

"Well then, let's move on." I suggested. And so we went on. I emptied the Dwemer chests that were not locked: money, trinkets, potions and… "Master, these ingredients must be ancient!" I called excitedly. "They're so dusty, withered and – eww - rancid. These shrivelled things are Falmer ears of the First Era I suppose. And what's that grease in the bowl? Well it's definitely mouldy."

Master Selthrie tapped his foot and held up an admonishing index finger. "Don't test anything yourself, n'wah!" he warned. "I don't want to haul your puking sorry carcass back to Tamina. If you want to know the effects of dry-aged…ah whatever, ask _her._ "

I did a mock salute and shouted "Sir, yes sir!" Master Selthrie rolled his one organic eye and beckoned me on. Then we stepped into an elevator and master pulled the lever. *rattle-rattle* When the elevator had stopped he made a dramatic gesture and called: "Ladies and gentlemer, we're on the second basement floor, also known as 'The Aetherium Abyss'. Please don't fret about the countless Dwemer spider automatons. They're non-hostile. Yen and me were spooked to the Deadlands until we had understood that." Master Selthrie winked with his crimson eye and let me take a look around. Oh Julianos' buttocks! This place was spectacular.

We were in a huge cavern. The ground was covered with a lawn of glowing mushrooms. In a great trough of stonework stood a large blue crystal taking the place of a potted plant. I walked towards it and "Ooohed" in wonder. "Master what kind of mineral is that?" I asked.

"That, my little pet human, is aetherium, the substance of the gods. The word is derived from 'Aetherius', the great beyond. It contains incredible, but hard-to-access power. It's the source of the splendid wealth of Bkhalzarf. Wars were waged for that stuff. It made whole new scales and types of animunculi possible! Bkhalzarf contains one of the largest deposits in all of Tamriel. There are still tons and tons of aetherium down here." the old Dunmer lectured happily.

"Uuuh-huh. We still need to talk about the 'little pet human'-part. But what you describe sounds awesome. I should have brought a hammer and chisel." I replied.

Shannath Selthrie scoffed. "Hah, hammer and chisel… Wait until you see the oversized mining equipment the Dwemer built here. It's the great-grandfather of all the drills on Nirn. The thing must weigh as much as Baar Dau – almost." Now he was officially exaggerating! But I followed him down the road. Yes the Dwemer had built a pawed road down here. I walked to a kind of banister and had a good look to a terrific panorama. Deep down below us, a yawning pit stretched down and down, and down. At the bottom shone a hoard of huge aetherium crystals. At the roadside, Dwemer shelves and stools were placed. And a skeleton lay on the ground. It still wore an amulet of suppression. So it was a former slave of Sadrith Kegran. Poor sod; he had died down here of sheer exhaustion! I read the hastily scribbled note. His last troubled thoughts had been of the Dwemer spiders, as it seemed. I said a short prayer to Arkay for the skeleton.

Then I followed master Selthrie amazed at the amount of knick-knacks that the Dwemer had left behind: scrolls, tableware, those funny Dwemer cubes, soul gems, metal ingots, weapons… I took one of the cubes and presented it to my master. The cube was made of Dwemer metal but it wasn't massive by any means. The walls of the cube were broken with a jigsaw pattern and a green glow shone in its depths.

"Master, what's this thing?" I asked.

Master Selthrie heaved a sigh and grumbled: "Girl if you want a historical essay every 10 steps or so, we'll never reach the Great Hexagon Library. All right, fine! That's a sealed melody cube."

"?" I furrowed my brow and scratched my head.

"It's a means to write spell books for one." Master Selthrie shouted. "Now can we please get going?" _Really I don't know why the hurry all of a sudden. Must be one of his spiels Agrippina._ I thought to myself. So we walked ever downward, through squat arches, past huge Dwemer urns and with busy Dwemer spiders weaving in and out between our legs. They were kind of adorable. The skeleton guards? Not so much. We must have slain a dozen on our way down.

I gazed up and almost got a kink in my neck but it was well worth the trouble. Pistons were working overhead and the pipes were spewing flames at regular intervals. Then I looked into the abyss. There was a monstrous circular array, akin to a rail. And from that rail dangled a looong chain. At the end of said chain indeed hung the great-grandfather of all the drills on Nirn. Master hadn't been kidding. Speaking of my master… The old jerk called out to me. "Don't fall down! I still need you for the menial labour."

I shot him an aggravated look and screeched. "Well it feels great to be thus cherished! I'll come of age in two years' time. So don't chide me at every instant."

Then a hatch opened and a Dwemer sphere guardian rolled out to inquire what the fucking matter was. Oops! I swung my new blade and turned the thing into junk. Then I bent down to loot the scrap heap. I pocketed a filled common soul gem, a casket of viscous Dwemer oil and a garnet. Oh Sanguine's privates! Master Selthrie was *ahem*ing again and tapping his foot.

I jogged down after him. We came past a door on the left side. I pointed to the door and asked: "What's in there master Selthrie?"

At first, I was met with a long-suffering groan. Then, master said quite testily: "That's Mzinchtamz Tower. It's… Well a _certain someone_ doesn't want any more warnings. *shrug* All I can say is this: enter at own risk! And don't enter _now_ for Azura's sake!"

And we were again going down the road till we came to a dim plaza. It was surrounded by Dwemer arches and shelves full of – knick-knacks again. The only light on the plaza came from an aetherium crystal shining on the plaza's centre. Again, we were waylaid by a bunch of skeleton guards. These things sucked! I hacked my sword into old bones that the dead may rest once more. After the fight, I took a look around. There was one feature of that plaza that caught my eyes. Under one of these arches a horizontal grid stuck out over the abyss. It was a funny setup. Was the aetherium "brought to port" here? Or was it the favourite spot of suicidal Dwemer once? Who knew…

Master Selthrie tapped me on the shoulder. "We've reached our destination, n'wah. The Great Hexagon Library is behind that door up yonder." He pointed to the stairs that led away from the plaza.

"Well we shouldn't keep old Herma Mora waiting then!" I cracked a joke. Master Selthrie deigned me with a wry chuckle and climbed the stairs. I went after him like an obedient little slave.

* * *

author's notes the second: I hope I didn't bore you all to death with my lengthy descriptions of Bkhalzarf. But it's such an awesome dungeon, especially the "spheres of uncertain conditions" and the big steam organ! I'll get to _that_ later on however.


	12. Little Apokrypha

author's notes: Hi folks! Here's chapter 12 of Agrippina's story. The poor girl has to look for three books in a library of several thousand books and scrolls! And of course master Selthrie, being the bastard he is, doesn't lift one single finger to help her. Oh dear! They are short on food stocks, too. There will also be a featuring of general Tullius and legate Rikke. Please write reviews!

disclaimer: I don't own Project AHO. That honour goes to Dimonoider and HAEM studios.

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Little Apokrypha

We had stepped through a portal and descended a spiral staircase. At the bottom, master Selthrie pressed a button on the wall. An ornate grid vanished into the ground. Behind it lay… Oh golly! So _that_ was the Great Hexagon Library. I gawked then I whistled. _'Great'_ was an understatement. I was deigned to give the facility the nickname "little Apokrypha". The first reading room was vast. In the middle stood a big, circular table buckling under heaps and mounds of literature. And all the walls were covered in lockable bookshelves. There must have been thousands of books and scrolls stored here. And that was only the first room! The size of the whole library almost made me dizzy. Dozens and dozens of Dwemer spider workers bustled in all directions, filing books and scrolls, dusting shelves, taking care of the lamps…

I watched one of the Dwemer spiders more closely. It held a copy of "The arrowshot woman" in a slot on its back and scratched its gyro with a leg. I could almost see a little think bubble appear over the gyro. _"Should I file this under f like 'fun stuff' or h like 'horker dung'? Please help me with input."_ The little fellow seemed to say. So cute, but I digress.

Master Selthrie tapped me on the shoulder and totally ruined my sightseeing with: "Ho girl, you've still got work to do! Some nagging… *err* esteemed citizens of Sadrith Kegran want three books: 'Fellowship of the temple' was ordered by serjo Milo. 'Holidays on the Iliac Bay' was ordered by sera Elenil and ' Mara's Tear' was ordered by… Midnabi? No, that can't be right. Damn, who was it again?" Master Selthrie scratched his shaved head in confusion.

I rolled my eyes and said: "For Herma Mora's sake, just give me the list master!"

Master Selthrie looked at me like Shadowmare – just not that fast. "I wrote a list?" he asked.

I did another eye roll and sighed: "Yes you did, master. Can we _please_ get this over with? I need to find three volumes in a stock of several thousand. I might need _weeks._ "

Master Selthrie grumbled: "Well that would be…bad. I only brought food stocks for about two days. But what does every teacher say? 'No laurels without dedication.'" Then he gave me the list.

So Marisa Verendas was the mysterious last quest giver. I started my search right here in the first room. I sat down at the reading table and took the still readable books. Other volumes were so ancient and brittle that they just crumbled under my fingers. Whoops! Then I asked myself: _Seriously, how many volumes of this King Edward are there? And where's the first volume?_ And then I stumbled upon a book with the bland title "The banker's bet". But the story was anything but bland, rather bawdy and naughty. I chuckled and *eeped* shortly afterwards. Master Selthrie had grabbed my left ear and gave it a disciplinary yank. "Reading naughty pulp fiction now, are we? What did I tell you to do?" he snarled.

For the umpteenth time I wished that I could just murder the old bastard in his sleep. But I couldn't because of this dratted slave necklace. "Master I was just taking a break!" I ground out between clenched teeth. "There must be thousands of writings down here. Care to give me a hand?"

Master Selthrie didn't reply to that. Rather, he seated himself at the reading table, unwrapped his venison burger and started to eat it. Bits of the sauce dropped on almost priceless books. Now it was my turn to get mad. I grabbed the old jerk by a pointed ear and pulled.

"How dare you?!" he screeched.

"How dare _you!_ " I talked back. "I'll give you an F in table manners. Now look at what you've done. What would them old Dwemer say?"

At least master Selthrie had the decency to look sheepish. He rubbed a ketchup stain from a book cover with his robe. I turned to the bookcases and tugged at the handle but of course the thing was locked. So I returned to the reading table and finally found "Fellowship of the temple".

xxx

A very exhausted and very dusty legate Rikke had returned to Castle Dour. She really didn't look forward to telling "her" general how poor her state of knowledge was. So she went to her personal quarters at first, washed her face and combed her hair. Then she entered the general's office. He sat brooding over a letter and grumbled: "Damn emissary Elenwen! Why does she want to know the exact number of paper baskets in Castle Dour?"

Legate Rikke chuckled from the doorframe. "Maybe she thinks that you're not busy enough, sir."

General Tullius' head shot up. "Legate Rikke! Good that you returned. I've got more pressing matters in mind than paper baskets. Speaking of which… What did you find out?"

Legate Rikke sighed and shuffled her feet. "Well sir, the results of my nosing around in Windhelm are downright disappointing. I went to the "New Gnisis Club", the local Dunmer hole-in-the-wall. I even talked to a seasoned Morag Tong. But he doesn't think that any of his colleagues are dealing with slave trade. That's the domain of the Camonna Tong, he says."

General Tullius slumped in his chair and cursed: "Damn it all to Oblivion! Did this *ahem* service man say anything else?"

Legate Rikke shrugged her shoulders. "He told me of strange Dunmer visiting Windhelm every now and again, Dunmer who still invoke the Tribunal's names. But that was about all. Sorry sir!" she apologized.

General Tullius sighed and rubbed his face. "I'm sure you did your very best – as always. You're dismissed, legate. I'll call it a day as well. I'm going to get me an aged bottle of Stros M'Kai rum and drown in it. Maybe this Manarion fellow will keep me company? Where ever Agrippina is now, I hope she's halfway happy and still a virgin."

Legate Rikke really felt sorry for her CO in this moment. She went to her camp bed as well.

xxx

About the "happy" part… Well I was still exploring the Great Hexagon Library. Two books were yet to be found. I walked through the corridors and heard the constant clicking and scuttling of Dwemer spiders. Then I came into the second hall and my amazement was lifted to a whole new level. Merciful Julianos! I stared at an array of rotating metal spheres of various sizes. In the centre sat the largest, a sphere of gold. Then a slightly smaller sphere of silver and another yet smaller of polished corundrum. No kidding: the Dwemer had built a planetarium in their library! I ran back to master Selthrie and shouted excitedly: "Master there's a planetarium down here! There are only two others of this kind. One at the Arcane University in the Imperial City…"

"And the other one on Stros M'Kai. Yes I know; no need to break your neck over it." master Selthrie interrupted me. He was rubbing his eye and yawning. Oops! It seemed like I had woken him from a nap. Master waved me away and grumbled something along the lines of: "Blasted excitable n'wah!"

I went back to the planetarium room and tried to focus on the books. After a few hours' search, I had found "Holidays on the Iliac Bay", "Mara's Tear" and even an illustrated edition of "The mirror". Captain Aldis would be most pleased. Then I gulped because I remembered my current state and status. _If_ I could cast away the yoke of slavery and return to Solitude that is… I still had to earn myself a ridiculous amount of septims. In the third reading room, I found a strange apparatus. I opened a drawer made of Dwemer metal and found a decent stack of paper sheets. I closed the drawer again, inspected the rest of the machine and scratched my head. _What purpose does it have, Agrippina?_ I wondered.

There were two slots on the top of the thingus: one square, the other hexagonal. _"This square slot is about the size of a Dwemer sealed melody cube."_ I said to myself. I dug around in my sack, took my cube and put it in the slot. The machine beeped, a green light flashed and the cube slid down. Then I took the filled common soul gem from my sack, put it in the hexagon slot and waited. Suddenly, a siren was blaring, a red light flashed and the machine spit the cube out again. Oops! Wrong object, it seemed. I hurried to take the soul gem out again. Then I inspected the slot more closely. Aaah yes; it was meant to hold a filled _great_ soul gem which I didn't have at the moment. But I would come back later if I had the time.

Master Selthrie must have heard the machine's complaint because he came running to the room. "What are you doing _now,_ stupid girl?" he asked. "Have you made the spell tome typewriter kaput?"

I rolled my eyes for the umpteenth time that day. Then I answered: "No master, I hope the machine is still in working order. It just didn't agree with my common soul gem; that's all. But I found all the necessary books. Now what might be beyond that door?" I asked.

Master Selthrie pinched the bridge of his nose. "That's the entrance to the Dwemer repository, that is to say their bank. But that's a story for another day. Would you please return to Sadrith Kegran now and hand those books over? I've still got *err* _business_ down here." he said.

The way that master emphasized "business" was downright suspicious. But I chose to let the matter rest. I held out a hand and said: "I'd like to have my snack now, master Selthrie."

The old Dunmer sighed and tossed me a bottle of sujama and a filled roll of - *sniff-sniff* scuttle? Well I didn't really want to know. I had never tasted the infamous beetle cheese of Morrowind and wasn't looking forward to the experience. I put the food in my sack and walked back to the entrance of the Great Hexagon Library. Time to call it a day.

xxx

Back in Solitude, Corpulus the landlord stood in the Winking Skeever and shook his head in wonder. It was one a. m. in the morning but that wasn't the reason for his stupefaction. Rather it was the sight before him. At a corner table, the regular Altmer veteran was slumped and snoring with his head resting on a half-empty plate. So far, so annoying. But tonight, he was accompanied by none other than general Tullius. The normally prim and proper military governor of Skyrim had ordered a bottle of seasoned Stros M'Kai rum, at least 10 years old. Then he had emptied that bottle all on his own and now was also slumped over the table but not lying in some food. The general's arm was draped over the Altmer veteran. General Tullius and Manarion would have splitting headaches in the morning. Strange fraternization aside, Corpulus wondered what had driven the man to get so utterly tanked. Something was definitely _not_ right. Then he remembered the general's missing daughter. Oh dear, oh dear! Maybe he should give the priests at the temple of the Eight Divines an anonymous tip? Yes, that's what he would do. A good pledge had never done any harm, quite the contrary…

In the ensuing awkward talks, it would be revealed that one of the clergy also was quite devoted to Stros M'Kai rum.

* * *

Author's notes the second: If you search the temple of the Eight Divines thoroughly, you will find a whole crate of Stros M'Kai rum under a bed. Or was it in Bolgeir Bear-Claw's quarters in the Blue Palace? *scratching my head in confusion* Nah that was the giant club.


	13. Of buddies and prowlers

author's notes: Hi folks! In this chapter, Agrippina will meet Yen-Ilu fort he first time face to face. And she'll experience her first combat against a prowler. These are nasty, mechanical brutes, a variety of the Dwemer centurion from vanilla Skyrim. So lots of action compared to the previous chapter. Please write reviews.

disclaimer: I don't own Project AHO, Dimonoider and HAEM studios do. I only own my OC Agrippina. *sniff*

* * *

Of buddies and prowlers – or "He who seeks for trouble…"

I had left the Great Hexagon Library and returned to the aetherium-illuminated plaza. Again I searched the Dwemer shelves and put some _very_ suspicious age-old ingredients in my sack. Master Selthrie was right: I'd better let that stuff get tested by sera Elenil. Suddenly I heard a voice call out: "Hey you there, girl! What are you pocketing right now?"

I whirled around and my eyes fell on the most awesome Dunmer so far. He was much younger than master, his black hair was shaved bald on one side of his head and he was a funky cyborg, too. But he had taken his experiments a bit farther than master Selthrie. It wasn't just the shiny, eerie eye implant, he also had an artificial right arm and several implants in his temple. He wore an armoured version of Telvanni robes and several potion bottles and Dwemer knick-knacks dangled from his belt. "Well?" he asked more kindly.

"I uh… I'm Agrippina, master Selthrie's new n'wah. My full name is Agrippina Valeria Tullius. And I'm pocketing some age-old alchemical ingredients for further examination. But that's not on master's orders. I want to have sera Elenil test the stuff." I told the new Dunmer.

He rubbed his chin in thought and his beard made scratchy sounds. Then he said: "Forgive me for being so rude but I thought you were a mercenary or reckless adventurer. I'm Yen-Ilu by the way. I and Shannath are – _were_ old colleagues and friends. But Shannath forgot all sense of propriety and respect long ago. Your case is proof of that. Tullius, that's a famous name. Your old man, I mean the general, he's the Imperial military governor in Skyrim, isn't he?"

I nodded warily and said: "Yes he is. I tried to tell master Selthrie but he didn't give a shit. Said I was never to talk about my past again. So I shut up. Dad will be furious once that word gets out."

Yen-Ilu scowled now but he wasn't angry at _me._ "Oh Shannath, you Tribunal-blasted fool! Sadrith Kegran exists with gracious leeway and goodwill of the Empire, and the Empire alone. Officially, our community is a 'long-term research mission'. So Shannath has been biting the proverbial hand that feeds us. Now I'll have to write an apology. Gee thanks, old man! I'm against slavery by the way. The citizens of Sadrith Kegran had better do work themselves." he grumbled.

I smiled and wanted to tell this Yen-Ilu guy that I approved of his mindset. But two things ruined our moment. One: master Selthrie came running down the stairs in quite a hurry. Two: an incredibly loud alarm bell had started to ring somewhere. As soon as master Selthrie saw the company I was in, he stopped dead in his tracks. His expression turned from frightened to furious. "What are _you_ doing here Yen? Probably messing around with my n'wah and my research. But did you take a moment to visit me when I was in jail? Oh no, you didn't!" And he continued in a stream of childish name-calling.

Yen-Ilu rolled his eye and muttered "Here we go again…" under his breath. Audibly, he continued: "Shannath, as much as I'd _love_ to tell you why I didn't visit you in jail _or_ discuss the rights to Bkhalzarf's spoils with you… Now is not a convenient moment. Thanks to you doing some unholy mischief again (!) we're about to be attacked."

Sadly, master Ilu was right. The clicking and rattling of a small squad of animunculi came closer and closer. I drew my ancient Dwemer blade and made myself ready. Those spider workers could be turned to junk with a few well-aimed strikes. You only had to be careful with the electrified ones. They had the nasty habit of exploding in a shower of lightning after their demise. The guardian spheres were even harder to break down. But a halfway decent blades-woman as me and two experienced wizards made short work of all these nuisances.

We were catching our breaths and about to cheer to our luck. But the security protocol of Bkhalzarf wasn't done with us yet. I heard a loud *STOMP*, *STOMP*, *STOMP* and the very floor shook in time with the noise. What the fuck?! Now that was Murphy's law at its worst. The sight that came into view made my blood run cold. Holy Julianos! So this was the masterpiece of Dwemer engineering. A huge, hulking animunculus that made the standard centurion look cuddly and petite. The thing had a round head, massive arms and legs and orange lights were glowing here and there. One "hand" was formed like three-bladed claw. The other was a built-in flame thrower. I gulped and joked: "Guys I'd love to see the blue-print of this babe."

Master Selthrie was wailing: "Oh Sotha Sil, not again! No, no, no…"

And Yen-Ilu growled: "Looks like daddy's come out to give us the spanking of an era. Ready yourselves." That being said, the contraption roared like a pissed-off cave bear and charged. I guess I've never been so quick on my feet as in that moment. Dragons? Pretty scary, but this machine was a nemesis in its own right. I *eeped* and turned tail, the blaze of a fire stream literally _hot_ on my tracks.

Once I sidestepped the behemoth and tried to beat a dent in its hull with my sword. But it only made a loud and otherwise ineffective *clang*. I jumped back just as the prowler tried to club me with its blade-mounted arm. _(author's notes in between: No offense Dimonoider but that name is debatable. "Prowler" now seriously? With prowling, I associate grace and stealth like of a sabre cat. This boss monster's got none of either attributes.)_ Master Selthrie wasn't so lucky.

His staff went out of charges at the worst possible moment. One moment it was still spewing blizzards then it fizzled out. And before master could say "Oooh shit!" in Dunmeris he got whacked by the prowler and was sent flying. Master Selthrie landed with a sickening thud on that suspicious grid. I winced. _Oh man, that's gotta hurt!_ I thought. Yen-Ilu shouted: "Shannath, hang on! I'm coming."

And _I_ found myself in the wonderful position of having to distract several tons of bolt and raw mindless fury. Which I managed by throwing a cannonade of debris at the behemoth. A glorious staccato of *clang*s rumbled through the hallowed halls of Bkhalzarf. The prowler turned round and gave chase. I eeped again and dove for cover under one of those Dwemer arches.

Meanwhile Yen-Ilu dragged master Selthrie to the safety of solid ground. The old jerk looked pretty much roughed up. He coughed and spit some blood. Yen-Ilu pressed a potion of strong healing to his lips and said: "Here, drink Shannath. You'll feel better soon." Master Selthrie swallowed the potion and tried to get back on his feet. But his legs kept buckling beneath him. After the third try he gave up and stayed put. As touching as this was, I was in some serious shit.

The prowler had hit "my" Dwemer arch with an overhead cleaving strike. So I had to dash out of my makeshift shelter lest I be crushed under several tons of debris. _When in need of a demolition man ask your local Dwemer prowler!_ Ok enough with the bad jokes. I managed to dodge the monstrosity yet again but a swipe of the three-bladed "hand" had me a few curls of hair short. I called out to Yen-Ilu: "Hey, care to give me a hand Yen-Ilu? This thing's still dead set on turning me into mashed potatoes."

Yen-Ilu looked from me to my master and back again. Then he made up his mind, jumped to his feet and cast a gods-almighty lightning spell at the prowler. *FUZZ-Z* I could see the sparks run across the hull of the thing. Yen-Ilu must have hit something important because several lights on the prowler's surface exploded as if overloaded. Again it ROARED but the flame-thrower-arm went limp and hung down at the prowler's side. I cheered and called out to Yen: "Finally there's some progress! Do you still have enough magicka for another lightning spell of this calibre?"

He nodded curtly and charged his hands up again. Then he held the spell and shouted: "Step aside Agrippina. I don't want you to be caught in the friendly fire of _this_ incantation." I went into hiding behind the aetherium crystal of all places, the dumbest choice I ever made. Because when this raw power, enough to fry a hagraven to KFC-standard instantly, hit the prowler… Well there had been an unintentional chain-lightning-effect. The electricity went rampant in the prowler's cogs and gears. And the rest of said electricity jumped over to the aetherium crystal and then to me. I shrieked! Stendarr's mercy, OW, owie-ouch. That _hurt!_ The aetherium must have given the current the last bit of *oomph*. My body snapped ramrod straight and gods my hair… I really didn't want to look in a mirror now. Then I fainted.

My next sensual impression was that of a horrid stench. I sneezed and came to again. A very worried Yen-Ilu was stooped over me and held a pot of _something_ under my nose, so the fight must have been over. _Great guesswork Hieronymus Lex!_ So I bit down on that question and asked the next best. My voice was still a bit shaky. "Hi there master Ilu! What in Dibella's name is that stuff?"

Yen-Ilu looked royally relieved. He answered: "That's an old emergency recipe of mine: viscous Dwemer oil and fresh frostbite spider venom. Only to be applied by inhalation! Develops enough stink to wake the dead. Well in your case it worked. The prowler's done for, thank Sotha Sil! It went down with an almighty clamour."

Then we were interrupted by master Selthrie's snide voice. "Yen stop pampering my n'wah! She'll be fine: she's a bay mare of a girl. It's _me_ who could need a hand."

Yen-Ilu made a face and grumbled: "Some things never change. Oh no, _you're_ doing fine Shannath. When you're complaining you're still having one heck of a good time. Get up and return to Sadrith Kegran. Wait for me at the entrance to the Abyss. I still need to discuss some _things_ with Agrippina."

Master Selthrie's angry reply was a low blow, even by his standards: "So you're on first name basis now? What next? Be warned though, I won't raise a little Yen-Ilu junior. I'd stick that filthy half-breed…"

"WILL YOU GIVE IT A REST?! NOW LEAVE!" the normally mild-mannered Yen-Ilu shouted at the top of his voice. That worked. My slandering master shut up in mid-tirade, clambered to his feet and all but ran uphill. I laughed until I turned beet-red in the face. Yen-Ilu sighed and said: "Normally I'm stoic as a Psijic monk. But Shannath has a way of getting under my skin – always. As if I couldn't show more restraint than a dog in heat. Preposterous! Now to you. Do you still have any energy left?"

I shrugged and said: "Dunno master Yen-Ilu."

Master Yen-Ilu gave me a wry smile. "Hmn… An honest answer. I'd ask nothing short of a bank heist of you. Now before you give me an outraged sermon, let me explain first. It would be a bank heist down here in Bkhalzarf. So no one, save the animunculi, would mind. I've got the secret repository code written down somewhere." He rummaged around in his backpack a while. "Aaah found it!" he cheered and handed me a slip of paper.

There were just four numbers written down: 2, 4, 1, 8. Master Yen-Ilu continued his explanation: "With this code you can open a great many safes in the main Bkhalzarf repository. I'm only interested in the ancient blueprints, books and such. You can keep all the rest as well-earned reward for being Shannath's punching bag. I'd like to prove to you that not all Telvanni are selfish bastards. So please bring these documents to _me_ and not to the old jerk."

I was silent for a few moments and pondered this. Then I snapped my fingers. I had made a decision. I said: "Ok I'll help you. But I need some more information. How does this Dwemer code lock work? And what are you two eggheads involved in? This has got to be something big."

Master Yen-Ilu put his mechanical hand over his heart and mock-pouted: "Eggheads, now please?! Where did you learn such a nasty expression? Certainly not in great house Telvanni. Anyhow the Dwemer code lock works like this: on the first floor of the Repository, you'll find a cubistic array with lots of buttons and a control panel in front of it. Or behind it if you come up the stairs. I've got a nagging feeling that Shannath the senile dabbled with this device though he didn't know the code. That set the bells ringing. I hope you'll be wiser. The control panel has Imperial ciphers written on it so you should feel familiar. Press II, IV, I, VIII and the rest of the panel should unlock. Now I've got the transcript of the Dwemer alphabet somewhere in my backpack. Could be handy. The individual safes are sealed with one letter each. Again, I only need the blueprints, folios and other writings. You can keep all the other riches if you like."

I digested the instructions for a while. Then I asked: "And what's this all about, this fabulous AHO? What does it stand for?"

Yen-Ilu chuckled: "Ah insistent to the point of pigheadedness. That's a fine trait for house Telvanni. But I digress. AHO stands for 'aetherium hyperspace observatory'. You know the 12 zodiacs of Nirn, do you? Mage, thief, warrior, atronach, apprentice, ritual, lord, lady, lover, steed, snake and so on… We people of the later days can only do stargazing by looking with our naked eyes or through a very large spy glass called a telescope. But the Dwemer here in Bkhalzarf built a vast spherical vessel meant to carry them up among the stars, through the Void without causing any harm to them."

I spluttered and stuttered: "But w-what a-about the Dread Father and his darling Night Mother? Won't they be furious?"

Master Ilu shrugged and continued: "The Dwemer disappeared before they could launch the AHO, so no harm done _yet._ The AHO is docked in the Sadrith Kegran mycelium beneath the Dwemer farm. That's where I live by the way, in case you need to find me. Yes, I happen to live in the only known Dwemer spaceship, fancy place. I've got a room-sized bathtub, my own distillery, a holograph projector… That's why I kept the elevator locked all this time. I don't trust the likes of Shannath near the AHO. Just imagine; he threatened to flood my ventilation system with corprus spores. Corprus!"

I shuddered and went pale as a sheet. While rifling through the library at the Bard's College in Solitude I had also come across an ancient faded medical journal with very life-like illustrations. Bad luck had willed that I put my thumb on the letter C like… corprus. I had stared at the pictures in shock. Then I had slammed the tome shut and emptied my breakfast in a bucket. And I'd had nightmares for a fortnight after that _enlightenment._

"I knew my master was touched in the head somehow…after he wanted to play snakes and ladders on a chess board. But _that?_ That's abhorrent, unspeakable!" I shouted.

Master Ilu nodded gravely: "That it is, indeed. The sad thing is: I wouldn't put it past Shannath to commit genocide. I can show you that menace of a letter later. For now we must part ways. I have to keep an eye on my old mentor lest he do something…rash and drastic. And you've got a bank to rob. Good luck to you Agrippina!" With that he left.

I walked over to the fallen prowler. Yep that bastard had had its final blackout. The impact of the downfall had made a piece of the hull come loose. I yanked at the junk and threw it away. Then I bent down to loot the machinery. Aaah there was the much needed filled great soul gem, a flawless ruby and…two cores. Huh? One being the red standard centurion core, the other was much bigger and sparkling blue. I pocketed both. Now the behemoth couldn't get started again. Then I rose again and dusted my hands. As master Yen-Ilu had said: I had a bank to rob.

xxx

Some days later in Solitude… General Tullius uttered an audible groan. He'd had an awful week. Thanks to this busybody Corpulus, he had a very awkward "talk" with the priest and priestress at the Temple of the Eight Divines, this Altmer veteran now high-fived him whenever he came to the Winking Skeever (Seriously, what had he been telling this guy?), the Stormcloaks got ever bolder… And now a courier was pestering the soldiers on guard duty at the castle gate. He waved a letter about and shouted: "To general Valerian Tullius, military governor of Skyrim? This bears the seal of Great House Telvanni, very strange…"

General Tullius called out: "That would be me, good man. I assume the sender already paid you? Yes? Good, now hand that letter over please." General Tullius took the rolled parchment and entered Castle Dour to go to his quarters. He fumbled with the seal absentmindedly. The courier had been right: it showed the curls and dots of the crest of Great House Telvanni. Acquaintances with this faction of Dunmer was a _dubious_ pleasure let's say. Of all the Great Houses of Morrowind, the Empire had best gotten along with the Hlaalu. But those guys had sadly been disgraced. General Tullius shook himself clear of such musings, broke the seal and unrolled the letter. It read:

 _Esteemed General Tullius,_

 _we haven't met in person yet and I'd like it to keep that way. Our ties to the Empire are loose at best. Maybe your superiors didn't fill you in as it's quite a delicate matter. But there exists a Telvanni settlement within the boundaries of Skyrim. I can't – and won't – tell you more. Suffice to say that we are officially listed as 'long-term research mission' covered up by the Empire. Some weeks ago, a member of our community came into possession of a certain Agrippina Valeria Tullius. Slavery is still legal in our community. But the identity of the girl was only confirmed in the last days. General Tullius, I deeply and sincerely apologize. Agrippina is fine save a few mental scars – and still a virgin. Her 'buyer' is an old Dunmer with the usual problems. I will do all within my power to restore her freedom. To insure neutrality but also for Agrippina's sake. She is a smart girl, your daughter._

 _Penned down with qualms_

 _Yen-Ilu, scholar in Dwemer matters (former master of Tel Anur)_

General Tullius buried his face in his hands and took a few excited gasps. He didn't dare to trust his luck already. If this letter was a fake he was in for a bitter disappointment. Maybe this was Elenwen's twisted idea of a late New Life joke? He wanted legate Rikke's opinion first. So he folded the letter and went in search of his second-in-command. He found her in the armoury counting blades. He cleared his throat and said: "Legate, a moment please. I need your opinion on this letter. It bore the seal of Great House Telvanni. Here you are."

Legate Rikke gently accepted the letter and read it. After she was done, she whistled in an impressed way. Then she said: "Sir, given this is genuine; that would be unusually straightforward and decent for a Dunmer. And it would be wonderful news for you as a father. Maybe we should just wait and see what happens… And enlist the castle's soul healer in advance. Slavery under House Telvanni! *shudder* That sure as Oblivion is no piece of cake."

General Tullius ran a hand through his short-cropped greying hair. Then he made a face and said: "Thank you for your judgement legate. If…when Agrippina returns and can confirm this (He pointed to the letter.) his grace Titus Mede II will have _some_ explaining to do."

Legate Rikke snorted and replied: "Don't bother general. He'll just deny anything we throw at him. I know rulers." That being said, they both retired for the noon break.

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Author's notes the second: Phew that was that! Yen-Ilu writing a letter to general Tullius on his own accord: that was my creative streak. And Shannath Selthrie has been his usual assholey self again. I hope you enjoyed this chapter.


	14. The great Bkhalzarf bank heist

Author's notes: Hi folks! In this chapter I will tell how Agrippina pulls off the great Bkhalzarf bank heist. And yeah thanks to L0rkhan for his detailed review and critique. As it seems, the "limestone method" to neutralize acid is not recommendable. Agrippina would have devastated master Selthrie's mushroom house and probably killed herself along the way. So not cool! Also it's 13 constellations at Nirn's night sky instead of 12. And I was asked to give Slyboots more features. Aye-aye sir… But it took some time until I could post this. You see, there was a really nasty thunderstorm lately. My 'hood was struck by lightning and…well our router got fried in the process. So my brother had to order a new one which took time.

Disclaimer: I don't own project AHO, Dimonoider and HAEM studios do. I only own my OC Agrippina.

* * *

The great Bkhalzarf bank heist

I had returned to the Great Hexagon Library. By now, my stomach was rumbling and clenching. Yep I was hungry. The sooner I got this bank heist done, the better. Suddenly I heard the tell-tale stomping that I had learned to fear recently. _Oh no, not another one!_ I thought. But sure enough it was there: a prowler patrolling the reading rooms. I went into a crouch and ducked behind the reading chairs. Slowly, one inch at a time, I began to creep towards the door to the Repository. The prowler hadn't noticed me and was stomping off in another direction. Phew!

I decided to try out the spell tome typewriter once again. Because I _had_ a filled great soul gem now. So I inserted the sealed melody of green forests and the soul gem. A green light went on and the gears set in motion. I heard the rattling of Dwarven letters and a *bling* chime every once in a while. After some minutes a spell tome, printed and already bound, slid out of a hatch at the lower end of the machine. I read the title. It was the spell "oak-flesh", a decidedly useful novice level spell. I opened the spell tome and skimmed through the pages. The knowledge forced itself on my brain and made me dizzy. The book turned to dust in my hands. After my surroundings stopped spinning I started practising the spell. It was a _strange_ feeling like I was wearing a leather cuirass under my skin. Then I walked through the door behind me.

The Dwemer repository was a huge rectangular hall. There were a decent number of safes if the number of lights was anything to go by. Those lights were all yellow, those on the ground floor and those on the gallery. At the opposite end of the hall stairs led up to the gallery and the code lock panel. I climbed said stairs and stood before the console. The front part held the buttons with Imperial numbers. The rear part was a great block of stone holding many, many buttons. The rows were filed with Dwemer letters. I made a show of dusting my hands and cracking my knuckles. Then I pressed II, IV, I, VIII. There were no shrill bells ringing. So far so good. Then I went to the rear part of the panel. Those Dwemer letters were…confusing to put it mildly. I looked at the letters like an ox might look at an organ. I rummaged through my sack but dang, I had left the transcription of the Dwemer alphabet at Shannath's. So I shrugged and decided to simply press each button that _could_ be pressed. No harm there, right? So I went along the rows of buttons and pressed each. Then I looked from my observation point if something had changed in the hall.

Quite a few lights on right gallery had turned from yellow to bright white. Those safes had all slid open. Riches here I come! I went over to examine the first safe. There was an ancient parchment of Dwemer schematics of one kind or another. Gently, I took it and placed it in my luggage. Then there were two moonstone ingots. I pocketed those as well. There also was a whole heap of coins but – alas – most of them were ancient Dwemer currency minted with the cogwheel symbol. Meh! It took me some time to sort the precious few septims out. I scoured through the rest of the safes. By the end of my looting session my luggage was bursting with Dwemer documents, septims, precious metal ingots, silver chandeliers, an elven dagger and a Dwemer statuette.

Oh yeah…the statuette! It had obviously been enchanted with a powerful knowledge transferring enchantment – something we puny later-born couldn't do anymore. Because when I touched this statuette, which pictured a stylized cogwheel, a mother-load of knowledge hit my poor brain. It was a bit like learning the oak-flesh spell, only ten times worse. A whole swarm of metaphorical candlewicks seemed to light up over my poor abused head. Fighting skills, smithing, alchemy, sneak skills, magical practice and sciences that I had yet no names for… The enchantment showed me exactly what _not_ to do and how to do better. I couldn't wait to practice my freshly honed skills. So I hoisted my sack, promptly keeled over backwards and landed flat on my arse. _Okay Agrippina, you overdid the looting! Time to unburden some weight. But which items do I leave behind?_ Hmm…in all honesty I could live without the full set of gilded elven armour. Chitin was nice and much lighter at that. So I dumped the elven armour: helmet *clang*, cuirass, armoured gloves, armoured boots *CLANG*.

Then I _could_ move without toppling over. I chose to leave the repository through the back door. On a Dwemer stone console I found a loose crank. _You might want to pick it up, Agrippina. Who knows what machine you can operate? Do they have a weather controlling device down here?_ I idly wondered and pocketed the crank. All things considered my heist had been a full success. I returned to upper Bkhalzarf and then to Sadrith Kegran. Time to finish a few quests… I sold most of my loot to the Amusing Mudcrab. It was practically awestruck with the cogwheel statuette, pop-eyes even popping out a bit further. *scribble-scribble* "WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT GIRL?"

"Oh I did a bank heist at the Bkhalzarf repository." I confessed without even blushing.

*scribble-scribble* "NAUGHTY YOU! I CAN SELL YOU MORE SECRET CODES, IF YOU LIKE. BUT THAT WON'T BE CHEAP."

"Well I'll think about it. But right now I have more than enough money to buy my freedom back." I replied.

Then I walked over to Tel And, and entered the council hall. Time to deliver some books… Erver Milo sat on his throne and mumbled something really weird: "Three for the elves, seven for the Dwemer, nine for the men…"

I blinked my eyes and asked a confused: "Begging you pardon, consul Milo?"

Consul Milo twitched his pointy ears and blushed self-consciously. "Ah never mind, Agrippina. I was just reciting an old piece of lore about ancient rings of power. Well what can I do for you?"

"It's more about what I can do for _you._ Here's your book at long last." I said and handed "Fellowship of the temple" over to consul Milo.

Then consul Verendas cut in impatiently: "Do you have my book, too? Shannath kept me waiting for five years, five _fucking_ years! He probably kept forgetting it."

I tried – and failed – to hide a gleeful grin. "Well of course, here it is. "Mara's Tear" as ordered. That's a lake here in Skyrim. There are rumours of vampires hiding under an islet." I told her.

Consul Verendas rolled her crimson eyes and drawled: "Now _did_ I want to know that?" But she gladly accepted the book. Then I left the council hall again and went to sera Elenil's workshop. She was just as glad for the edition of "Holidays on the Iliac Bay" as the other two Dunmer. And she identified the effects of my age-old Dwemer ingredients. Well they had deteriorated _and_ enhanced in the past ages, strange as it sounds. There were only two effects left but those were surprising. For example: the mouldy troll fat could be used to brew fear-inducing poisons. It was kind of understandable with the way this stuff reeked. Then I said my farewell and left the alchemy shop. On my way to Yen-Ilu I had two meetings.

In the shadows Slyboots cowered and was munching on a dead skeever. It saw me and uttered a greeting screech. I waved back and went on. Near a pond I met Ra'zhirra. I rummaged in my pocket and gave him 20 septims. "What's the latest news?" I asked.

Ra'zhirra put on his craftiest Khajit grin and purred. "A word of advice: friend Agrippina shouldn't hand out her money quite so trustingly. That was it."

Annoyed, I stooped, grabbed Ra'zhirra's tail quick as lightning and gave said appendage a good yank. Ra'zhirra gave an almighty and very satisfying *MEOW!*… And off he was. So maybe he would be pouting and ignoring me in the days to come. But I decided that was worth it. Then I walked to the "cave within the cave" and finally I could use the elevator. When it stopped again I went all "Oh my golly!" I was in a huge cave completely choked with emperor mushroom roots. Quite some mycelium indeed! The only free part was the walkway to the Dwemer quay.

And at the end of the quay a huge metal sphere sat in a nest of fungus roots. So that was the fabled AHO! It was dark blue, strengthened with curving, sweeping lines of gold. There was a kind of hatch hidden under a blazing white force field. I gulped nervously and touched the force field with the little finger of my left hand. Nothing nasty happened. So it was safe to pass through and I did that. The interior left me awestruck again. I was in a Dwemer wonderland. The whole setup seemed to be two-storied. Where I had entered, shelves and a desk stood. Next to the desk was a device that left me stunned. It was a kind of round table and above it floated the likeness of a spriggan formed of blue light. Mind you: a life-sized, three-dimensional picture! "What the…?!" I started to blurt out.

Then I heard a polite cough behind me. "You never saw a holograph projector in your whole life, I take it?" Yen-Ilu asked.

I just shook my head dazedly. Then I exclaimed: "Someone please pinch me now! This feels like a dream."

And Yen-Ilu did me the favour with his metal hand. I yelped: "Ouch! Well I've been asking for it. So this _is_ real. I wonder what Nirn would look like if the Dwemer had survived."

Yen-Ilu shrugged and said: "No one will ever know. But _I_ start to measure what I have unearthed. It's a scientist's dream come true but also a huge responsibility. Just imagine the Thalmor get their twisted yellow paws on it. Or Shannath for that…"

I did think about it for a moment and the very thought made my skin crawl. Because I had read that infamous letter of Shannath's. It said:

" _How dare you Yen-Ilu? How dare you?! I pull you out of this Nord's hole and you…"_

The screeching and offense went on for a few lines and ended in a serious threat of corprus spores. I gulped. It looked as if my master wasn't just some tottering scatterbrain but a serious liability for Sadrith Kegran. Then I pulled myself out of my sombre musings and said: "I've got those documents, master Ilu. I treated them like raw eggs. Here they are." So I gave him the folios, blueprints, plays and novels of a lost civilisation.

Yen-Ilu smiled at me and said: "Very well done Agrippina. Now I'll have a little chat with consuls Milo and Verendas, uncover your true identity and the implications of it. Oh, and I took the liberty to write a letter to your father so he can prepare Castle Dour for your return. Everything will fall in place, you just wait." And he patted me on the shoulder with his metal hand.

Gods I had to stifle a relieved sob there. I could have _kissed_ the Dunmer on the spot. Rather I settled for a delighted squeal and a bear hug.

Master Ilu gasped: "Oof! Thank Sotha Sil for that hybrid armour. I'd be a cripple without it by now." But he gave me a good-natured wink all the same.

I muttered: "Sorry, I have to return to this jerk now." And I released master Ilu and left the AHO.

xxx

The "jerk" was safely back at his mushroom hut and pacing in a way that would dig a trench in the floor before long. He fumbled with his ginger beard and muttered gibberish and threats under his breath. He was shifting his eyes to the door ever so often. Poor, poor Agrippina! She'd be in for one lot of trouble.

xxx

I sensed a storm brewing on the horizon and chose to sate my hunger first. So I paid Chitin & Flin a visit and dined like a queen. Horker and ash yams stew? Yes please! And each and every sweet treat on the menu, too. I decided to face Shannath's wrath with a full stomach. Then I paid my tab and returned to Shannath's.

* * *

author's notes the second: [dusting my figural hands off] So that was that! I hope you enjoyed reading it. What Agrippina can do with this loose crank will be really cool! But I'll let you keep guessing. Mean me! I also took the liberty to introduce Dwemer currency which isn't there in the original mod. And about man-handling a certain Khajiti rumour monger… I often wished, there'd been such a script option like "pull Ra'zhirra's tail". He deserved it more often than not with his cryptic hints!


	15. The great falling out

author's notes: Hi folks! In this chapter Agrippina will get her freedom back at long last. But not without some nasty scenes with a certain Shannath Selthrie… However consuls Verendas and Milo step up for her. Wonders upon wonders; Marisa setting a slave free for once? What is Sadrith Kegran coming to? As always, reviews would be nice.

Disclaimer: I don't own Project AHO. Dimonoider and HAEM studios do. I only own my OC Agrippina.

* * *

As soon as I stepped through the door master Selthrie was upon me. His ears were pressed back against his head and his one eye was glaring daggers at me. I gulped and stuttered: "Ma-master I c-can explain…"

But the old wizard was already besides himself with fury. He shouted: "I bet you can, little slut! You've been trading _my_ antiquities off to Yen. Give me back the house key. You're not welcome here any longer."

Which was fine with me but the name-calling _wasn't._ I tossed the house key right in master Selthrie's face and shrieked: "Tell you what? That's the best idea you've had in weeks. And just for the records: I've been selling most of my spoils to the Amusing Mudcrab. Yen only got the priceless blueprints and such."

That did it! Master Selthrie's hands lit up with shock magic and he bellowed: "I'LL KILL YOU!" Me? I turned tail and made a hasty retreat. Master Selthrie pursued me to the outside and this would have gotten really ugly. But master's vows of violence had attracted audience, it seemed. VIP audience… Consuls Verendas and Milo stood in front of Shannath's mushroom house and they were none too pleased.

"Shannath, you slack-wit! That's quite enough. You'll leave this girl alone from now on." Marisa Verendas called in her chilliest voice. And Erver Milo added: "Do you know who you've been ordering around for the past few weeks? Does the name 'Tullius' ring a bell? No? He's the fucking Imperial military governor of Skyrim. And you've been enslaving his daughter. Sadrith Kegran only exists through grace and goodwill of the Empire. Do you understand where I'm getting at?"

Master Selthrie _did_ understand at last. His expression turned from murderous to mortified in seconds and he breathed: "Oh!" which was a sight for gods and men, quite frankly.

Consul Verendas spoke up again: "Now unlock her necklace, Shannath! Agrippina, you're a free woman again. To come and go as you please. Please accept our sincere apologies."

' _Woo-hoo! Sha-la-la-la… '_ I cheered internally as a sour-faced master Selthrie was forced to unlock the dratted 'amulet of suppression'. As soon as the thing slid off my neck, new vigour and willpower returned to me. I turned around with a really nasty shark-grin on my face. "I've got a parting gift for you, Shannath." Then I kneed him in the crotch, really, really, _really_ hard. My former master doubled over keening like a wisp-mother. Score settled!

Consul Milo winced in male sympathy but didn't complain, whereas consul Verendas chuckled. "Well done, girl! He had it coming. Please follow us to the council hall to receive your old gear. We didn't sell it."

I fell in step behind the rulers of Sadrith Kegran with a new spring to my steps. Shannath Selthrie staggered back into his mushroom house groaning about "lathering his poor abused balls in frost salts".

In the council hall the consuls showed me to a cage and unlocked it. In the cage was a chest which they also unlocked. I stooped over the chest. There it was, my old Imperial armour! I was about asking for some privacy to get changed. Then I thought again. I was _somewhere_ in Eastmarch. Stormcloak territory. So running around in Imperial leathers was probably a very stupid idea. Sighing, I kept my turquoise dress on. Then I remembered the belongings and money I had gained in Sadrith Kegran.

"Err…consul Milo; could you send some Morag Tong over to Shannath? No, I don't want him dealt with! A bruised cock is enough punishment. But the profits, I had made here, are still in his house. Could the Morag Tong please strong-hand him into giving me those things and coins?" I asked.

"Yes of course I can do that." consul Milo replied and talked to grandmaster Mils. The top Morag Tong didn't look thrilled but then again, he rarely did. He sent two of his underlings to Selthrie's house. Half an hour later they returned with my grubby, old sack – a bulging grubby, old sack. Ex-master Selthrie had put up some fight. But then the Morag Tong reminded him how pitiful a Dunmer with bashed-in front teeth looked. And that had done the trick. I stuffed my Imperial gear on top of the other stuff and bid the consuls farewell.

"Agrippina, wait a moment!" consul Verendas called after me. "I know we didn't have the best of starts, all things considered. But you're a free woman now. If you're bored with Imperial lifestyle and mediocrity fell free to return to Sadrith Kegran. Become a member of house Telvanni if you want. But you'll have to learn some spells first, or you'll never get past the rank of 'helper'. There's even a fully furnished mushroom house called Hla Fang waiting for a wealthy owner."

"Why don't you offer it to the Orys couple? I might not even come back." I told the consul.

"Ah don't say that! You can make a fine career in Great House Telvanni, provided you've got ambition and use your elbows ruthlessly." sera Verendas said.

I made a tour of the village to say farewell to everyone. I even said good-bye to Evo Mils. He grouched: "Go kiss a frostbite spider for me!" _Same to you!_ I thought. But those words were almost sentimental for his standards. Then I came across Slyboots and called: "Sly, I'm leaving! Do you want to accompany me?"

Enthusiastic screeching was the reply and I could just about avoid being hugged. I took that as a 'yes please'. So I returned to the outside world after weeks in a cave, freak of nature in tow.

I pushed the big Dwemer doors open and stepped out into real daylight. Oh my freaking gods! How I had missed proper sunlight and fresh air! Well as fresh as air could get in a hot springs area in any case… On my left, Fort Mistwatch was within sight. That was a lawless, bandit-infested place. Right before me, the turquoise steaming ponds of the Eastmarch caldera spread out. On the horizon I could see a dragon circling. Best not to go _there._ So Bone-strewn Peak was off-limits. On my right a giant was holding vigil over his dead mammoth. I put my shoes off and walked right into the warm water. I was so glad because of my regained freedom that I started to sing an old hymn to Kynareth:

"Go out my heart and seek for joy / in this dear summer time / on the gifts of your Goddess. Look at the wealth of ornate gardens / and how they're donned out so stately / for me and for you, for me and for you.

The trees are standing full of leaves. / The earth is covering up its dust with a green dress. / The mountain flowers and death knells, too / are dressed much nicer anyhow than Tiber Septim's silks, than Tiber Septim's silks.

The lark is taking to the air. / The pigeon comes flying from its gorge and sweeps into the woods. / The highly gifted nightingale fills and endears with her song / the mountains, hills and valleys / the mountains, hills and valleys.

The hen is leading its host of chicks. / The stork builds and inhabits its nest. The swallow feeds its young ones…"

Slyboots had a good time, too. It was screeching the second air, albeit off-key. But then, a hunter politely told me to "shut the fuck up" because I was scaring away his prey. Meh! No sense for piety or the fine arts, no sense at all… I searched my way to Kynesgrove and Slyboots helped me against the predators and the odd necromancer. A mangy old Altmer turned in horror and was sent packing by my wooden pal. At Briarwood Inn, I decided to buy me a meal and stay for the night. But Iddra was making difficulties because of Slyboots. "You can't be serious! This freak will scare away all my other customers _and_ the miners. It gets its straw pile outside." she complained.

I had to concede to that because Kjeld and friends were already giving us strange looks. I passed the night and ate a cream bun for breakfast. I also bought a raw goat leg for Slyboots. The tearing and crunching noises were…disturbing to put it mildly. I could understand Iddra that she didn't want Sly under her roof. After the spooky spriggan was finished with its meal we went on to Windhelm. At the stables, I hired the services of Alfarinn the carriage driver. "Solitude one way please! And that goes for me _and_ old Slyboots. I won't stand for it lagging behind on foot." I said.

Alfarinn made a fuss then he charged me extra money. That was okay. I was a rich woman now. The Dwemer statuette alone had brought me 500 septims. The carriage took the route via Anga's Mill. After three days I was back in Solitude. No flower arches, no honour guard but my father hugged and cuddled me for what felt like 15 minutes. "Agrippina Valeria Tullius don't you ever leave my sight again!" Oh dear, I was in for a boring, supervised eternity!

* * *

Author's notes the second: That was the last chapter of arch 1 of the trials and tribulations of Agrippina Valeria Tullius. I hope you have as much fun reading as I had writing this. The song I included is based upon an ancient German hymn "Geh aus mein Herz und suche Freud". I'll enclose a translation of all 15 stanzas. Geez! Agrippina got her freedom back and master Selthrie got kicked in the balls. And many thanks to Shadow Huntres for listing this story as "favourite".


	16. Intermezzo (a bit of faith)

author's notes: Hi folks! Here's the original full version of this hymn that Agrippina Tullius sung on her release. It's called "Geh aus mein Herz und suche Freud". The writer was rev. Paul Gerhard, in sixteen hundred something. It's a tad bit longer, 15 stanzas or something. Normally I'm not the religious type. But this hymn is just so beautiful!

* * *

INTERMEZZO

Go out my heart and look for joy / in this beautiful summer time / in the gifts of your God. Look at the wealth of beautiful gardens / and how they're ornate to me and to you / to me and to you.

The trees are standing full of leaves / the earth is covering up its dust with a green dress. / The daffodils and tulips, too / are all dressed more stately even / than Salomon's silks / than Salomon's silks.

The lark is taking to the air / the pigeon comes flying from its gorge / and flies into the woods. / The highly gifted nightingale / fills and endears with her song / the mountains, hills, valleys and fields / the mountains, hills, valleys and fields.

The hen is leading its host of chicks, / the stork builds and inhabits its nest / the swallow is feeding its young ones. / The swift stag / the light roe deer are happy and come from their height / bouncing into high grass / bouncing into high grass.

The brooks are rushing in the sand / and paint themselves at its rim / with shadowy myrtles. / The meadows lie nearby / and are resounding with whoops and cheers / of sheep and of the shepherds / of sheep and of the shepherds.

The never-tired swarm of bees / flies hither and wither / seeks here and there / their noble honey diet. The sweet grapevine's strong sap / brings new strength and vigour each day / in its feeble creepers / in its feeble creepers.

The wheat is growing with all its might / old and young are glad for it / and praise the great kindness. / Of he who feeds so lavishly and gifts with many-a-good / the human mind and soul / the human mind and soul.

Me myself can and will not rest. / The great God's great works are waking all my senses. / I sing along when everyone sings and let pour from my heart what sounds to the highest / what sounds to the highest.

"Ah" methinks "are you here so beautiful. / And you let us fare so happily on this poor earth. / Then what will be after this world / there in that rich heavenly tent / and golden castle / and golden castle?"

What high joy and bright shine / may be in Christ's garden? / What must it sound like / where so many thousand seraphim / sing their hallelujah with never-tired mouth and voice / with never-tired mouth and voice.

Oh was I but there / oh did I already stand / in front of your throne sweet Lord / and wore my palm leaves. / So I would enlarge your name's praise / in the angel's fashion / with a thousand beautiful psalms / with a thousand beautiful psalms.

Even though I am still carrying the bodily yoke / I won't shut up here. Instead my heart shall on and on bend to your praise here and everywhere / here and everywhere.

Help me and bless my spirit / with blessings flowing from heaven / that I may flower for you constantly. Grant that the summer of your grace will bear many fruits of faith / in my soul early and late / in my soul early and late.

Make room for your ghost in me / that I will be a good tree for you / and let me grow roots. / Give that I may keep your garden's beautiful flower and plant / in your honour / in your honour.

Choose me for Paradise / and let me flower in body and soul until my last voyage. / So I will serve you and your honour alone / here and yonder for eternity / here and yonder for eternity.


	17. Return to Solitude

author's notes: Hi folks! Darn heat wave! And our house has got nothing in the way of air conditioning, absolutely nothing. Anyhow, I'm writing how Agrippina is back in Solitude now and how her scary pal / pet is received. A duo to rock Nirn indeed. Also starring Deeja, the grumpy sister of pirate Jaree-Ra.

disclaimer: Project AHO belongs to Dimonoider and HAEM studios. I only own my OC Agrippina.

* * *

Return to Solitude

Standing at the Solitude dockside again was like a dream come true. It was as I remembered it: bustling, noisy, smelling of fish, seagulls squawking, Addvar fishing…

And there was a quite hostile she-Argonian. She snapped at me: "Do you want knives? Do you want them stuck in your belly? No? Then stop staring at Deeja! She's worried sick for her hatch-brother can't you see?" _It's rather that you're generally a vicious bitch, Deeja._ But some things were better left unsaid.

I gathered my courage and said: "Oh Deeja, you might as well stop waiting and carry on with your lawless life. Your brother got eaten by a dragon. I swear I saw it with my own eyes."

Deeja narrowed her eyes and puffed up her throat. She snarled: "Deeja will…" That's when Slyboots decided to step in. It *SCREECHED* and lifted its wooden claws. "*gulp* Deeja will be a good little Argonian in mourning." she finished lamely. I chuckled and gave Slyboots a pat. We climbed up the wooden stairs to Katla's farm and the city gates. Oh yeah…city gates. The city guards also got quite nervous because of Slyboots. They drew their swords so I had to call: "No wait guys! I'm Agrippina Valeria Tullius and this is my new pet. I know it's not exactly handsome but Slyboots is unique and obedient. So please stay your blades."

Under one of the guard's helmets a woman's voice said: "Ugh! You've got horrible tastes. Is that thing even house-clean?"

But her partner calmed her: "Now, now Hrota don't be mean. That's hardly our concern." I nodded and thought: _Indeed it's not!_ Then I stepped through the main gate. I was on the plaza where Roggvir's decapitation had taken place. I could never look at the spot with quite the same eyes as before! Then I went up the ramps to Castle Dour. The usual two Legion soldiers were standing guard next to the castle gate and in the yard captain Aldis was breathing down some sorry recruit's neck. I rummaged in my sack, pulled out "The Mirror" and called to the captain: "Hey captain Aldis! It's me, Agrippina. I've come back and I've got your book. It's an old edition so handle with care."

The captain whirled round and shouted: "Agrippina! I thought we'd seen the last of you when you didn't return from your trip to Dragonbridge. But luckily I was mistaken. Well where did you find this edition of 'The Mirror'?"

I was only too happy to brag about the wonders of Bkhalzarf. But something really strange happened. "Well I found it in…" But the rest of the sentence came out as unintelligible squawking and croaking. It sounded almost like a strangled rook. _What the fuck?!_ Then it hit me: Sadrith Kegran was a _secret_ settlement. So those Telvanni had woven a mighty spell to insure their private sphere, magic that forbade me to talk about the village. Captain Aldis looked very concerned. He asked: "Is everything all right, Agrippina? Do you need to go to Angeline's aroma shop for a cough remedy?"

I waved him off: "Yeah everything's peachy. Just a bunch of Telvanni that want their secret kept." Captain Aldis scratched his head and shrugged helplessly. Then he paid me for the book. Then I entered Castle Dour. My father stood brooding over the map table. But as soon as he heard me, he pounced on me, tackled me in a bear hug and cried: "Agrippina Valeria Tullius don't you ever leave my sight. Never, ever again!"

Then he started to sob on my shoulder. That part was a bit awkward. Normally he was the hardened and surly veteran and officer to boot. _What's a daughter to do?_ I started to pat his shoulder and cooed: "There, there I'm still in one piece and still a virgin. It wasn't so bad apart from a few slaps and some ugly name-calling. I can be counted as 'wealthy' now. Robbing a Dwemer bank on orders has got some advantages. And I've got a pet. Dad, meet Slyboots the spooky spriggan. Dad, Slyboots…Slyboots, dad." My father rubbed his eyes. He took a few steps backward. Then he asked warily: "Agrippina, I didn't drink today…yet. Does this mean that I'm hallucinating?"

Slyboots uttered an indignant *screech*, like in _"Hey, I'm right here! I can hear you."_ I said: "No dad, Slyboots really exists. It's a Telvanni experiment gone horribly awry the poor thing. But it's one Daedra of a fighting sidekick. I like it, you know?"

My dad put on his best general scowl. He suggested: "Maybe I could buy you a Rottweiler, you know something _normal?_ "

I stomped down my foot and pouted: "No, Slyboots stays!"

The general sighed and grumbled: "Fine have it your way. But if one of the cast and crew or – Divines forbid – a civilian gets slashed to bits and pieces… Then that's on _your_ head. Am I clear?"

Now it was my turn to sigh and roll my eyes: "Yes dad, crystal clear. If that was everything I'd like to hit my cot now. It's been a long day and I'm still getting used to sunlight." But before that me and Slyboots paid the dining hall a visit. I helped myself to a bowl of vegetable soup and found a steak for my sidekick. Then I thought: _"Crap, where is Slyboots gonna sleep? It won't be comfortable on a camp bed."_ So I made what would later be known as "the ill-fated kennel experiment". We had a pack of blood hounds for the scouts lodged in the Castle Dour kennels. _Had_ being the key word because… Well I managed to wheedle the keys from the master of the hounds. Then I managed to lock Slyboots in there for the night. I thought beasts among themselves ought to arrange themselves. That had been pretty naïve of me.

Because as soon as Slyboots was in the kennels, all Oblivion broke loose. The barking, snarling, screeching and whimpering woke the whole garrison up. When I had managed to calm down Slyboots (after about 5 minutes), half the pack was already butchered. The other dogs were pressed into the corners panting hard and soiling themselves. They'd be traumatized for life. The master of the hounds was crying bloody tears and my pocket money was downsized to replace Lizzie, Hugh, Nero and Poppaea. May they rest in peace.

xxx

Back in Sadrith Kegran, a certain elderly jerk had to find back into a life without a servant. He had to cook for himself, do his own laundry (which included soiled sheets), keep order in his diary… Well the diary was a lost cause. It still consisted of messy pamphlets. Here a page, there a page… At the moment he was plotting the ugly and untimely demise of consul Verendas and Yen-Ilu. Obviously he couldn't address the _local_ Morag Tong because Evo Mils – whatever flaws he might have – was loyal to the establishment. He'd be whispering to the consuls in a minute and the erudite master Selthrie would have his ass handed to him.

Maybe poison? But that blasted Khajit, Ra'zhirra, was serving the drinks and he might sniff certain substances out. Shannath Selthrie had made his life a living Oblivion when he had owned the tom-cat. And Marisa Verendas hardly ever slept. So maybe Yen-Ilu was the easier target. Master Selthrie was deep in thought about stones and birds when his stomach rumbled. Oh those ordinary bodily needs! He went to inspect his larder but all his food stocks consisted of a lonesome tomato. Great, now he had to go shopping again. He took 30 septims from his safe and went to Chitin & Flin. Along the way he glared at each and everyone. _Stupid menial tasks, stupid consuls Milo and Verendas, stupid everything!_ It would be a small eternity until the next slave auction took place. He came to the door of the corner club. A downtrodden Serer Orys sat on the bench outside. And here was the riff-raff that polluted Sadrith Kegran! Master Selthrie snorted in his direction then he entered the club.

He walked past the usual patrons down to the counter. Moodily he ordered three chicken pies, some apple juice and some vegetables. He paid and wanted to leave again. But Dalos Verendas held him back. "Ah, serjo Selthrie…"

" _Master_ Selthrie, if you please!" the old jerk interrupted.

"Oh whatever! Listen old mer, my mother sends her regards. You are, as of now, forbidden to visit the Great Hexagon Library. _Master_ Yen-Ilu wrote a colourful complaint about you mucking things up. So no more dungeon delving from now on." Dalos said.

Master Selthrie scowled and his face turned almost black. He leaned over the counter and snarled: "You can tell your mother she's an orc-cuddling crone who couldn't spell-cast her way out of a paper bag if her life depended on it! I've still got research to do but does anyone give a damn? Oblivion no!"

Dalos Verendas hit the counter with his towel and returned in kind: "You will leave immediately or I'll have the Morag Tong remove you." Master Selthrie grabbed his basket and stormed out of the inn. In a think-bubble over his head, a lightning bolt, a balled fist, a bomb, a dagger and Akaviri characters, too appeared. While he stormed back home he worked himself into a self-righteous fury.

xxx

Back in Solitude, my days passed pretty much uneventful apart from the screeching because of the dead hounds. I even took magic lessons under tutelage of Sybille Stentor but she was one creepy woman. I strongly suspected she was a vampire and thane Erikur's Altmer lapdog warned me to "keep my distance". But one morning father was in a hurry and playing "I'm going on vacation and in my suitcase I'll put…" Well he was packing for real. Legate Rikke also packed her bundle. I asked them: "Are you leaving for a holiday resort on Stros-M'Kai?"

Father snorted: "Hah, you wish! I was summoned to summit talks at High Hrothgar. A pesky, idealistic female Khajit said she was Dragonborn. She proved it with an almighty rumble. There are still a few cracked tiles in the map room. The Khajit wants a stall in the civil war, says it's of the utmost importance. Legate Rikke will accompany me as any good second-in-command should do. Now that we talk about company… I probably should invite a certain Thalmor ambassador as well. She'll be as thrilled as I am. Seven thousand freezing steps, _fucking_ seven thousand!" Nope, dad was not a happy general.

I held him by the arm and said: "Wait a second dad. I think I've got just the thing to help you." Then I went to my personal space and took the vial of Telvanni bug musk from my locker. I gave it to my dad and said: "Here dad, this might help your speech craft."

Father sniffed at the vial and *ugh*ed. Then he grumbled: "Agrippina, do I look gay to you?"

I winced: "No, not at all. It's meant to win all the _female_ jarls over to our side. But if a certain bear of Eastmarch discovers his pink side and chooses to take Galmar Ham-Fist on a honey moon…" *shrug*

"Galmar Stone-Fist!" Legate Rikke corrected me. I waved her away.

Father sighed and said: "This is not the moral thing to do and I hope you know that. On the other hand, I'll need all the help I can get. But if Elenwen proposes to me, I'll hold you liable and you'll single-handedly write her a letter stating that I like staying a widower thank you very much! Where did you even get this perfume?"

I put on my best poker face and said: "You know I've got relations, very wealthy relations…"

Father rolled his eyes and said: "Why do I even ask? Now be a good girl Agrippina and don't bring the hordes of Oblivion down on us."

"What about some Dwemer animunculi then?" I asked innocently.

"Gah!" was the only response that my father had to that. He and legate Rikke left the very same day. And yes, he _did_ take along the Telvanni bug musk.

* * *

Author's notes the second: Yes, old people can be terrible. I once visited a home for elderly people in tow of my mother. There was a cage with budgies and other domestic birds to entertain the elderly. I made goo-goo eyes at the birds and cooed to them and waved hello. Then the comments could be heard behind my back: "She's a bit simple-minded.", "Oh dear, the poor mother!" ", "This wouldn't have happened under Adolf Hitler." and so on. I was fuming and very much wanted to yell at the lot: "Excuse me, I might suffer from Asperger syndrome but I ain't deaf. So mind discussing my mental state after I'm out of earshot?!" But I held my tongue.


	18. Sherlock Agrippina Holmes

Author's notes: Hi folks! I'm back again and the bull's heat has abated a bit. Shout-out to L0rkhan: always good to hear your appreciation. But general Tullius' lady problems *cough-cough* will have to wait until the next chapter. This one is a bit more sinister. It's loosely based on the quest "A burden of the past" and it's about child murder among others. So don't read if you have problems with that topic! You have been warned. As always, reviews would be nice.

Disclaimer: I don't own Project AHO, Dimonoider does. I only own my OC Agrippina.

* * *

Sherlock "Agrippina" Holmes or the unpleasant predicament of Serer and Zarona Orys

I was starting to get bored again. I had cancelled the lessons with Sybille Stentor because that un-woman creeped me out to no ends. Her lips quivered a bit and I thought I'd had a short glimpse at one of her fangs… But that could have been my imagination. Anyhow, Solitude was bland and oh-so-ordinary compared to Sadrith Kegran. And I felt even more lonely without my dad. Sure enough, there was Slyboots. But you couldn't do educated chit-chat when your partner could only say *SCREECH*. That could mean anything!

So I decided to take a few days off again. I wrote a note to my father. It said:

 _Hi dad!_

 _You'll probably be furious at me but I can no longer be cooped up in Solitude with no one to keep me company. O.k. There are the house folk of Elisif the Fair. But Falk Firebeard is always busy as an ant. Thane Erikur is a skirt-chasing sleaze. Bolgeir Bearclaw's job is NOT idle talk with a bored general's daughter. Thane Bryling is always so damn upright. And Sybille Stentor is scary to put it mildly. The servants are not an option either. I don't want to listen to lengthy complaints about monstrous dust balls, kitchen work and haunted palace wings! Thus, I'll leave for my *home away from home". Don't worry. I'll only stay for a few days and I'll take Slyboots as a bodyguard. It needs to cool its roots and nobody messes with a burnt vampire-spriggan!_

 _A thousand hugs_

 _Agrippina_

After I had squirted that much ink, I put the note on father's night stand. Then I packed my bundle. Chitin armour? Check! Ancient Dwemer blade? Check! A gallon of septims? Check! [ _Author's notes in between: I KNOW that gallon is a measure for liquids but I'm using the term loosely.]_ Raw meat? Check! Slyboots? Double check! It was already bouncing on the balls of its roots.

"Err Sly, are you male or female? Don't mind my nosy asking. I was just wondering." I asked but didn't really expect an answer. Therefore I fell from cloud nine when Slyboots put a claw in the inkwell and scrawled on dad's sheets: "I USED TO HAVE BOOBS ONCE SO DRAW YOUR OWN CONCLUSIONS." Then it… _she (!)_ stared morosely at her emaciated rib cage.

I nearly fainted. "You are capable of coherent speech?!" I croaked.

"QUITE SO!" Slyboots scribbled and uttered a happy screech. I was still dazed. So I had to reverse my earlier judgement. Slyboots _could_ be interesting company.

I said: "This is awesome news! But now we must change father's sheets. I bet he doesn't want to read about boobs when he returns from this summit talk." Slyboots nodded in understanding and helped me with the task of up-ending the mattress. Then we left for the stables and I paid Thaer for the way from Solitude to Kynesgrove.

Back in Sadrith Kegran my first visit was to Chitin & Flin. A lonely Serer Orys sat on the bench in front of the inn and looked at me glumly. I asked: "Hi serjo Orys, what's up?"

Serer Orys said: "A lot of things but nothing good. Zarona and I fell out, sorts of. She caught me red-handed hoarding both volumes of 'The lusty Argonian maid'."

I made a shocked face and tut-tutted disapprovingly. A tiny smile graced Serer's lips. He confessed: "Yeah she threatened me with serious bodily harm coming in the form of her proud collection of horker tusks."

I winced and cried: "Ouch! You poor man…"

Serjo Orys sighed and said: "I love that woman more than life itself, I really do. But she can be really scary once she's set on 'jealous mode'. So I'm out here to give her a wide berth. She hasn't calmed down since. I wonder what else is plaguing her. It can't be just my raunchy play scripts."

I felt pity for Serer. So I said: "Maybe I should have a chat with her from woman to woman? She might confide in _me._ "

"Yes she might. Thank you" serjo Orys said. I entered the inn and saw Zarona sitting at a table. She was not a happy Dunmer that much was obvious. She was scowling at her jar of mazte and had neglected her exterior. _Huh, bad hair day or what's the matter?_ I wondered. I tapped her on the shoulder and asked: "Mind if I sit with you?"

"Actually yes!" sera Orys snapped. Wow, touchy!

I heaved a dramatic sigh and said: "Fine, I'll remain standing. But don't you think you owe an explanation to Serer? Tell him what's _really_ bugging you? That man loves you to no ends."

Sera Orys had the decency to look guilty. "Sorry, I was rude." she said and patted to the chair next to her. I sat down and she continued. "Well miss Tullius…"

"Agrippina, please." I cut in.

Zarona nodded and said: "Fine then, Agrippina it is. We live in this inn for three months and yet no end in sight. I already asked consul Verendas _several_ times if there was property for sale in Sadrith Kegran. It doesn't have to be the Hla-Fang-estate! Just a cosy little mushroom shoot would be fine, with a double-bed bedroom and a nursery."

I clapped my hands and squealed: "Sera Orys are you... ?"

"Oh shush, keep your voice down! Serer doesn't know it yet. I wanted to surprise him. But then I caught him reading filth and I went all *ARGH*. Anyhow, consul Verendas seems to stall our requests or, worse yet, to ignore them altogether. 'Tomorrow, tomorrow, not today. / That's what all the lazy people say.' I'd like to know why the fuck she is behaving like this? Is it because of us? Are we not glamorous enough? WHY?"

I scrunched up my face and said: "Well this _does_ sound odd and it's surely no good form to leave a pregnant woman suspended in empty air, so to speak. I'll put the thumb-screws on consul Verendas, don't you worry – only metaphorically speaking though!" Because Zarona Orys had gone all light grey at the mention of thumb screws. Then she bent over and threw up in a bucket. Ugh, those blasted hormones! I took that as my cue to leave.

So I walked over to Tel And and the council hall. Marisa Verendas was already seated on her throne. "Oh I _knew_ you'd come back!" she cried smugly as soon as she spied me.

"Hi consul Verendas!" I greeted her. "What is it with you and ignoring the Orys couple? They _need_ the go-ahead to buy a house. Zarona is in blessed circumstances you could say."

Consul Verendas put on a frown and said: "Oh this is…unfortunate. Well I heard them loud and clear the first time. So don't try to tell me how to do my job! But there's arisen an ugly little problem. Oh just talk to Evo Mils. He'll fill you in."

 _The top Morag Tong bastard? Was_ he _in charge of the Sadrith Kegran housing market now? If so, gods help the poor people!_ Well I voiced my concerns. But consul Verendas looked majorly un-amused. She just repeated word for word as if I were a retarded child: "Just. Talk. To. Evo. Mils!"

Sighing I turned left and had to wait a few hours until Nysath flipped the shop sign to "We're open folks. Come in, don't get out." Yes them Morag Tong had a brilliant sense of humour. I entered the Morag Tong agency. Well it looked like any other guard barrack apart from the Mephala shrines. The Morag Tong left offerings of septims and death knell flowers in front of the idols. I scoffed. What else? Then I went to the counter and greeted Evo Mils, as hard as it was keeping civil with _that_ guy. Because the first thing he asked was: "Well did you kiss that frostbite spider for me?"

I hesitated a moment and went all *GRRR*. When I could trust myself to be calm again, I sniffed: "No, not yet. But say are you in charge of the Sadrith Kegran housing market now? I heard you had something against the Orys couple settling down here."

Evo Mils' face turned even sourer. "Damn right I have something against it!" he yelled. "I received a nasty letter _and_ a writ for honourable execution with the name of both Orys on it. Our sweet young love is suspected of murder as it seems. The fact that the victim was a toddler doesn't make it any better. They killed the infant daughter of the Llerwen clan with poisoned milk. Or so the grieving parents claim… We can't accept criminals here in Sadrith Kegran, now can we?"

Oh such blatant hypocrisy made me sick! So I said airily: "That depends on how you define criminal. In the wider sense, Shaglak's slave trade should be laid low as well. But granted that's beside the point."

"Yes it is! But maybe you could help me out. You see I'm busy over both pointy ears. If you could 'dispose' of the culprits, I'd be _very_ grateful indeed. We can make 50-50, 3 000 septims for me, 3 000 for you. What do you say?" Evo Mils suggested.

 _Now_ the veil came off! That Dunmer truly _was_ disgusting. The old Agrippina would have indulged in a hearty mud slinging session now. But that strange Dwemer statuette had also helped me to keep my temper in check. So I put on my best poker face and said: "I'll have to think about it. But I think you should know that Zarona is with child. Can't you be sleeping on the job for once? Like consul Verendas?"

Evo Mils made a face. He groused: "Stop it right there, girl before I need to puke! I'm a businessman first and foremost. And our Mistress is not to be trifled with either. A life has been promised to Mephala. This life she will get one way or another. Well how can you know that Zarona hasn't told you a sob story to make you more pliable?"

Oh that guy had _nerves!_ I'd double-cross him out of spite from the back to the front and down the middle again. If I wanted to pull this off however, looking repulsed was _not_ the right way. So I put on a blood-curdling shark grin and shook Evo Mil's hand: "Okay we have a deal! That's a mighty lot of septims, that is. I'll see it done, don't you worry."

That was a bare-faced lie if ever there was one. Hopefully that lazy, good-for-nothing cutthroat didn't sense that I was bluffing! I left the Morag Tong agency and sought the Orys couple out. Serer was still sitting on the bench in front of Chitin & Flin, waiting for Zarona's ire to cool down. Poor sod! He already had enough on his plate but he deserved a warning. So I said: "Hello serjo Orys! I'm afraid, you're in mortal danger. The Morag Tong have a writ for you and your wife…"

I didn't get any further. Serer lost his last bit of nerves, grabbed me by the collar and gushed: "I _knew_ that day would come. Yes, the nightshade milk was my idea, happy now? You can kill me but leave Zarona out of this. She's innocent. I love her more than life itself, I already told you that."

Eeww this was unsettling! But I suspected that Serer Orys was _just_ a protective husband and not a murderer. So I said: "Oh shush! I don't plan on executing that writ. To kill little Serer junior along with his mother would weigh on my soul forever. Besides, assholes like Evo Mils should _never_ win easily."

Serjo Orys looked at me like a clubbed ox. He croaked: "Blessed Almalexia, I'll be a father! Blasted sheep bowels are not what they used to be…"

Trust the man to complain about fatherhood… I rolled my eyes and said: "Look, I'll talk to Zarona and sort this out. You stay on that bench and don't do anything rash." Then I entered the inn. Zarona had retired to her room. I walked over to her and she asked: "Well Agrippina, what did consul Verendas say?"

I heaved a dramatic sigh. Then I said: "Zarona, there is quite the problem I fear. You've got a Morag Tong writ looming over your heads. Some nasty business with the daughter of a certain Llerwen clan… I trust you know more?"

Sera Orys stomped her foot and shrieked: "Oh this is so unfair! My husband got framed. He was tasked with babysitting the girl and little Zendu died, true enough. But it was a case of sudden child death, regrettable but hardly our fault. We were however forced to leave anyhow. I didn't know about the bounty though. We'd never have come to Sadrith Kegran otherwise."

I idly scratched my head and said: "Interesting, Evo Mils tells a different story… and I don't trust him further than I could toss him, to put that clear! You need help? I'm your girl!"

Sera Orys hugged me and cried: "Oh thank you! Thank you so much. But pulling the Divayth Fyr on the Morag Tong is one scamp of a task. We need money for new identities, save passages and so on."

"How much money are we talking about?" I asked.

Zarona averted my eyes and shuffled her feet: "A peanut of 2 000 septims? Please? We won't stand a chance if we just charge headlong into the blue." I opened my coffer and counted to two thousand. That took a while but when it was done, I shoved that pile of coins over to sera Orys. "Here you are. And as for the fake identities… You might try the flesh-former in Rifton. She's a shady Altmer, Galathiel or some other foppish High Elf name, who provides aesthetic surgery – or so I heard. Besides, Rifton is not so far from Morrowind. And I'll lend you Slyboots as a bodyguard. Every thug and bandit will think twice before challenging a vampire-spriggan-abomination."

Then I went to Slyboots and explained the situation to her. First there was some indignant screeching but I put my foot down and made my point clear. "And no eating your charges!" I added as an afterthought. But Slyboots was reconciled when I gave her a bloodied mammoth trunk. Nom-nom-nom… Fifteen minutes later, the Orys family and Slyboots made their way to the outside world.

I smiled and dusted my hands off. Now it was time to confront Evo Mils with some home made facts. Sheesh, I was going to _enjoy_ that part! So I returned to the Morag Tong agency and greeted the Morag Tong leader: "Hi serjo Mils! I did the job. I walked right up to the Orys couple and said 'Hey the Morag Tong wants you dead!' And they spilled their guts to me – of course not literally. Sorry, bad pun."

Evo Mils face-palmed three times and it sounded really pained. Then he grunted: " _Smooth_ Agrippina, really smooth! Well I suppose that's my fault. I should've known better than to trust a star-eyed girl with that job. But pray _do_ continue. I'm all ears."

 _Now for the killing blow!_ I played the hapless, well-meaning fool that was way in too deep. "Their reactions got me confused however. Serer admitted to the deed but begged me to spare his wife. Zarona claims that her poor husband was framed. So who's the real culprit?" I scratched my head and made puppy eyes at Evo Mils.

He threw his hands up in exasperation and yelled: "How the cobwebs should _I_ know?! I don't get paid to worry myself sick over these matters. Ackh, just kill all three for good measure!"

I looked the Morag Tong squarely in the face, all goofy attitudes dismissed. "That's what I thought." I grumbled. "Well you might want to sit down. To throw your own words back at you: this is unfortunate. Now look… A certain someone – and I don't want to drop names here – gifted the Orys family with 2 000 septims. They made the necessary preparations and pulled the Divayth Fyr. What a bleeding shame! This certain someone sent them on their merry little way and they have a decent head start now. Won't you heave your lazy ass out of that rocking chair and set your gears in motion?"

The suite of emotions on Evo Mil's ugly tattooed face was hilarious. Then he screeched. "It was you who screwed me over!"

"Yup, congratulations for that much guess work." I deadpanned.

"I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD FOR MAKING A LAUGHING STOCK OF ME!" the Morag Tong wailed with snapping voice. He jumped out of his chair and drew a nasty deadric dagger. I gulped. _Agrippina Valeria Tullius it's past time to make yourself scarce. Now._ So I ran and Evo Mils gave chase. He chased me for a round in the council hall that left consul Verendas perturbed and slightly amused. I heard her chant: "Go Evo, go!"

Then I eeped and dove for the exit. But Evo Mils was tenacious you had to give him that. He kept pursuing me, spitting vicious curses all the way. Suron Marys shook his head and muttered: "Now the boss has lost it completely." Our wild chicken chase led all across Sadrith Kegran. Then I saw the flock of netches and gave them a wide berth. Ground rule one for aspiring adventurers on Solstheim and in continental Morrowind: Don't mess with the netches! Just don't. They may look placid and harmless, huge leathery meat balls floating in mid-air. But even cows could stampede you into solid ground under the wrong circumstances. And a rabid netch was ten times worse. Its punch could sink a battle ship. But Evo Mils was too freaking angry. He had thrown all caution to the wind and didn't watch his path. Thus he collided with the netch calf. I winced. This was bound to get ugly.

Normally, netch uttered low thrumming grunts. But this calf started to bleat in keening tones. Uh-oh! Evo Mils realized the crap he was in and started to pet the netch calf frantically. And there was the respective betty netch, pillar of her flock and ruler of her bull! She flung her tentacles around and they slammed into the Morag Tong. Evo Mils found his sorry person suddenly airborne and sailed all the way back to the village green. He hit the ground with a resounding thud and could only say *OOF* He didn't get up any more.

The betty netch made a sound that sounded suspiciously like "booyah" and floated away. And I found a hairy paw on my shoulder. An utterly nervous Ra'zhirra mewled: "What the moons was THAT about, friend Agrippina?"

I laughed but it sounded forced even to my ears: "That was a session of Morag Tong trolling gone waaays out of hand. That's the short version of it, Ra'zhirra." I said.

Ra'zhirra's ears perked up: "Friend Agrippina does live a dangerous life! Maybe she should avoid Sadrith Kegran for a few days?"

"Make that a few _weeks_ captain obvious." I quipped.

"Captain? Too much of an honour for Ra'zhirra this one can assure you." the Khajit purred. I said my goodbye, packed my seven-things and left Sadrith Kegran. Out in the Eastmarch Caldera I heard a voice in my head. Hearing voices is _never_ a good thing but there I was. It was a woman's voice and she was cackling. Cackling? Then she spoke with a sultry, manipulative voice: "Splendid, hilarious! I haven't had this much fun since the attempted murder of councillor Lleril Morvayn. In these days the Morag Tong were involved as well. But then the Dragonborn stuck her furry nose in it and the whole operation of Vendil Severin went south, like in hideously south."

 _Which may be very interesting but who the fuck are you?_ I thought.

"You may call me the Web-spinner." the voice purred.

 _What?! Mephala herself?_ "GET OUT OF MY HEAD! GAH! GET OUT NOW!" I shrieked.

"My, my! I'll take my leave in a minute. There's still this teeny, tiny problem of a life that I am dying to take." _(Bad puns happen in the Forgotten Realms as well.)_

 _Serer! Zarona! Their baby! Oh crap…_ I thought.

"Oh nothing of the sort! There's another one who has it coming more urgently." Mephala purred.

 _Surely not Evo Mils? He's your loyal…_

"The very same, the one and only!" I could practically _see_ Mephala's smirk. "This aging rowdy outlived his usefulness by a looong stretch." And with this information in my lap I was left alone. Shortly I thought about warning serjo Mils. But then I said to myself: "Nah! It's not worth the pain."

* * *

Author's notes the second: That was that. I made Zarona pregnant to add some dramatics to an already nail-chewing story. And Evo Mils gets trolled because I really, really, _really_ can't stand this guy and his attitude. Pff hitmen! This world may need them but this world can have them elsewhere – thank you very much…


	19. The lady problems of general Tullius

Author's notes: Hi folks! Welcome to a new chapter of „The trials and tribulations of Agrippina Valeria Tullius". This one deals with the tiny "lady problem" that general Tullius let loose on himself. Agrippina borrowed him the Telvanni bug musk for the High Hrothgar summit talks. Oh the horror! And Shannath Selthrie is descending ever further into madness. Please read and review.

Disclaimer: I don't own Project AHO. Dimonoider and HAEM studios do. I only own my OC Agrippina.

* * *

The lady problems of general Valerian Tullius

I arrived back in Solitude on the First of Hearthfire. The year was nearing its close. I said goodbye to Alfarinn and was met with a strange sight. Ri'saad's caravanning troupe of flying vendors was camping in the outer bulwark. So far, so common. But the Khajit shared their camp with none other than Slyboots. The spriggan-vampire had dipped her claw in a bowl of Elsweyr fondue. And here I thought she was a passionate carnivore! But what was she even _doing_ here at the outskirts of Solitude? Wasn't she supposed to guard serjo and sera Orys?

"Hey Slyboots what are you doing here? I mean it's great that you're enjoying yourself. But didn't I give you a task?" I asked her.

Slyboots picked up a piece of charcoal with her claw and wrote on the next tent canvas: "Yes the soft-skin did give me a task. I escorted Orys One-and-Two-Bonded to Rifton. They dug for the canals and sewers and _I_ considered my task done. So I came back. Now don't bother me no more. I experience a lovely pink sunrise with the Bright One jumping up and down on the horizon."

 _Ugh moon sugar! Apparently it works on spriggans as well._ I thought. "Fine, enjoy your haze. In the meantime, I will go and meet with dad." I told her.

So I walked up to Castle Dour. My father was breaking his fast in the mass hall. Boy he looked haggard! Had the talks been this annoying? I greeted him: "Hi dad!"

He looked at me utterly grim and said: "So you're back young lady… Left me with a mean letter and the scare of my life. Well I guess I'll have to get used to your double life. You'll be seventeen in Frostfall. What have you been up to? Pray tell me."

I put on a coy face and said: "I did some Morag Tong trolling that got a tiny bit out of hand. Yes? No? Maybe?" I noticed my father's horrified expression and soothed: "No, I'm quite sure they didn't follow me. Evo Mils is busy with licking his wounds and afterwards with finding a hole to swallow him."

My dad drummed his fingers on the table. Then he pinched the bridge of his nose and said: "Well I didn't die of boredom either. The talks were a full success – on the political side. Yes, I used the Telvanni bug musk as aftershave."

I gaped at my father and gasped: "Like in '*splish-splash* A lot will help a lot.' Oh daaad! Sera Elenil explicitly told me to never apply more than three drops at once!"

General Tullius clawed at his hair and yelled: "Agrippina Valeria Tullius, maybe you should have told me that _before_ the summit? Don't you think? But let's continue this discussion in my private quarters. My men are already staring."

I mouthed "whoopsie", eagerly nodded and followed him. In the general's quarters dad opened his "top secret chest", rummaged in it and presented me with a whole fistful of Mother Mara- and Dibella-amulets. He dangled them in front of my face. "Here, look at that!" he growled.

"Oh!" I muttered dumbstruck. This was…not good. If I told this story to sera Elenil (which I _wouldn't_ do) I'd never hear the end of it.

My father nodded grimly and said: "Very 'oh' indeed! All was fine until the post-negotiations-socialising. Then the hunt on general Valerian Tullius was opened." He started to tick off the amulets.

" _This_ is from First Emissary Elenwen. She said that despite _me_ being a mere human, she would be willing to give it a try. Apparently she's even willing to cheat on her torture master Rulindil which can't be healthy for _me. This_ is from Ajiameh, the Khajit dragonborn. She purred dirty things in my ear, like what she could do to my cock with her tail. _This_ is from Jarl Idgrod Ravencrone. The horror! She's like – what – 30 years my senior and touched in the head at that. _This_ is from Jarl Elisif the Fair. Quite obviously she's turned from a grieving widow into a merry one. _This_ is from Jarl Laila Law-Giver. I am to sort out her sons. One holds on to the Empire, the other one's a Stormcloak sympathizer. Urgh! And the Dibella amulet is from Jarl Balgruuf the Greater. Well it takes all sorts. More brats, just what I need."

After his tirade my father buried his face in his lap and muttered: "Please kill me now daughter. Or better yet: Find a way to fix this fucking mess!"

Now that was quite the conundrum! It took me some minutes to ponder and look at the looming harem from every angle. Then I snapped my fingers. "I've got a plan. Granted it will be a blow to your manly pride but all's fair in love and war. How about this: I write to your 'fan club' that you have a serious and sadly incurable gallant disease. Like… umm… a terrible rash of green-spore on your cock?"

Dad made a face and grumbled: "Eeewww Agrippina, that's gross!"

I smiled bitter-sweetly: "Yes it is. But it will snap the ladies out of their – err – _infatuation_ once and for all. Then I'll… Yeah why not? I'll play matchmaker for Jarl Idgrod Ravencrone and Thane Erikur. It will be the scandal of this era!"

General Tullius banged his fist on the table. "You'll do no such thing young lady!" he bellowed outraged.

"Will too!" I sang and twirled a pirouette.

More hair-tugging followed on my father's side. "Agrippina, you're spending way too much time around those Telvanni folk. It's rubbing off in the totally wrong way. Thane Erikur is a married man…"

"…who doesn't behave like one so what's one more misstep to him, if not highly amusing for _us_?" I completed father's line of thought.

The general held up his hands in surrender. "Okay you've convinced me. But I'll keep the Telvanni bug musk. You don't seem to need it with your smart tongue."

I pouted a bit then I went to 'office work' writing _five_ times that my father suffered from green-spore rash on his cock and _one_ time that… Well it was awfully embarrassing but Thane Erikur had fallen for Idgrod the elder called 'Ravencrone' and was waiting for a tête-à-tête with bated breath. And surely, the same Thane Erikur would find ways to… Now that my father was sadly not an option any longer… I enveloped and sealed the letters. Later I would give them to the courier. Mission accomplished!

xxx

Back in Sadrith Kegran things were not well at Shannath's. The elderly Telvanni wizard had locked himself up in his mushroom pod and was doing all sorts of shenanigans. He had vivid dreams of the late Imloth and continued to write on his diary. But these newest entries were _weird_ – and that's putting it mildly. Apparently, he'd developed a fantasy of adopting the moons (!) and buying them the sea, among other things. The scribbling was hilarious to read but also very, very sad. The once courageous and wise expedition leader had fallen into madness and was ripe for the Shivering Isles. Oh he'd drive Yen out of "his" space ship! He'd launch the blasted thing come Oblivion or high water. He didn't give a damn about the other residents of Sadrith Kegran. So what if the launch burned them all to a crisp? Good riddance! Over such unbecoming thoughts, Shannath Selthrie fell into a fitful sleep.

In the AHO, master Yen-Ilu was worried for his ex-colleague's mental state. Shannath had locked himself up and was plotting Sotha Sil knows what. Poor guy! 'Poor _highly dangerous_ guy!' Yen-Ilu had to remind himself. A septim for his thoughts… Maybe Agrippina would be willing to do some spy work? The girl was helpful and smart. Yen had indeed heard about Evo Mils' 'bad luck'.

Sadrith Kegran was a small community and gossip spread fast, especially where a certain tom-Khajit was involved. Evo Mils had survived the netch kick. Two of his Morag Tong had brought him to Tamina Elenil in good time. But he'd been in a sorry state indeed: several broken ribs and a smashed right leg. Oh my, oh my! The ribs Tamina could mend. As for the leg… To heal _that_ properly proved to be beyond Tamina's skills. Poor Evo Mils would need a walking cane for the rest of his days. But he'd buy a fancy one, wrought of ebony with a mithril handle in the shape of a spider Deadra. And whenever he had weather pains in his right leg he'd go out into the Eastmarch caldera and take a hot bath.

Yen-Ilu had several serious talks with consuls Verendas and Milo about the state and situation of master Selthrie. Both were of the opinion to "put the old fool out of his misery". But Yen-Ilu found himself unwilling to take such dire measures, even if Shannath had become a public hazard. No, a lot of tact and cleverness was needed here. And Agrippina was the right girl for that sort of thing.

xxx

A week had passed. I felt strangely restless and that had nothing to do with my glee at thane Erikur's – ahem – predicament. I had heard unsettling gossip, all right. The lusty skirt chaser had gone on a blind date which had turned into a blind date quite literally. When he had laid eyes on jarl Idgrod Ravencrone in all her aged glory, he'd clawed his own eyes out with shrieks of "Shor's bones" and "Dibella save me". Then he'd left the Morthal inn in a hurry and had run off into the swamps. That was the last anyone had heard of thane Erikur. True story friend, true story…

But I digress. My whole body felt like an itch I couldn't scratch. Maybe a spiritual distress call from Sadrith Kegran? How was dad going to take it that I wanted – _needed_ – to go roaming again? Slyboots, I knew, would be delighted. She had recovered from her stoned state. _Could spriggans get a headache?_ I should ask her at the next best possibility. I had gone to the courtyard for a sparring session. But the uneasy feeling hadn't left during the workout or after it. Something was _definitely_ amiss at my "home away from home". So I searched for my father. I found him in his study. "Dad I'm feeling restless again." I whined.

General Tullius sighed and said: "Well that's not good. You tend to make all sorts of mischief when you're restless. Like playing matchmaker…"

I laughed and said: "That was fun! Come on admit it. But some other thing feels off, like an itch I can't scratch. So maybe it has to do with… You know my 'home away from home'?"

"Ah those bothersome Telvanni." my dad grunted. "But maybe it's a case of 'much a-do about nothing'. Did that thought ever occur to you?"

"Oh I'm not worried for my former master. He's been a dick as long as he owned me and still is. But believe it or not, not all Telvanni are like him. Master Yen-Ilu is adorable in his own way. What if some disaster happens that I could have stopped?" I asked the general.

"Then go for Talos sake! Whoops, don't let the First Emissary know I used the name of Talos. Maybe you'll bring your old man a souvenir?" my dad asked.

I huffed: "Dad I don't know what you want. You already kept the Telvanni bug musk. But thanks for your blessing. I'll pack my things and leave tomorrow. Slyboots should also be fine and coming. She's had a bowl of Elsweyr fondue with too much moon sugar. But the worst of her stupor has passed."

So I left my father and ate supper. Beef stew, yummie my favourite! Then I gave my ancient Dwemer sword to Beirand for upgrading and went to sleep. _Rock-a-bye baby thy cradle is green…_ Tomorrow I would pack my things, pay Beirand for his work and go on a journey to Sadrith Kegran.

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author's notes the second: Sorry that you had to wait but I've been on vacation in Bohemia. My old man hails from there. It's a beautiful spot, a bit like the Black Forest. Blueberries here I come! But they've been affected by the heat wave and drought as well.

So Agrippina has been a naughty girl. And Shannath is now officially a _mad_ jerk instead of just a jerk. As for the fate of Evo Mils and thane Erikur… None of this happens in the game. But I really don't like these two. So I invented this jerk-whumping. I hope you had fun.


	20. I spy or the madness of Shannath Selthri

author's notes: Hi folks This is another chapter for „The trials and tribulations of Agrippina Valeria Tullius". In this chapter, she will do some undercover work for Yen-Ilu and come up with an _unusual_ solution. Because – let's be honest – it has always irked me that in the game there is no way _around_ killing Shannath Selthrie. Granted, he's a dick who's grown into a public hazard. But a chapter of the storyline is called "freedom of choice". So in this story, I'll take the freedom to let Shannath Selthrie live. Yay! Or not so 'yay' however you might look at it… But my mind is set. Thanks to L0rkhan for his (or her?) ongoing support. And reviews would be nice.

disclaimer: I don't own Project AHO. That honour goes to the modder known as Dimonoider and HAEM studios.

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I spy or "The madness of Shannath Selthrie"

I had come back to Sadrith Kegran, Slyboots in tow. We had many a "conversation" (in writing) about the ways and customs of spriggans, before Shannath got his grey claws on Slyboots. Sadrith Kegran seemed the same still everyone was on edge because of my former master. Apparently the jerk had locked himself up and was plotting Herma Mora knows what.

And I had a brush with Evo Mils. He had his right leg in a plaster cast and limped along on a cane, a very fancy cane but a cane none the less. Then he spied me. He didn't make a fuss, didn't yell or curse me to the Void. He just glowered at me for a total of ten eerie seconds. I held his stern gaze. Then _he_ quite pointedly looked aside but brushed my shoulder as he limped past me. I turned to Slyboots and shrugged. _What in Oblivon was that about? Huh whatever…_

The rest of Sadrith Kegran's population greeted me a lot more cordial. Tadys Andavel invited me to visit the farmstead. Young guars had hatched. Oooh cubs! Or calves, pups, foals? Whatever young guars are called. Midnabi was showing me her newest masterpiece. It was still a charcoal sketch but a very grandiose charcoal sketch, showing an angel and a kneeling knight. I gave my praise and went on. The consuls didn't have time to greet me. They were locked in a wizard spar on the village green and were not to be distracted.

Then I met Aryni Sendu. She seemed very downcast and a little bit cross. I walked over to her and asked: "Hey Aryni what's the matter? Did your father shower you in daggers again?"

The hunter's daughter cracked a smile and replied: "No, don't worry. My old man learned that one lesson and gave me a bracelet this time – carved from a mammoth tusk, though I suspect that Midnabi is responsible for the decorations on it. But there's another problem. Maren Dwyn, my fiancé, seems to avoid me lately and I don't know _why._ Did I offend him somehow? Is it a serious case of cold feet? Argh!"

I put on my best understanding face and promised: "I'll have a conversation with your boyfriend. If it _is_ a case of cold feet I'll have Slyboots here drag him around by his balls – literally – until he sees sense." Aryni looked horrified but Slyboots screeched full of enthusiasm. I walked to the mycelium and met said Maren Dwyn on the way. He was practising his archery on a straw target. I decided to take a direct approach. I stepped beside him and asked: "Serjo Dwyn what's that with you avoiding your girlfriend?"

The ginger-haired Dunmer *eeped* and misfired. The arrow got stuck in an emperor parasol and serjo Dwyn turned to me and sighed. "It's true but I don't know how I can see eye to eye with Aryni ever again. I bought her a beautiful kite-shaped pendant. It was meant to be a big surprise. Then I got into a bar brawl with these Dres fellows from down south and well… See for yourself." He rummaged around in a pocket on his belt and pulled out a handful of metal shards and a pulverized violet gem.

I said: "Oh dear! May I?" I took one of the metal shards and examined it carefully. Picking up this priceless Dwemer statuette had also taught me a lot about smithing and metallurgy. The shard seemed to be made of some costly alloy. Was that…?

I looked at Maren Dwyn unbelievingly. Then I gasped: "You poor guy! How hard did they hit you to break kriffing _electrum?!_ "

The Dunmer said: "Very hard. They beat me within an inch of my life, or so it felt. Tamina had to come to Chitin & Flin because I couldn't do one more step. That's what you get for competing in slave trade! But what's electrum?"

"It's a precious alloy of silver and gold. You really like Aryni a lot, eh? But the pendant is a lost cause in this shape. I could, however, forge a new one. All I need is a silver ingot, a gold ingot and a gemstone. Maybe I'll find all the necessary things down in Bkhalzarf? Yup, seems like the best option." I offered.

Maren Dwyn perked up his pointy ears. Then he said: "No wonder Shaglak asked 500 septims for it! Thank you so much. Now I've gotta go up to the world of sunlight. Our meat supply is low again."

"You are aware there are dragons out and about? Would be an awful shame if Divines forbid…" I asked concernedly.

Maren Dwyn suddenly looked spooked. "D-dragons?" he stuttered. "D-do they really exist? I heard they look like giant eagles on horse bodies."

After that I couldn't keep a straight face. I howled with laughter and slapped my thighs. Poor serjo Dwyn looked very sheepish. I wheezed and gasped some. Then I said: "Man go to the next bookstore and buy a decent bestiary! If you can afford 500 septims for a pendant…"

Maren Dwyn gave me the friendly advice to "get lost". So I finally made my way down to the mycelium and made a detour to the farmstead. I cuddled the newly hatched baby guars while Selveni held their mother in check. Young animals can be ugly but some are really sweet, goofy and playful as they are. But I still had more pressing issues on my mind. I couldn't play peek-a-boo with the critters all day long. So I said farewell and took the elevator to the AHO.

The re-acquaintance with master Yen-Ilu was cordial. He praised me on the way I had helped Serer and Zarona out. Seeing Evo Mils limp around with an ill-tempered expression on his already stern face was a blessing. But then, master Yen-Ilu became serious. He sighed: "Oh Agrippina! I'm very worried about Shannath. He once was a decent mer, you know? Intelligent, adventurous, level-headed… But that changed as he got older and 50 years ago, we broke up because I couldn't stand his weird and rash behaviour any longer. After we discovered the AHO, Shannath was Oblivion-bent on launching it. He didn't care for Sadrth Kegran or its inhabitants but I did. So I told him to bugger off and never return. Now he's locked himself up and he's plotting Sotha Sil knows what. I think we both need help. Don't get me wrong: I don't blame you for leaving. Shannath treated you horribly. But maybe you could try to get back in his good graces in order to spy on him?"

I looked master Yen-Ilu squarely in the face and huffed: "Just for the records: I won't let that dick slap me in chains and treat me like dirt again! Then again spying on him sounds like fun although the results might be really scary. I'll need a good excuse to get him to open his door to me again."

Master Yen-Ilu put on a rogue smile that I would never have thought a Telvanni magister capable of. "What about a good old-fashioned bluff? Tell him I'm about to launch the AHO. _That_ should throw him off the handle." he told me with a wink.

"Yeah, that's what I fear. What if he orders me to…you know…?" I made the cutthroat gesture.

Master Yen-Illu suddenly looked grim and said: "Girl, I hope you know the answer to _that_ already. I don't take you for the backstabbing sort. Just find out what my old mate is up to. I fear it's nothing good or pleasant. Pretend to go along with his plans and maybe you can find a way to subdue him? For all his bad attitude, I wouldn't want to see Shannath killed. Not by you, not by anyone."

I chuckled nervously and said: "Right as if I could kill a seasoned Telvanni wizard. I might have taken lessons in the school of destruction but…" I left the sentence hanging and walked back to the main cave again.

I could remember the way to Shannath's mushroom house quite easily: past Chitin & Flin, to the village green (or rather grey), then turn around to the Hla Fang estate and take the pier to the right. Shannath Selthrie's house was still the same with the Dwemer pipes spewing coloured smoke. I smoothed my clothes and knocked the circular door. Sure enough there answered that scratchy ill-tempered voice.

"Dalos, is that you? Get lost! I'm not apologizing for what I said. I'd likely call you just another thousand names." my former master called. Slyboots flinched at the voice. Poor thing, she had suffered unspeakable things at the hands of master Selthrie. So I told her to take some time off which she gladly did.

"No it's not Dalos; it's Agrippina Valeria Tullius your former whip-girl. Now I'll probably regret this till the end of my days but do you need help?" I asked.

"You?!" came an indignant shout from the other side of the door. "No thank you but no! You've 'helped' me enough with turning my balls to mush."

 _Oh Sanguine save me! He can't remember yesterday but still he remembers that one unlucky moment?_ I despaired internally. Just peachy… Aloud I said: "Well admit it: you've had that one coming. I was invited to pet the young guars at the farmstead a short while ago and well… I could feel some strange vibrations coming from deep down below. Very disturbing that…" This got master Selthrie's attention.

He shouted: "What?!" I could hear a key turning in the lock and my former master flung the door open. Oh girl, he'd been through some rough times! His beard was frayed and unkempt. His once shaved head was covered in greasy spikes and stubbles. His robe was stained and faintly stank of piss. "That bastard, that utter bastard!" master Selthrie raged. "He can't leave me behind. It's unfair. I wanna see my son again."

 _Son? Oh dear what was he raving about now?_ Master Selthrie attempted to get out but I gently but firmly pushed him back into the house. "Please calm down, master Selthrie. Maybe it was just an honest-to-Dagon earthquake. Sadrith Kegran is built on a volcanic hotspot after all. Why do you want to launch the AHO so badly?"

"Voyage!" master Selthrie shouted. "Leave the circle, enter the square…"

 _Now here's a nutcase if I've ever seen one! But two can play at this game._ I thought.

"Riiight sure, whatever you say. Let me guess: to boldly go where no Dunmer has gone before?" I asked. _(Author's notes in between: Ha-ha! With that many LOTR quotes in Project AHO I felt honour-bound to bring in one good Star Trek quote. And there it is!)_ He really was madder than ol' Skooma Cat.

"My son Imloth, my poor magically challenged boy. He's there and yet he isn't. Sometimes I can hear his voice and see him. But I can never touch him. I just want to hug him again." master Selthrie sobbed.

 _Oh dear! Now I have to play shrink._ The mere thought made me shudder but I put on a compassionate face and soothed: "Shush old man, it's all right. I'll brew you something to make you feel better." One more dose of drugs didn't make his world fall to pieces, right? So I went to the alchemy lab and mixed a little bit of netch jelly with lavender and a dose of moon sugar. The result should be a tranquilizer that I wanted to test on master Selthrie. The smell of the liquid was definitely suspicious.

I turned around to master Selthrie again who was packing his suitcase frantically. It looked very rushed and disorganized: Yorik the skull, the loose pages of his diary, an apple, a carrot, a stuffed toy nixhound, a live bantam guar… I shook my head amusedly. Then I tapped my former master on the shoulder and said: "Here; I've brewed a potion for you. It's not your usual concoction but that stuff only made your problems worse so please try my new invention."

Master Selthrie harrumphed but emptied the bottle in one huge gulp. After a few seconds a dopey smile appeared on his weathered face. His remaining eye grew big as a saucer; his implant flashed a mad staccato. Then he fell unconscious and keeled over. I quickly grabbed him before he could bump his head and checked his vitals. He was out cold but otherwise fine. I went into master Selthrie's torture corner, took some leather straps from a shelf and bound his hands behind his back, palms facing each other. So he couldn't cast spells when he regained his senses.

Then I searched his pockets and removed an elven dagger and a crumpled piece of paper. I smoothed it out and read: _"Check the following locations: Avanchinzel, Deep Folks Crossing, Alftand, Reachwind Eyrie, Nchardak, Tower of Mzark"_ What in Apokrypha's name was that supposed to mean?! These names sounded Dwemerish but most of them were unfamiliar to me. Probably I should ask master Yen-Ilu about it but first I should put Shannath Selthrie under lock and key. So I hauled him into Rasputin's old cage and locked the door with a key I found on master Selthrie's belt. Now to inform the Morag Tong…

I left the house and found an agent who presented himself as Nysath Folvyn. Folvyn? Oh yes, he'd been present on my very first day in Sadrith Kegran – at the auction. He cocked his head and rasped in the typical, gruff Dunmer fashion: "Out with it!"

I smiled and said: "A fine day to you, too serjo Folvyn. Look I've got a little problem but I think I've stopped a big one. I put master Shannath Selthrie under house arrest – kind of. He's become stark raving mad so I cheated my way into his house, drugged him and locked him up in his own slave cage. He won't be a happy Dunmer once he regains his senses. But maybe one of you Morag Tong could unbind his wrists once he has calmed down? And feed him? Master Yen-Ilu didn't want to kill him; _I_ didn't want to kill him. But he shouldn't be allowed to roam freely any longer."

Serjo Folvyn barked a short laugh and said: "My, my what a naughty girl! Is the situation really as dire as you describe it?"

I made a face and chuckled nervously: "Yup, it's bad. I got a glimpse of master Selthrie's loose diary. The last page is complete horker dung! He's giving nonsensical instructions to Masser, Secunda and Aurbis. And who in Julianos' name are Khundakar and Suchi-El? Are these deities as well?"

Serjo Folvyn gave an annoyed grunt and said: "Dunno but ol' master Selthrie is ripe for the catacombs as it seems. Detention in complete darkness will set him right; at least I hope so."

"No!" I shrieked. "That's the worst you could do. An old mer needs the surroundings he's used to. He's been to the catacombs once and that's when he started seeing spirits. Make sacrifices to Sheogorath if you have to but please don't throw him down there again. Visits from master Yen-Ilu might help as well. Speaking of _him_ I've got to talk to him. See you!" So I left a miffed Morag Tong behind and went on my way to the mycelium.

The cave with the AHO was as spectacular as ever. The hatch opened for me and I entered master Yen-Ilu's little realm. I found him on the lower level in the alchemy lab. All around the experiment table there were pictures with Dunmerish annotations: nirnroot, shimmer mushroom, light flower, death knell, mudcrab… Master Yen-Ilu turned around and greeted me. "Hi there Agrippina! Glad to see you alive and in one piece. Could you get a glimpse of Shannath's schemes? And is he safe?"

I held up my hands and said: "Relax master Yen-Ilu! Yes master Selthrie is quite safe, in fact he's locked up in his own slave cage now. It had to happen. He isn't just a liability for Sadrith Kegran. I believe he's become a hazard to himself. What he's up to? Your guess is as good as mine. I found a list with outlandish Dwemer place names and a _really_ strange text. Who the fuck are Khundakar and Shuri-el and what's it all supposed to mean?"

Master Yen-Ilu pinched the bridge of his nose and groaned. Then he said: "Oh dear! He's really become obsessed with the Dwemer. It's a strange little Dwemer nursery rhyme called 'A type of zero still to be discovered'."

I gawked at master Yen-Ilu and cried: "Now you're pulling my leg, aren't you?"

"Nope." the scholar said. "As for the list of place names… Pick a location and take a good look at it. You won't find the answer otherwise. I'd say you visit Avanchinzel. It's the closest Dwemer ruin, situated in the Autumn Forest."

"Well I begin to understand why the Dwemer have become extinct. A nursery rhyme, now really! But it's strangely fitting. Master Selthrie had a nix hound toy and a live bantam guar in his house. Uh-oh! I somehow doubt that the Morag Tong will feed the poor critter. Maybe you will visit your old pal once he's woken up from his drug stupor? Here's the key to Shannath's cage." I said.

Master Yen-Ilu scrunched up his face and said: "I fear this will do more harm than good. We weren't on the best of terms lately. Could be that Shannath gets so riled up that he'll have a stroke or a heart attack. Then again if his care and entertainment is left to the Morag Tong, Shannath will suffer as well. Ok, I'll visit him in a couple of days and I'll try to mend bridges. Will you take a look at Avanchinzel in the meantime?"

I nodded and said: "Yes sir! Slyboots will _love_ this trip. She's a violated, twisted spriggan but still a child of Kynareth in her heart of hearts. I only hope that I don't have to worm my way through _all_ of Avanchinzel. The Dwemer automatons, the Falmer…Yuck!"

Master Yen-Ilu looked at me mock-reproachfully and said: "Don't 'sir' me again! I'm not a Redoran grunt. Well god-speed and may your ancestors protect you, Agrippina." He gave me a bow signalling that I was dismissed.

So I left the mycelium to make some preparations. At Tamina's I bought healing potions. At Chitin & Flin I bought food. At the public well I refilled my canteen. Then I returned to the inn and rented a bed for the night.

* * *

Author's notes the second: Here's a new chapter for my story. Sorry for the long wait. I've been on vacation to Italy. Best bathing weather of all times and ages yup-yup! Anyhow I created an AU in this chapter because I chose to let Shannath Selthrie live. I also changed the location of the AHO's launching site because, quite frankly, I always found it most annoying how the modders force you to travel to the opposite end of Skyrim. The spirit of adventure all good and well… But why does it have to be Deep Folks Crossing? And why is my mouse cursor a big fat cross all of a sudden?


	21. Field research and drinking with Shaglak

Author's notes: Hi folks! This is another chapter for „The trials and tribulations of Agrippina Valeria Tullius". Chapter 21 already, my oh my! A shout-out to athena9090: Thank you for listing this story as "favourite". In this chapter, Agrippina will do some field research in the Rift. Then she'll share her own special "night to remember" with Shaglak the orc. Unlike in the mod, Agrippina will also sing a drinking song. Hooray! Please don't forget the reviews.

Disclaimer: Project AHO is intellectual property of Dimonoider, blah, blah, blah…

* * *

Field research in the Rift and poor lonely Shaglak

I had woken up from sleep in the Chitin & Flin guestroom. I did a cat wash then I ordered an apple pie for breakfast. Dalos Verendas grumbled something about "unhealthy eating habits" but it was _my_ kriffing body, right? After eating the pie I grabbed a quill, inkwell and paper to write to my father.

 _Dear dad,_

 _during the next days I'll do some field research in the Rift. I still owe master Yen-Ilu a few favours. Gonna explore the outskirts of Avanchinzel. Evo Mils, the top Morag Tong, is still cross with me. So that's also a reason to go travelling again. Then I agreed to mend a precious pendant so hopefully I'll stumble over a gold ingot and a silver ingot._

 _How are you doing in Solitude? I hope you weren't "molested" by any more lusty women. Please stay away from Sybille Stentor! She's creepy._

 _Love you_

 _Agrippina_

Then I folded the paper, sealed it and wrote _"to general Valerian Tullius, Castle Dour, Solitude"_ on the backside. Maybe I could find a courier on my way to the Rift. I packed my gear, girded my ancient Dwemer sword and left Sadrith Kegran just as Bralys Sendu and Maren Dwyn returned with a reindeer carcass tied to a stem. Slyboots was skipping along behind me. The first part of our journey led to Kynesgrove where I gave Draynea the stone-weaver a bowl of ancient frost salts. These poor miners in Steamfire Mine needed cooling potions urgently. It was the only major deposit of malachite in all of Skyrim.

Then I followed the road sign saying "Rifton". The cobbled road ran past Mistcliff Camp, Mzulft, Breakbone Cave, past North Wall Peak all the way to Shor's Stone, another mining village. Red Belly Mine was an ebony pit, also the only one of its kind in Skyrim. They'd had problems with a frostbite spider infestation but the famous Dragonborn had taken care of the matter. The blacksmith allowed me to stay with him for the night but his hospitality didn't extend to poor Slyboots. She screeched sullenly and went hunting. The next morning I ate a light breakfast and found a courier to send my letter. He asked 20 septims for delivery. I paid him and went on search for Slyboots. I found her in front of Shor's Watchtower in a small circle of four dead Rifton guardsmen. Oh dear! So I asked her suspiciously: "Was that you girl?"

She shuffled her wooden claws on the ground and wrote: "Ye-es. But they started it!"

I rolled my eyes and said: "Oldest excuse in the book! But what's done is done. Let's leave this village urgently but silently."

Slyboots bent down and wrote in the dust: "But what about a second helping?"

I placed my hands on my hips and shouted: "We. Leave. Now!" Impossible spriggans aside, it was a beautiful day. The air in the Rift was always so balmy. The hold was close to Cyrodiil and Morrowind after all. There were birch trees, birch trees as far as the eye could see, and squash pumpkins every few steps. I harvested one. Together with cream and exotic spices it would make a tasty soup. Then we climbed up the ridge to lake Honrich at a shallow part. Lake Honrich was famous for its salmon. But Avanchinzel lay at the other shore and several miles west. I didn't want to spend hours walking along the shore. So I "borrowed" a rowing boat from a nearby jetty.

I explained to Slyboots how rowing a boat worked. The most important thing was synchronising the strokes of the oars. Slyboots screeched and nodded eagerly. We went on board and rowed all the way west to Corewood Mill. Then we headed south and ran afoul of a small pack of wolves. But I and Slyboots made short work of them. A few more steps and I stood before the entrance to Avanchinzel. It was a gaping tunnel mouth that made my skin crawl. It wasn't just the cold air. Somehow I _knew_ that something terrible had happened in there. Then I turned left and saw _it._ A huge dish-like array of metal beams, struts and rings rose from the ground. Beneath it, large pistons went up and down and flames shot out of the pipes at regular intervals. _Okay I'm impressed so sue me._ Slyboots' screech also sounded awed.

I went through a door, mounted some stairs and stood on a platform. This platform held a Dwemer cube holder socket. That's what serjo Selthrie had been looking for! I took a piece of charcoal from my pocket and drew a crude sketch in my diary. Beneath it I wrote "launching site?".

Then we went to Rifton to spend the night at the Bee & Barb. But I had to leave Slyboots behind at the stables again. Meh! Then I bought one of Talen-Jei's famous cocktails and went to bed. The next morning I broke my fast, paid the tab and rented the carriage to Windhelm. I had to pay extra again for Slyboots-transport. From Windhelm we walked to Sadrith Kegran giving each giant camp a wide berth. But there was no escaping the wildlife. I had to take care of several wolves and even a mangy sabre cat. Slyboots was a great help as always. At sunset we reached Sadrith Kegran. I chose to let master Yen-Ilu wait. I was in need of some entertainment and those huge Dwemer constructs wouldn't go anywhere over night. So I sold my spoils of the trip at Shaglak's store.

He was being his old nasty self again but I'd had enough. So I asked him: "What's your fucking problem Shaglak? I'm a free woman and starting to become a pillar of Sadrith Kegran's community. Why are you still so unpleasant?"

Shaglak grunted and said: "It's nothing personal, girl. I'm just one of those orcs who get nicer with every cup of booze they drink. Do you want to give me a chance at Chitin & Flin?"

 _Getting tanked alongside Shaglak? Huh that would be a new one._ I thought. Then I said: "Okay I'll take you up on your offer Shaglak. But am I allowed to take my own drinks to Chitin & Flin? I still have this bottle of Kram Bam Bula."

Shaglak smiled from tusk to tusk. "That sounds great! And if Dalos starts nagging I'll give him a piece of my mind. My adopted brother he may be but that's where the obligations end."

We walked to the inn and sat down at a cosy little table to the left. I took the bottle from my backpack and unwrapped it from several layers of cloth. Didn't want to break _that_ precious bottle now did we? I poured us both our respective mugs and took my first gulp. _Oh blessed Sanguine!_ I got beet-red in the face, my eyes started to water and steam blew out of my ears. Master Yen-Ilu should be tried by a court for that!

Shaglak started to laugh and jeered: "You're a little virgin who can't hold her liquor!" But after _his_ first cup he started an emotional speech. "You know my actual name is Yarog gro-Shak. That was engraved on the dagger which was found alongside me. My birth-mother, she's been dumping me like garbage in a shrub near Narzulbur. That's where Bralys found me. He could have killed me; he could have raised me as a slave… But he brought me to Sadrith Kegran and consul Marisa Verendas adopted me. Marisa, she's a decent woman she is. Made me take up the slave trade. I owe her a lot. That was thirty years ago. But let me tell you a little secret: I'm getting too old and soft for abducting unsuspecting travellers. But when mother says 'Hunt them slaves…' I'm sorry for capturing _you_ for all it's worth."

I beamed and said: "That's the sweetest thing you've said up till now!" I finished my cup and got in the spirits. I shouted: "This evening calls for a song, Shaglak. It's an old drinking song from Cyrodiil. You'll _love_ it."

Then I started to sing and my voice got more slurred with every mug I drank.

 _In Cyrodiil, on the western plains_

 _Once upon a time and long ago._

 _There lived a bunch of noble knights_

 _who weren't scared of anything._

 _(chorus) Yes those were, yes those were, yes those were them famous knights of old. Drink they did, drink they did, those famous knights of old._

 _Look, I can't tell you all the stories_

 _of the knights and of their glories._

 _Because what they did and how_

 _is better suited for the late-late-show._

 _Nordic knight sir Yorleif_

 _had a tattooed Bosmer wife._

 _When he couldn't sleep at night_

 _he enjoyed the picture show._

 _Glorfindel lord paramount,_

 _mounted his horse the wrong way round._

 _Because he always wanted to see_

 _what went on behind of him._

 _On the tower there's a watchman_

 _scanning the horizon far._

 _That nothing and no one may dare_

 _to crap in his castle yard._

 _For breakfast, lunch and supper too_

 _they stuffed out like the well-to-do._

 _One of them has munched too much,_

 _ate until his belly burst._

 _Galant knight sir Alexander,_

 _he just loved to slide down the handrail._

 _At the lower end a nail stuck out_

 _since that day he sings in the little boys' choir._

 _(Meeh, meeh-meeh-meeeeh)_

 _When such a knight went on a journey_

 _he slapped his lady wife in shackles._

 _But crafty squire Frederic,_

 _the boy had a lock-pick._

 _Knightly miss Ethelward,_

 _she was pregnant from a Redguard_

 _But she said 'I don't care whether black or white'._

 _The main thing is, it's not an elf._

 _When such a knight did need to pee_

 _he took a leak inside his armour._

 _If the visor wasn't open_

 _that poor sod did have to drown._

 _Breton knight by the name of Neville_

 _boy he was such a gay devil!_

 _Built a wire in his ass_

 _that lightning may strike there from time to time._

 _When such a knight wanted to fuck_

 _he needed to climb out of his armour first._

 _He lost his lust over the ordeal._

 _That's why they're extinct today._

 _Yes those knights, they are no more._

 _They disbanded long ago._

 _Only the spirits of the latter_

 _may still haunt the crypts and barrows._

After I was hoarse as a Dunmer things started to become fuzzy and blurred. Shaglak went down to the counter to say something or other to Dalos. And tanked little me fainted.

When I woke up again I had an *EEEEP* effect. Huge mudcrab alert! But the critter was thankfully dead. I sat up with a start but regretted it instantly. My poor head almost split in two. _Ow! Looks like I overdid it last night._ I said this to myself. Then the Kram Bam Bula crept up my throat again and I retched into the nearby river. Note to self: never ever try to outdrink an orc again. I wiped my mouth and took a look around. Trees, lots of spruce trees, the artificial river, the glaring headlight… I was at the Dwemer farm. _Maybe I should ask Shaglak how I got here._ So I clambered to my feet and realized the trouble I was in. To get to the other side of the river I had to cross it on a fallen tree. Doing balancing acts while you are hung over? _That might prove problematic Agrippina…_

In the end, I opted against dignity, straddled the trunk and slid across it. Then I walked back to the main compound of Sadrith Kegran. The conversation with Shaglak proved to be _interesting._ He'd stumbled last night and cracked a tusk on the counter. Seemingly _I_ had transported him to Tamina Elenil on the back of a huge mudcrab. And Tamina had healed his tusk. What a story! Shaglak had gifts for me, too. He gave me 50 septims and three bottles of aged Orsimer whiskey. That utter bastard! I was still nursing my last intoxication and he gave me more booze. Now would you believe that?

I faked thankfulness and left to find master Yen-Ilu. Time to get sober again and nothing but science is best at that.

* * *

Author's notes the second: I made Slyboots responsible for the massacre at Shor's watchtower because in the game, there's no clue to who the real culprit is. So I blamed it on the poor, poor Halloween spriggan. Mean me!

The song that Agrippina sings is based on the infamous Bavarian drinking song "Ja so warn's die alten Rittersleut". Yup it's Oktoberfest time. This song was immortalized by the Bavarian boygroup "The Hotdogs". You may check it out on YouTube. But I warn you: You might not understand _one_ word they sing 'cause it's not just German, it's Bavarian dialect.


	22. The halls of lower Bkhalzarf

author's notes: Hi folks! It's time for a new chapter of Agrippina's adventures. She'll talk with master Yen-Ilu about her discoveries during field research and she will be sent to yet unexplored sections of Bkhalzarf. At least unexplored by _her._ And Slyboots will soon get a "rival". But 'nough said. Please read and review.

disclaimer: Project AHO is intellectual property of the modder Dimonoider. I only own my OC, Agrippina Valeria Tullius. And I don't write for profit.

* * *

The halls of lower Bkhalzarf or: how to programm a Dwemer cube

I found Slyboots rocking on an emperor parasol cap and beckoned her down to the ground. She screeched happily and jumped, landing with a thud. I said: "That's a good girl! Come on, it's adventure time." Maybe you start wondering why I was so cheery after a night of booze orgy. Well first of all, I had relieved myself via puking. Then I had bought a 'sour-salmon-sandwich' from Selveni Andavel. And that had helped a lot.

So me and Slyboots went to the mycelium and boarded the AHO. Master Yen-Ilu was on the lower deck, at the enchantment station. He was working on a piece of jewellery, a golden emerald ring and he used a black soul gem to put the hex on it. Why settle for anything less than the best?

I tapped him on the shoulder and said: "Hi master Yen-Ilu! I'm back from my trip to Avanchinzel and indeed I found something spectacular. Here, let me show you. I've made a sketch."

The Dunmer scholar turned around and raised an eyebrow: "I see… Well Agrippina, you've been busy in other fields as well. By now, all of Sadrith Kegran knows that you've been wasted as wasted can be. *harrumph* Poor Dalos and his staff… Believe it or not but they didn't want to hear anything about scrotum vermin big as canary birds. They'll be scarred for life!" he shouted.

I blushed to a deep shade of beet-red and said: "Whoops, it won't happen again! But back to my drawing: this looks like an awesomely impressive launching site to me." I gave the paper to master Yen-Ilu and he studied it carefully.

After some moments he said: "Yes, it _is_ a launching site. And it's controlled via Dwemer cube. Well I've _got_ one lying around but sadly it's blank. It needs to be programmed. You'll need a few knick-knacks and a special machine in lower Bkhalzarf to do that. I've written the process down in my research diary. Let's go to my bedroom…"

I must have given master Yen-Ilu a very funny look because he huffed in annoyance and said: "No, it's _not_ what you think! You should know me better than that. As I said, I've got my _diary_ there." So the situation should be totally harmless.

I followed master Yen-Ilu into his "sanctuary". There was a shelf for tools, a desk, his bed in an alcove, a soda drink machine (cool!), a jewellery display, a book shelf and a hearth among other furniture. He went to the desk, picked up a small leather-bound note book and handed it to me. On the desk also stood another of these Dwemer statues like the one I had found in the repository.

"There you are!" he said. "Everything you need should be written down here – plus some cautionary notes."

I leafed through the diary. *gulp* There was another prowler down in the animuncolatory. Just peachy! Then I made a mental shopping list. I needed three aetherium cores, five Dwemer metal ingots and three gold ingots. Then I needed to bring all this stuff to the melting facility (very cool architecture by the way). I should place the blank Dwemer cube in the socket, put the other things in the container and press the button to let the machine do its work. Simple, right? If it wasn't for the hordes of skeleton warriors and lesser animunculi…

Master Yen-Ilu gave me some final advice: "Go down where Shannath led you the last time but turn left at the canal. You'll come to the turbine hall first. Watch out! The beginning of lower Bkhalzarf is derelict and overgrown with colourful weeds. Oh and buy some healing potions. You might also need this. It's Shannath's transcription of the Dwemer alphabet." He handed me another book.

I thanked master Yen-Ilu and left the AHO. On my way to sera Elenil I met Ra'zhirra the Khajit rumour-monger. I paid him 20 septims and asked what the latest gossip was. "This one has heard strange news indeed. In the old Dwemer ruin beneath our feet, there's said to be a mechanical kitten. Very strange indeed! But Ra'zhirra won't dare to go down into the ruins, oh no sera." the cat-man purred.

I laughed some and said: "A mechanical kitten, suuure… Well at least it wouldn't have to be fed." Here I looked quite pointedly at Slyboots. I still hadn't forgiven her the slaughter at Shor's watchtower. She screeched indignantly and went on ahead of me. Then I said good-bye to Ra'zhirra and went on to sera Elenil's mushroom house.

The chit-chat with her was pleasant until she asked me what in Dagon's name had happened to her super-duper perfume. _Dang, busted!_ I thought.

"Well I let my father borrow it and he used more than was healthy and wrecked utter havoc on a peace conference. Let's leave it at that." I mumbled and shuffled my feet.

Tamina Elenil face-palmed and hissed a Dunmer curse. Then she grumbled: "It was a gift to _you_ personally. *sigh* But what's done is done. Well what do you need?"

"I'd like to have three potions of healing and one potion of strong healing. Oh and a chameleon potion!" I ordered.

"That would make 300 septims, discount included. And if you have any objections you could try to brew a decent healing potion on your own." the alchemist said.

I paid the money willingly because I thought back at my first tries at alchemy and winced. I had brewed a concoction on mother's hearth without testing the substances on an animal or – Divines forbid – me first. I had just made a tour of the garden and picked everything that looked pretty, put it in a pot and added generous amounts of water. The stuff started to boil, filled the kitchen with suspicious smells and I must have fainted at some point. Next thing I could remember was that I was lying on my bed and father and a priest of Arkay were both giving me a piece of their mind….

Ugh! Not my fondest childhood memory.

I said goodbye to sera Elenil. Then I left her lab and went to the dark corner of Sadrith Kegran where the entrance to the Dwemer ruins lay. There were various staircases, three all in all. But two had caved in and one of these "blind holes" was filled with water. So the only real entrance was this dark pit. I entered with Slyboots in tow. Today, I had bought provisions at Bralys Sendu's butcher shop because master Verendas might still react a tad bit cranky to my person…

The great canal of Bkhalzarf was as dank and overgrown as the last time. Lots of roots, little trumpet mushrooms, ferns, agavae and other merry weeds. We turned left and walked along the canal. There was no sudden feeling of fatigue anymore because I had long since parted with my dratted slave necklace. At a rather dark section of the walkway I noticed a door. Behind it was a small room with a stone table and a chest. It was locked but I had bought lock picks some while ago. So I fumbled a bit and suddenly the (rather simple) lock went *click*. Now what did we have here? Healing potion, orcish armoured boots, a scroll of harmony and the first gold ingot. That was easy. Then I walked further down the path. On my left, there was a kind of tunnel entrance. I heard the tell-tale scuttling and rattling of a Dwemer sentry machine. Something that looked like a large crossbow on legs left the tunnel. Slyboots shouted an alarmed *screech* and yanked me aside.

And not a moment too soon! A bolt the size of a small spear whizzed past me and hit one of the pipes with a metallic clang. _Okay Mr. heap-of-junk: that's a war declaration! The time for niceties is over._ I thought to myself. But how to defeat it? I needed to be very careful here lest I be skewered. So I used the time break spell of late Niden Milo to put things on slow-mo. As the Dwemer ballista moved like syrup on a pancake I studied it carefully for its weakest point. It turned out that this weak point was at the rear side and there the lower hull. _"Hmm this will need some acrobatics Agrippina…"_ I said to myself. Maybe a knee-dive and an upwards sword strike? Ouch! But that should be decidedly less ouch than getting skewered. Meanwhile time had slipped back to normal speed.

Slyboots wanted to charge the thing head-on with fire and wooden claws. But I shouted: "Slyboots wait! Don't fight it; just distract it."

She had understood me and screeched in acknowledgement. I quickly smeared Dwemer oil on the knee and shin protectors of my armour. Then I sprinted some steps and took the knee. Geronimooo! *skid* And then I brought my blade up with all the force of both hands. It made a rather pitiful dent but I managed to tilt the ballista forwards and it fell flat on its "face". The bolt it had just shot bounced back from the stone floor with enough force to break the shooting mechanism. Ugly creaking and snapping noises could be heard and screws, sparks and springs showered me in a small explosion. After this severe "accident" it was easy to fully disable the ballista. I took one of the huge bolts from the magazine and the great soul gem. There were after all still many spell tomes to print in the Great Hexagon Library. Then I and Slyboots passed through the door with the inscription… Gah, those Dwemer and their tongue-twister gobble-de-gock! Looks like deciphering the script got me nowhere. I looked in Yen-Ilu's manual. Oh it was supposed to mean "turbine hall". So turbine hall here we come!

xxx

At first this so-called hall didn't live up to its name. The corridors were derelict, full of fallen pillars and debris. Sometimes I had to climb over rubble or squeeze through narrow gaps. The corridors were overgrown with fungi and plant life, too. And there were skeleton warriors in little groups of three or five. Slyboots helped me to make short work of them. Then I came to a junction. There were doors or gateways in three different directions: left, right and straight ahead. I could also hear the stomping, creaking and rattling of massive Dwemer machinery nearby. Slyboots looked downright unnerved. On a stone table lay various Dwemer items like sealed melody cubes and a prowler aetherium core. I pocketed both. Then I walked into the left corridor. It sloped downwards and was soon submerged in ankle-deep water.

There were also skeleton warriors. Archers, sword fighters, flame thrower dudes… Again I and Slyboots turned them into heaps of bones on the floor. *splish-splash* _Great, now my feet are wet._ I thought to myself. There were so many trigger plates I had to sidestep as well. But the loot in the chests was worth it. I was filling my stock of Dwemer metal and gold ingots. Now I had two gold ingots and three Dwemer metal ingots. I left the drenched corridor and returned to the junction. The corridor straight ahead led upwards and ended in a circular dead end with yet more skeleton warriors. *sigh* That meant fighting _again._ But this dead end also held a stock of alchemy ingredients soured with the millennia of being hoarded. Then I went to the right door and came into the real turbine hall. WOW! Now here was a MACHINE if ever there was one. There were countless cogwheels, struts, pistons, casings, screws, rails… It nearly took up all the space in this damn huge hall. No wonder the thing made so much noise. Lots of water rushed down to the unfathomable floor from very wide pipes. There were gas lights in the walls, too.

But I and Slyboots were left with a tiny problem. How to go on from here? I mean: we _had_ to go somewhere. The noise of this gargantuan thingus would leave us both deaf in a matter of days. I inspected the platform carefully and my head nearly got razed by the outermost rotating wheel. Then I spotted a kind of "stairs" to the left and I use the term loosely. Really it was just a row of stone slabs protruding from the wall and leading downwards. No kriffing handrail of any kind. But it was the only way to go on. I had a hard time convincing a balking Slyboots to climb along. Once I was on the lower level, I wiped my brow. Phew! There was yet another stone table with its stone chair. Those Dwemer must have had callouses on their butts. _Maybe hen-eyes too?_ I mused. But the thickness of skin on the butts of certain deep elves was the least of my concerns. There was nothing special on the table apart from an empty common soul gem. I passed through yet another door. I tried to discern the writing but the different letters formed throaty gibberish again, like someone was retching on too large bites. Ah to Oblivion with this! "Animunculatory" stood in master Yen-Ilu's activation manual. So there would be hordes of Dwemer robots.

xxx

I and Slyboots had to tip-toe around trigger plates again. Then we turned left to a little storage room. A skeleton lay on the floor. The shelves were stuffed with knick-knacks and I could obtain the ingots that I still needed to "feed" the cube programming device. Now I only needed three aetherium cores. Apart from the skeleton the only other really noteworthy item in the storage room was a diary – likely that of the bone dude. I read it. Oh Mara, the poor sod! His name had been Raglof by the way. Apparently he'd been a mercenary burdened with the task of rooting out the vampires in Crovangr Cave. But the simple grunt hadn't even known the name of that place. He had gone on a blind search and witnessed Shaglak carrying slaves-to-be to Sadrith Kegran. Through a crack the hired blade had entered the upper cave of Sadrith Kegran. He took an instant dislike to the Dunmer residents and had avoided them at all costs. However he went to explore the ruins of Bkhalzarf. He had lost his way down here, gone insane and starved to death or fought his last stand. That wasn't quite clear. *shudder* Poor, poor guy! Maybe this was of interest for the Companions of Jorvaskr in Whiterun? Or Belrand at the Winking Skeever had known this Raglof? I put the diary in my already bulging backpack. At the same time, I dug out some snack for myself and a rare t-bone steak for Slyboots.

"Here you go girl!" I said and tossed the meat to her. She screeched a thanks and fed. After we had eaten and relaxed a bit we continued on our way. After some steps I heard that ground-shaking *stomp* again and immediately started to sneak and crouch. _That must be the other prowler that Yen-Ilu had written about!_ I said to myself. Thankfully, Slyboots took the hint and started to tip-toe. The noise came from somewhere to the right. We walked through a relatively small room cluttered with Dwemer machine parts, potions and alchemy ingredients. There also were a few chests. I didn't bother looting those with the threat nearby. The other niche was filled with a tiny alchemy lab. It looked different from the alchemy table of us later-born; it was a complicated machine. Maybe I should brew one or two healing potions? With a boss-fight looming on the gas light horizon, that seemed only wise. _Okay Agrippina, stick to common, tested ingredients. No need for experiments._ I unloaded a linen bag that contained my herbs and bugs and such. Blue mountain flower, wheat and a monarch butterfly wing made a healing potion – and a very fine one at that! I noticed that after tentatively licking a stain from my hand.

Then it was time to grab the proverbial bull by the horns. I drank some protective potions in advance and told Slyboots to "get ready to rumble". She scratched her head with a wooden claw. "Screech?"

"Prepare for a fight. There's yet another prowler nearby." I clarified. Then I remembered that Slyboots hadn't been present for the first fight against a prowler. "Aaah never mind. Just keep behind me." I said. I stepped through the gateway into a rather large hall and threw a fireball at the prowler to get its attention. I'd never have dreamed to think such a thing but praised be Mrs. Stentor and her lessons in destruction magic! The woman herself might be creepy but she was a good teacher at least. The fireball exploded on the hull of the prowler. The gargantuan war machine didn't even stumble. But now, I had its full attention – a dubious pleasure at best and a sure way to get myself killed at worst. Well I could always retreat to the tiny alchemy cabinet where the prowler couldn't reach me. His flamethrower however could! At least I thought it was a flamethrower. It was a truly impressive device mounted on its right arm. So I should avoid being cornered. My magicka had recharged and I changed to frost spells. Frostbite? Way too puny! Ice spike? Yep!

I danced around the now truly riled up prowler and pelted it with ice spikes. Soon, it looked like a rampaging brass hedgehog. But a hedgehog didn't *ROAR* with the volume of this animunculus. Really a standard Dwemer centurion was cute by comparison. But while I made such comparisons, I was distracted and the prowler sent me flying with a thrust of its mighty arm. "I believe I can fly. / I believe I can touch the sky. / Think about it every night and day / spread my wings and fly away…" _(Author's notes in between: Ah yes R. Kelly… May he rest in peace and shut up till the 12_ _th_ _of Never.)_ Why always me?! I landed on the wall and saw a whole galaxy of stars. Ouch! Now it was Slyboots to the rescue. Good little vampirized spriggan. She attacked the prowler with the flame stream spell as "drain life" would be pretty useless against a _machine._ In the meantime I slid down to the floor and popped my bones back in place. To add comfort I drank the strong healing potion. There, much better!

The dizziness had gone to rest and I could at least stand up again. After another of my home-brewed healing potions I felt about ten feet tall, ready to tear out trees – or take a prowler apart. If I could stab the orange glowing part of its chest with my makeshift spear, maybe it would do the job? But that meant close combat again. During all my musings Slyboots tried to roast the prowler, with precious little results. I had made my decision. Unluckily I couldn't communicate with Slyboots via writing right now. I ducked and sneaked up to the backside of the pretty distracted prowler. Climb a mountain of polished metal? I'd need a bit of help with that feat. I looked around the room. There were no heavy duty shelves I could climb on. But there was a walkway leading to the upper levels. If I timed this right, maybe I could sneak up there and jump on the prowler's shoulders from above? I sprinted past the *stomp-stomp-stomp* of the behemoth and reached the upper level. The prowler swerved its head and dumbly looked after me with its countless occulars. I could practically see the exclamation mark popping up above its head. On the gallery I tried to judge the distance between me and the prowler's shoulders. Then I jumped and landed just in the right spot. Ouch, my poor pelvis!

With one hand, I steadied myself and with the other I jammed the large bolt into the prowler's chest. A sound of breaking glass and sizzling sparks could be heard in the hall. I got smacked by electric current again. *FIZZ* I should really buy a pair of rubber gloves imported from Valenwood for such occasions one of these days… Yipes, I hate it when my hair stands on end. But I digress, back to the prowler. It started to stumble around like a drunkard which was kind of bad as I was still riding it piggy-back. So I decided to jump off but landed badly. My ankle went *snap* and I went *yowl*. _Agrippina Valeria Tullius this is most unfortunate._ I had to drink another healing potion to heal this sprained ankle. Slyboots had used up all her magicka so the fight was back to me. Luckily the prowler was in its death throes. It fell apart and the parts dropped on the floor. Phew! The gods-almighty crash echoed through the hall and I waited for the dust cloud to settle. Then we could take a more thorough look at the architecture.

Right at the entrance, a staircase descended to some lower levels. Then the well-known walkway led up to the gallery from which I had jumped. Up there stood another Dwemer stone table laden with junk of one kind or another. At the opposite end of the hall, another corridor led upwards. All things considered the layout was pretty chaotic. I chose to try the corridor first. It led to an alcove furnished with stone tables and some narrow metal shelves. The floor was riddled with trigger plates again. I felt like playing hop-scotch. But the riches spread out there were well worth the trouble. Now I had enough gold ingots to mould serjo Dwyn's amulet anew. On my way further up I passed some hatches and a sphere guard and Dwemer spider popped out. I took on the sphere guard and Slyboots charged the spider. She settled for brute force because her magicka still hadn't fully regenerated. She grabbed the spider by two of its metal legs and smashed it against the wall until it fell apart. The oil painted black smears on the wall and unfortunately the soul gem broke as well.

A few swings of my sword turned the sphere guard to junk as well. I searched the scrap and found a small can of oil. The path led further up into a cavern of natural rock. The end point was in front of a locked door. Hmm…adept level from the feel of it. It took me a while and some broken lock-picks but at last I had the blasted thing opened. The room behind it was nothing special. Some of the sturdy stone furniture, metal shelves and dressers, a chest: that was all. I found a silver necklace with a spotless sapphire and gave it to Slyboots. "Here's something shiny for your neck. " I said. Slyboots screeched in praise and donned the necklace. Yep, jewellery can even make a half-breed of draugr and dreugh look beautiful.

We went back down to the ground floor again where I looted the prowler for valuables. Now that I thought about it, it seemed that all the prowlers of Bkhalzarf had an individual blueprint. Then we went down the staircase. The "basement" was pretty spacious. We stood in a hall. On the left side a corridor led downwards. On the right side another smaller corridor lay evenly. I chose to turn right first. It was so typically Bkhalzarf. There were small to middle-sized glowing shrooms of nearly every shape and colour imaginable and moss. Lots of moss! Then the Dwemer interior with glaring gas lights and moth-eaten banners… Oh and there was another ridiculous amount of trigger-plates. Really how paranoid could the deep-elf-race have possibly been? Or were they all obliged to go to these special private schools where the kids get no grades but learn to dance their name while flaunting some ribbon? Nah, couldn't have been. Those people were known to hate cubes and rough edges. _(Author's notes in between: Yeah, eurhythmics suck! Even at the regular school I had to do this nonsense in sports class. At least I could weasel my way out of frolicking on the balance beam. A class mate broke her arm despite the mattress and that confirmed it to me: balance beams are not safe.)_ But I digress once more. There was one trigger-plate I missed and that one activated a mean oversized rake which whacked my backside. I was shoved forwards and *eeped* which alerted the couple of Dwemer sentinels that had lain in ambush.

Oh today was just not my day. First bodily remains of an unlucky merc, then a prowler and now this! But the good thing was that Dwemer sentinels aren't that tough. A few well aimed blows and they fell apart. In the rather cramped room after the rake trap there stood another set of Dwemer tables, their assembled riches and on the floor was another mine field of triggers. I asked Slyboots to stay behind and pocketed some scrolls, potion bottles and a "sealed melody of war". Dun-dun-dun… I returned to the junction with Slyboots in tow and we went down the other corridor. Here it was pop-up sphere guards and bone sentinels again. Oh for the love of…! This was starting to get old and tedious. We jumped to the "junk and bone meal production" once more. At the very end of the corridor I was faced with three doors. The left door was locked but the lock was of low quality. I broke it and found a tiny room with – surprise, surprise – another trigger-plate. Now really? I chose to leave the Dwemer chest alone and returned my attention to the middle door. There was another Dwemer writing engraved in the metal. I looked into Yen-Ilu's manual. Ah yes this door led to the labs.

Then I pushed the right door opened and looked into one of the most outlandish rooms I had ever seen. Most rooms – even Dwemer rooms – have a rectangular or cubic form. But this "room" was tube-shaped. The round walls were built of a skeletal structure, white light shining through the beams. Pot-shaped lamps were wrought upon these beams. I walked along the stone walkway and came to the cube activation station. _Okay Agrippina let's compare this with the manual._ The yellow glowing panel on the left was of no greater significance. The next machine was the cube port. I put the empty cube in the holding gateway. The whole array started to hum and glow blue-ish. So far so good. Right after the cube port came the button to get the whole thingus working. _Not yet Agrippina!_ The last part was the magical absorber that looked like an ordinary Dwemer chest.

I put the five Dwemer metal ingots and three gold ingots in there. Then I wanted to stuff the prowler aetherium cores into the absorber but the machine didn't like this. A red light began to flash and a horn started to blare. Then the absorber spit the prowler core out again. _Gah, stupid machine! What is wrong now?_ I thought. I looked into Yen-Ilu's manual again. Oh! The absorber was meant for _another_ kind of aetherium core, without metal casing and not so freakishly heavy as the prowler core. And this kind of core could be found in the labs of Bkhalzarf. *sigh* I wanted to collect the cube again but it wouldn't budge. _Fine stay where you are. It's not as if someone is going to steal you with dear old Shannath out of the picture._ So grumbling to myself I told Slyboots to please follow me to the next dungeon.

* * *

 _Author's notes the second: Oh the wonders of the Bkhalzarf dungeons! These Dwemer were indeed a tad bit crazy where trigger-plates are concerned. Alerting animunculi, activating rakes and spears just so your day doesn't feel boring. And speaking of outlandish: Kuovin Nrezalf's study will take the very definitions of "weird" to a whole new level! No place on Nirn like the "hall of spheres"! And don't even get me started on the super creepy "Sleeper's hall". But those are adventures for another day._

 _Sorry it took me so long to post this new chapter. But I'm kind of caught up in the pre-Christmas hype. We've had our first snow on 10/28/2018 but nothing much since._


	23. The rich and the creepy

Author's notes: Hi folks! Season's greetings and a happy new year to all of you. I'm getting in the spirit with medieval-style Christmas markets and the likes. My mother has even sewn me a historical gown with matching headdress. Meesa be playing noble Miss Kunigund sulking on her turret, yup-yup! But back to the story…

Agrippina will explore the rest of the Bkhalzarf dungeons. I decided to write two separate chapters about that because the complex is so kriffing HUGE. She will visit the labs, a treasure vault and the super creepy "sleeper's hall". And she'll meet a new buddy inspired by Star Wars obviously. *hint-hint* Please read and review.

disclaimer: Project AHO belongs to the modder Dimonoider. I'm only "borrowing" his characters but Agrippina Valeria Tullius is my OC.

* * *

The rich and the creepy

I passed through another bronze door engraved with the script… Well Yen-Ilu translated it as "laboratories". The entrance was a pretty wet experience once again. Two thousand years – give or take – of Dwemer absence so no one had deigned to repair that leaky pipe. *sigh* The animunculi in this section seemed to have protective duties first and foremost. Not like in the aetherium abyss or Little Apokrypha. And there were trigger plates again, those mean little squares among the floor tiles. Did I already mention how much I'd grown to hate them? They could call all sorts of hurts and nuisances down on us, be it oversized rakes, spears, rotating blades or hostile animunculi. So me and Slyboots tip-toed around them. The corridors went in two different directions. One sloped downwards straight ahead and the other turned right. I chose to explore the latter first.

It was pretty short and led to another bronze door which I pushed open…and promptly gawked again. I stood at one narrow end of a rectangular hall though the word "narrow" would be misplaced _here._ The hall was large, very large and multi-storied. But at the same time it was very derelict already. The lower levels were all but inaccessible. But the most dominant feature of this hall was its sheer _brightness._ At the far end, nested among the roots of Tel And, lay an artificial Dwemer sun on a mound of debris. _(author's notes in between: It's the same device as in the Blackreach dungeon of the vanilla game, just not suspended over the Silent City but lying on the ground.)_ This was worth taking a look at.

So I went along the metal walkway on the left side and another thing went *click*. Two hatches promptly opened and spit out Dwemer sphere guardians. Urgh! Me and Slyboots had to fight again but the fight was short. Then I continued. At the other end of the hall, the light was nearly blinding. Fascinating! I felt the sudden urge to explore this very decorative orb of yellow light, glass and metal wreaths. I was already underway to jumping across to the roots of Tel And when Slyboots grabbed me by the collar and – with no shy gestures – told me what she thought of my antics. Meh! Now I would never now whether the artificial sun was hot or cool to the touch.

After pouting for a few seconds I discovered an empty socket on the wall. Hmm, empty socket…? I still had that lever from the upper levels somewhere in my backpack. I rummaged around among my things and finally found it. A long Dwemer lever; it fit the socket on the wall perfectly. I turned the lever down and across the hall, a seemingly solid section of the wall slid up with not so much as a peep. The gears must have been oiled decently for once. I beamed at Slyboots and asked: "Do you think what I am thinking?"

Slyboots made a sound somewhere between a groan and a yowl. Then she vehemently shook her head embers flying every which way.

I nudged her and said: "Come on this will be fun!" Slyboots peeled a piece of charcoal from her most damaged wood and wrote _'famous last words'_ on the wall.

I rolled my eyes, huffed and walked on ahead of her. At the right side of the hall, there was a matching walkway with matching trigger plates. I sidestepped them and went through the secret door. Behind it lay a natural tunnel sloping downwards. Slyboots followed me, grumbling and moping. We came into a room all hewn into the rock. Its floor was hidden beneath an ankle-deep carpet of mist. There were short stairs up to a gallery on the left hand side and right hand side. And there were Dwemer arches all around. I wanted to walk across the room but hastily withdrew my foot again. The shifting mist had revealed trigger plates, lots of trigger plates! The whole fucking floor was nearly paved with them. Just my day!

I sighed and turned back to Slyboots: "O.k. I admit this won't be as much fun as I expected. You'd better wait here until I give the coast-is-clear signal."

Slyboots' face was as grisly as ever but I could have sworn to all the 16 Deadric princes that she wore a smug 'I-told-you-so'-expression. Then she nodded and kept rooted to the spot – literally. Maybe that was her way to get a drink.

I had to plan each step carefully. And so I crept across the room with wide, yet carefully measured strides "like the stork in the lettuce". _(author's notes in between: Does any of you still remember the children's activity game "Twist"? Or was it only distributed in Germany? There was this large carpet with the large dots of different colours and a matching ball-sized dice. You had to spread your limbs all over the carpet according to the colour of the throw. And it wasn't just you bending your body in ways it was never meant to. There were a whole lot of other kids participating as well. It certainly was a fun experience unlike the plight Agrippina has to go through.)_

It was very hard to find a safe spot on the floor and the rolling mist didn't help one bit. _Left, right, double left, traverse… and for Julianos' sake don't stumble Agrippina!_ By the time I had made it across to the other side – safely! – I was sweating like a bristle-back. I walked through a portal into a smaller room and found another lever probably meant to undo the trigger plates. I pulled it and was promptly rewarded with a gods-almighty cacophony of rattling, snapping and clanking. Yep, I had definitely broken _something!_ I walked back to the room and tested my theory by deliberately stepping on a trigger plate. It clicked but then nothing bad happened. I had done the job and yelled to Slyboots: "Oi you may follow now. It's safe!"

And so she followed me. Out of curiosity we went up to the gallery and my expression turned horrified and then relieved. The whole gallery was littered with now dysfunctional Dwemer sphere guards. I counted 22 junk heaps all in all. If I had made _one_ wrong step, this mechanical mob would have hacked us to pieces in a matter of seconds. Maybe I should light a candle to Nocturnal in the near future. On second thought, no candle because the patron Daedra of the thieves hates light. Maybe search for her shrine and pimp it with some hagraven feathers? But such pious vows could wait. There was a secret to discover. No one within their right mind would provide this much protection for just a gnawed apple core after all.

I went back to the smaller room and had a good look around. Gods be praised I had just cracked the jackpot! Whoever upper Dwemer echelon had designed this hidden chamber, he had been indecently wealthy. There were heaps and mounds of gold coins everywhere (enough to sustain the Imperial legion in Skyrim for half a year at least), Dwemer weapons, ingots of precious metals, a golden statue of Dibella, great soul gems and mighty soul gems, another one of these cogwheel-shaped aetherium statuettes and a strange little Dwemer machine for purposes yet unknown.

It was made of metal like almost every other Dwemer artefact. But I had a hunch that this was something unique. It had a handle with a profile of forged ridges and dents in order to get a better grip on it. On said handle also was a button. A more or less square appendage was attached to the handle. The surface was inlaid with black glass. From this apparatus, a thin long rod stuck out and the thing was also adorned with yellow and green gems. Were these really gems? Sweet Divines what _was_ this thing?! _Well there's only one way to find out Agrippina._ I said to myself. So I carefully picked it up and went back to the "fore-room". Then I pointed the rod at a Dwemer arch and pressed the button. _Here goes nothing._

I almost dropped the device as it came to life. It started to shake in my hand like a wishing rod. The "gems" were clearly lights that pulsed now. And flashing white _somethings_ appeared on the shiny glass surface. A pale green mist appeared on the floor and balled itself into… _That's it, I quit!_ My mind decided and I fell flat on my butt in stupefaction. My first impression was: sphere guardian. _Shit, shit, shit!_ Then I looked more closely. It was _not_ a sphere guardian but something new altogether. Well it was round as well but had a bulge on the upper side, like a little dome on a ball. Out of that little dome two antennae protruded. In the upper centre of this "I-don't-know" sat a round lens of black glass with a ring of orange stripes that turned on and off constantly. Smaller lenses and lights were next to that eerie "eye". Then it _chirped and babbled!_ Not like a bird or a baby but ways more complex. But for all its strangeness this machine didn't seem to be hostile.

So I held Slyboots back as she wanted to go into "full-spriggan-violence"-mode. I said: "Hey Slyboots, would you _please_ take it easy? Whatever this is it seems to be harmless." And Slyboots complied thankfully.

I bent down in front of this very special animunculus and spotted Dwemer letters engraved on it. _Okay, maybe my former master Selthrie's work will come in handy here. Yen-Ilu obviously didn't know about this guy._ I deciphered the writing. S like skooma. N like Nirn. I like imperial. Double P like Potema. Y like Ysgramor. I laughed as I strung the letters together. "Your creator really named you Snippy? Aaww, you poor thing!"

*chirp-chirp beep* And this time it _did_ sound peeved. Then an unbidden and very strange realization dawned on me. _Like in Star Wars. Wait, what am I thinking? Why should the constellations be at war? (Author's notes in between: Well Agrippina that's a long story for another day. It starts with: 'Many millennia ago, in a galaxy far, far away…)_

I asked: "Well Snippy care to join us? We were looking for some small aetherium cores when we found this amazing hoard down here."

This time enthusiastic chirping followed. I took it as a "Yes". But Slyboots started to growl and with one wooden claw and her charcoal she scribbled _"Absolutely_ _not!_ _"_ on the stone wall.

I was a bit taken aback by such a reaction. So I asked: "Why not? What's your problem Sly?"

"It's a _machine._ It's unnatural. _"_ Slyboots wrote on the wall as if that would make everything clear.

I shook my head in utter disbelief and said: "And so are _you_ Slyboots. Forgive me for having to point that out but your transformation was a crime against nature, too. When I welcome Snippy to the team I mean it. End of the discussion. Snippy come. Care to give us a bit more of light?"

More chirping followed and something like a candlelight spell appeared over Snippy's head. Then I took the statue of Dibella and the aetherium cogwheel from the hoard and all three of us went back to the lab.

xxx

I had had some mind-boggling revelations in forging and sound waves again. As it became clear to me the Dwemer cubes shining with lights of green, red, pink and other colours were used for spell-tome-printing. The plain Dwemer cubes were used for entertainment. And here I thought the Dwemer were like "All work and no play makes Zenithar a dull boy." Looks like I was dead wrong! There must be a recreation centre around here. I just hadn't found it yet. What I _did_ find was more trigger plates and Dwemer sentinels. Those things must have been the result of some really ruthless research. I mean skeletons cross-wired with mechanical limbs? From the perspective of Arkay and his devout worshippers it was at least "questionable".

And these dudes were quite frankly annoying. During those fights I noticed that Snippy wasn't all that harmless. True, its constructor had designed it as some kind of cute butler obviously. A cute butler with an electrocution device… Anyone or anything that wanted to mistreat Snippy bodily was in for a shocking surprise. *bzzz* So I danced around a lot of trigger plates, skimmed the chests for valuables such as soul gems from tiny to black and finally found the lesser aetherium cores needed for programming a Dwemer cube. Then I whisked a key away from a table, walked into yet another side room and got the scare of my life. I came face to face with a glass window and a metal fence. So far, so innocent. But behind it I could see a VUF frozen stiff by some unholy Dwemer trick. Well VUF is my abbreviation for "very ugly fish". It was sticking its horrific face against the glass complete with large protruding eyes, opened maw with very pointy teeth oh and all those spiny tentacle appendages around said maw. *shudder*

Even Slyboots balked at the sight. I sincerely hoped that this specimen numbered amongst the extinct beasts. But then again: only some select few shipwreck-raiding Argonians had probably ever seen the bottom of the Sea of Ghosts. _Maybe I should ask THEM just to be sure._ I discovered another alchemy lab with slightly old-fashioned ingredients. _Hurp I'm going sick…_ The rancid aroma of all these ancient powders, herbs and other organic matter was almost too much to bear.

I wrapped a protective cloth around my nose and mouth, mixed some simple health potions, stamina and magicka potions and then I went back on my way towards the animuncolory. But something kept disturbing the peace. Well that "something" proved to be Slyboots and Snippy making each other's life a living Oblivion. Finally I had enough.

I turned around and yelled: "Ladies and bolt-men! Would you _please_ behave. And by "behave" I mean no more provoking, no more shock-rod prodding and no game of stares. Ugh look: We should form a team. Slyboots is great at destruction magic and scaring the crap out of any evil-doer we may or may not meet. Snippy's set of skills is more on the technical and scholarly side. Together we will rock all of Mundus, maybe even some plain of Oblivion. But we have to work together for that. Did I make myself clear?"

Snippy uttered a shrill and distressed *beep* Slyboots was grumbling with her rough voice. Okay, so friendly – or at least professional – relations might take a bit longer to set in. Who was I fooling? But they would at least be civil during the next half an hour or so. I didn't go back to the Dwemer cube programming port right away. I wanted to make a detour to this fabled "sleeper's hall" from Yen-Ilu's diary first. Maybe another adventure would forge a bonding between my newfound entourage? We passed through the door and I froze dead in my tracks once again. This hall was similar to the one before only in size. It sent out a quiet and very spooky vibe. The hall was gloomy with spots of a pale blue light coming from the gas lights. Like with all the Dwemer architecture, metal and stone were the main building materials. But here they were combined with unbreakable glass. I chose to look at the left side of the room first.

There were little rooms or rather cells along the walls. Behind the glass I could see the typical metal arch for inactive centurions. But the inmates or patients in these cells were anything but typical. The first cell held a… _What the fuck is THAT Agrippina?!_ Okay, I didn't think this was a creature belonging on Mundus. It had a kind of arms but no legs whatsoever. Its "body" consisted of ragged black *ahem* spider silk? Or ghost matter? _My guess is as good as yours._ The head was crowned with four tentacles and the beard also consisted of tentacles. And it had two mouths for Kynareth's sake! One in the normal position where you'd _expect_ a mouth and another placed vertically on its "chest" of all places. This really was as creepy as creepy could get. _Yuck, maybe I'll find something about this monster in works about the Deadra and the planes of Oblivion. Like "Variations of the Deadra" or other occult books._ The other cells held skeletons and shrivelled mummies, probably Dwemer who had never received a wake-up call. Oh there also was the odd werewolf. It had nearly smashed its cryopod to shards. Dark spider web cracks were showing on the glass. The werewolf looked absolutely _livid_ snarling and punching with its paws.

We hastily turned away and ran into a still active nuisance: another ballista animunculus. So here was our chance to try our team-play or lack thereof. Some sword swings of little old me, distressed Snippy-wailing and electrocution and Slyboots fire rampage later...the ballista was broken. I dusted my hands off and went to the back of the hall. Pushing another door open I came into a smaller room with some stone tables and trinkets. Soul gems, scrolls and potions all landed in my backpack. Speaking of soul gems: Snippy made quite the show of insistent beeping and held out a pincer-like metal arm.

"You want this soul gem?" I asked.

*beep-beep chirp!*

"All right you can play with it. Here you go." I said and handed the common soul gem to Snippy. The animunculus let the soul gem disappear into its "body" and chirped another complex sequence. The rest of the sleeper's hall was hidden behind a curtain of moss but I decided to call it a day after activating yet another trap. Argh, if I ever got my hands on the last Dwemer alive I would slap him left and right until he'd bee cross-eyed and tomato-red in the face. But that would put me in a spot of bother with a certain Divayth Fyr. Probably not the very best idea. *cough-cough*

So I had to forego my revenge fantasies and go back to the animuncolory. I went down to the cube programming station, dropped the three aetherium cores in the container, placed the blank cube in the socket and pressed the button. This time, the machine did its duty. It shook and made all sorts of noises and the cube turned bright blue. Mission accomplished! The cube holder let go of the work piece so I could put it in the backpack again and we returned to the turbine hall, then to Bkhalzarf and _then_ to Sadrith Kegran. Snippy showed another one of its abilities. It started very penetrating beeps at regular intervals and I could see red mists in hidden shafts and hatches. An enemy tracking spell borrowed from the good old school of alteration! That was definitely worth something. Snippy would be handy to have around and master Yen-Ilu's jaw would probably hit the floor in surprise. Maybe I could use Snippy to spook poor old Shannath Selthrie as well? Oh the possibilities!

* * *

 _author's notes the second: It will take some time before the three heroes can act as a professional team and NOT work against each other. Well Slyboots is clearly not a happy vampire spriggan. But the launching of the AHO gets ever closer, just some last safety measures for Tel And. Sure you can skip that part but then you'll incinerate all of Sadrith Kegran during the launch thereby committing genocide. Not nice, not nice at all!_


	24. Some last (tedious) safety measures

author's notes: Hi folks! We are nearing the end of Agrippina's adventures. Yes certainly, definitely and in any case! [forceful nodding] Maybe some day I'll write a sequel. But there's still another Dawnguard-based work that I've got hanging on hiatus.

Anyhow… In this chapter, Yen-Ilu and Agrippina will brood and plot over the safest way to launch the AHO. Especially for Yen-Ilu, preserving Sadrith Kegran is a matter of the heart. Well he's the odd one out in great house Telvanni. The other wizard lords and ladies are mostly infamous for their ruthlessness. Or craziness, as in former master Selthrie's case.

disclaimer: Project AHO is intellectual property of the modder Dimonoider. I merely "borrow" his characters. Agrippina is my OC though. But now, back to the story.

* * *

Some last (tedious) safety measures

Being back in Sadrith Kegran was still somewhat dazzling. Oh those colours! And I had a sizeable entourage now. Okay, I admit it: I'm exaggerating here. The gang consisted of one Agrippina Valeria Tullius, Slyboots and Snippy – our mechanical whelp, kiddo whatever. Wasn't there an old saying: "Two is company, three's a crowd"? And said crowd could be…bothersome when infighting.

*Chirp-chirp-hoot* That was Snippy's part.

*screech!* came the reaction of Slyboots. I think it was an offended screech.

I stopped dead in my tracks, tapped my foot for a few moments, then I turned around. "Are you still continuing this stupid nature-versus-mechanics discussion? Well guess what? I've got it up to here!" To emphasize that last sentence, I put my outstretched hand against my nose. "Snippy: I will dump _you_ at master Selthrie's. I hope you don't mind entertaining a confused old Dunmer wizard who's locked up for his own safety."

Snippy reacted with a series of mournful hoots.

"As for _you_ Slyboots, you will help me with any further wild goose chases that master Yen-Ilu might still have in store for us." That being said I led them both to master Selthrie's mushroom house. The chimneys had stopped spewing rainbow-coloured smoke which I found kind of sad. Now it was just the ordinary, ugly soot colour. I stepped through the door. The interior looked a lot tidier compared to the last time I'd been there. No more diary pages and Dwemer machine parts scattered all over the place. The junk had all been piled in one place. And I had "confiscated" the diary pages. Maybe some last puny attempt to save master Selthrie's dignity?

Speaking of master Selthrie… He was still in the back of the house, in Rasputin's old cage. I neared the cage carefully and it took a while until my former owner noticed me. He looked cleaned-up and his chamber pot was empty. That ginger beard and re-grown hair were well-groomed. A well-meaning Morag Tong (Signs and wonders _do_ still exist!) had given a Dwemer riddle cube to the old mer. Master Selthrie was trying (in vain) to find the right sequence. Then he gave up and spotted me.

His facial expression turned to a scowl. " _You!_ You insolent, good-for-nothing…", he started to rant.

I sighed and prepared for a long-winded piece of verbal abuse. His charm hadn't changed _one bit_ it seemed. But then his expression turned mortified. "Divayth Fyr! By the Three, I didn't recognize you. Please don't ban me to the Deadlands."

 _Divayth Fyr? What the heck?!_ I didn't know whether to feel flattered or annoyed. He mistook me for probably the most powerful mage that ever walked on Nirn. Divayth Fyr: inventor of opposite-gender-clones, instant teleportation to Oblivion and mentor of many Telvanni upstarts. Okay, that was really master-Selthrie-weird. Even more so, since Divayth Fyr was said to have perished in the Oblivion Crisis. Or was that bit a rumour?

Anyhow I really didn't want to play along with Shannath Selthrie's hallucinations. So I said: "Flattering as this may be, but no: your first guess _was_ right. It's still me, annoying, rebellious Agrippina Valeria Tullius. I just wanted to see how you're doing in there. And I've got a surprise for you."

"Another home-made tranquilizer? You won't force me to drink it this time. No you won't." master Selthrie whined and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

I rolled my eyes and answered: "No, it's not a concoction. I found something really cute and really awesome in the dangerous left wing of the Bkhalzarf dungeons. Snippy roll over here! Say hello to Shannath Selthrie."

Snippy came rolling out of master Selthrie's bedroom beeping and whirring all the way. What it had been doing in said bedroom is anyone's guess… As soon as it was in sight of the cage master Selthrie almost freaked out.

He flailed his hands about, shrieked some gibberish and bounced up and down and bumped his head as he overdid it. Yep, definitely excited! After that outburst master Selthrie had enough sense to talk common tongue again.

"Ow, my head! I've _read_ about those advanced animunculi but I've never seen a prototype with my own eyes. This is… It must be worth a fortune, one of a kind and so on. What can it do? Is it a force to be reckoned with?"

Suddenly I had serious misgivings about lending Snippy to master Selthrie. I didn't want to return and find Snippy in bits and parts, taken apart because that idiot Telvanni was looking for a BIG FUCKING GUN! _(author's notes in between: Being a grown woman in my thirties, I think I can make a confession. My gaming career started with the wonderfully annoying, gory ID Software classics "DOOM II" and "QUAKE II" back in the late 90's. Oh those were the days of stroggs and demons! *nostalgic sigh*)_

So I tried to play Snippy's skills down. I said: "Oh it's not much this cuty can do. It's just able to light a headlight and spot enemies via radar. Please don't take it apart. I'll keep the controller just to be sure."

To Snippy I said: "Be a good little animunculus and stay in this house. I've got to go back to my adventures." Snippy hooted mournfully but obeyed. I said farewell to master Selthrie and left the mushroom house. Then I walked through Sadrith Kegran towards the tunnel to the Dwemer farm and mycelium. Some distance away I could see darling Evo Mils limping around town. It seemed like the rabid betty netch had tossed him around so badly that the handicap was lasting. I still couldn't find _any_ semblance of pity for the assassin in my heart. I went through the Dwemer hall and took the elevator down to the mycelium cavern. This huge space full of twisted emperor parasol roots still put me to wonder.

Faithfull Slyboots was always at my heels. I entered the AHO through the hatch and went looking for master Ilu. I found his custom made light Telvanni armour of Dwemer metal and cloth draped over a chair. And Yen-Ilu was sitting in the room-sized bathtub and…oh Dibella! I hastily closed my eyes and blushed. Just a glimpse of what he'd done to himself, made my skin crawl. Ugh, just because you can _do_ science doesn't mean you have to go through with every last risky experiment. I cleared my throat and called: "Hey master Yen-Ilu! I'm back from Bkhalzarf and yes I _did_ fill the control cube. Had to deal with another prowler though and I found the mortal remains of a certain mercenary named Ranulf. Poor dude lost his way in the animuncolory, went insane and starved. May he rest in peace. I also found a hidden treasure vault. Maybe I should make Shaglak a happy orc."

Master Yen-Ilu yelped and grabbed a towel. Then he said: "Go ahead down into my lab, would you? I'll follow you once I am decent." I turned on the spot and went through a pale blue portal to the upper level of the AHO. Okay, master Yen-Ilu's bedroom had been to the right. So his lab was the left room. Now I remembered: I had _been_ to both locations before. But the long stay in Bkhalzarf had dimmed my memory a bit. In master Yen-Ilu's lab there was an alchemy station, a glass-front locket for storing ingredients, several safes, a weapons rack with just about every two-handed blade in Skyrim, a large Dwemer vessel holding staffs and spears, and an enchanting station with a soul gem chest nearby. There also was a sitting area with those damn uncomfortable stone chairs and a table. I sat down and waited for master Yen-Ilu.

He came soon, fully dressed but his ears twitched so he probably still felt a bit awkward. I rose and my sore butt made some popping noises. Then I said: "Sorry that I waltzed in like a bull on your leisure time. I should have been knocking."

Master Yen-Ilu gave me an eerie one-and-a-half-eyed look. Then he asked jovially: "Knocking on _what_ exactly? The layout of the AHO is a very advanced Dwemer style. There are no two-winged doors in here. And you took the 'situation' in stride. Besides I _know_ I'm hardly appealing."

I winced at his choice of words. "Yeah it was quite the shock." I admitted. "What possessed you and master Selthrie to…?" I helplessly waved my hands about.

"Mutilate ourselves? That's what you wanted to say, wasn't it? Well, I already told you I'm against slavery and this lead to _not_ using slaves as test subjects. Shannath took me for a sissy because I refused – and still refuse – to buy a person from Shaglak's counter. But I still wanted to test some Dwemer mechanics and how they were said to be superior. So I used my own person as a field of research. And I must say there are some awesome advantages. But I digress. You didn't come to the AHO to discuss ethics with me,"master Yen-Ilu said.

Well that one was true. He had sent me on an errand. I rummaged around in my backpack and after a while my fingers closed around the control cube. "Got it!" I cheered and handed the thing over to master Yen-Ilu with a flourish.

Master Yen-Ilu took the cube and held it in front of his artificial eye. After some thorough scrutiny, he said: "Yes the Dwemer matrix seems to be in order. Now be a dear and tell me what the list of destinations contained again."

Again I searched my backpack. Ugh, with the state it was in, no wonder some people take to calling their bag or backpack a "portable slum"! I leafed through my collected writings until I had the right page. It was filled with master Selthrie's scrawl. I read out aloud: "Alftand, Avanchinzel, Tower of Mzark, Reachwind Eyrie, Deep Folk's Crossing, Nchardak."

Yen-Ilu sighed and said: "This will take some time to feed them all into the control cube. The six locations are miles apart. Nchardak isn't even on the mainland! The 'city of the hundred towers' is a Dwemer ruin on Solstheim. But good work Agrippina, very good work. Please leave the list with me. I will also look around if I've got a reward for a pretty girl lying in my safes. Something shiny but useful?"

I blushed a bit and said: "No need to reward me! Don't you see my bulging backpack? I discovered a secret Dwemer treasury in the Bkhalzarf laboratory. It was protected with a mean mine-field of trigger plates but I managed to make it past them without attracting any animunculi. The riches stored there… Well the amount of coins and soul gems, jewels and ingots was staggering! I will make Shaglak a very happy orc so maybe he can lay the slave business low and retire. He isn't getting any younger after all! But that list… Yay, we could travel to Solstheim without having to deal with Gjalund Salt-Wise on the Windhelm docks. That would be great."

Master Yen-Ilu looked at me with… Was that wounded pride? Oops! Then he coughed and said: "That's good to hear. But you should lay back on the boasting. Well I need some time to program this control cube. In the meantime, _you_ could help me with a solution for the little fungus root problem the AHO has. I'll need three prowler cores and 10 Dwemer metal ingots. The ingots shouldn't be a problem. There's junk scattered over all of Sadrith Kegran. And you've slain enough prowlers to last you a lifetime so take them apart and bring me their aetherium cores please. I'm gonna make portable aetherium generators."

Oh joy, more work! But if it made launching the AHO safe it was fine with me. So I said: "O.k. I'll go. I still have to forge a new amulet for Maren Dwyn so I can use the furnace for that, too. And then I'll go over to Shaglak's." Then I said farewell and left for the main cave of Sadrith Kegran, collecting Dwemer struts, bent plates and other animunculus parts left and right.

 _Ugh, mesa be overloaded packhorse!_ I thought to myself. The next stop was the forge. First I took a gold ingot, a silver ingot and a flawless amethyst from my pack. Then I made a mould out of wax that I dusted with a layer of sand. Then I melted the ingots in the furnace, put one a leather apron and some heavy duty gloves and poured the liquid metal in a cast-iron bucket and from the bucket into the mould.

Now I had to wait for the alloy to cool down. In the meantime I melted down the junk into 10 Dwemer metal ingots and let _them_ cool as well. Then I dug the new pendant out from the ground and pushed the flawless amethyst in its spot. Perfect!

Then I went searching for serjo Dwyn. Luckily he was practising his aim right in front of the Sendu butcher shop and residence. And that was only a stone's throw away from the forge. I coughed to gain Maren Dwyn's attention. He looked around, spotted me and put his elven bow away. "Oh hi there, Agrippina!" he greeted me.

"Hello serjo Dwyn." I greeted back. "I've made a new pendant for you. Here it is. You only need a string or chain to prepare it for your sweetheart." I handed the amulet over to him.

Maren Dwyn beamed from ear to pointy ear and blushed a shade of dark grey. "Wow this is gorgeous! Aryni will be swooning." he exclaimed. He went to draw out his purse but I stopped him.

"It's all right serjo Dwyn. Keep your money. I found a treasure of my own." I said and gave him a sly wink.

The hunter's apprentice cocked an ear and said: "Well that's _generous._ If you don't want money, maybe you'd like to witness how I propose to Aryni. You know…make my serious intentions known. But please keep to the background."

I smiled at serjo Dwyn and said: "It would be an honour for me. Do you want to propose to Aryni right away?"

"You bet!" Maren Dwyn cried and nodded furiously. I grinned and followed him. "Aryni is not home. She must be somewhere around Sadrith Kegran." So we went searching and found her by the wooden dummies where she practised close combat with her daggers, surely gifts from her old man. I hid behind a mushroom stem and played spy.

Serjo Dwyn walked closer to the dummies and coughed, just like _I_ had done some moments before. Aryni turned around and smiled. She kept her exterior close to family traditions. She had a half-shorn head of black hair and wore black face-paint: curved stripes around her left eye and "interrupted" stripes on her right cheek. Maren Dwyn wore reddish face-paint matching his ginger hair. Aryni wore her fur armour. Maren wore a boiled leather cuirass.

"Maren! To what do I owe you the pleasure? Please don't tell me dad's deep in his cups again. Dalos will _ban_ him from Chitin & Flin one of these days." Aryni groaned.

Serjo Dwyn waved her fears away. "No, no. I didn't find your old man staggering around town. Soon he will be _my_ old man, too. Or at least I hope so." Then he bent down on his knees, presented the amulet to Aryni and asked: "Aryni, daughter of Bralys and Linabi Sendu, will you marry me?"

Aryni paused for a moment. Then her eyes narrowed and she all but hissed: "Only if you forget that nonsense about buying a pleasure Khajit or going on a holiday to Elsweyr! Yes, I overheard you and Dalos. Come on, I'm a _hunter's_ daughter! I was taught how to stalk prey, so I was taught how to sneak." Then her expression became much gentler. "Still this is awfully cute of you and the pendant is amazing. Thank you so much!"

Maren Dwyn blushed almost black, stood back up and hung the precious pendant around Aryni's neck. "Okay so I solemnly swear there will be no mistress of whatever kind in our household." He raised his right hand and proclaimed: "In the face of gods and mortals, in front of spirits seen and unseen, by the ash that made us…"

Aryni interrupted him laughing. "It's okay sweetheart, I believe you. You don't have to rattle the whole oath down. And I gladly accept your proposal. Now let's find father. Blessed Tribunal, I hope he's in a state where he can string two sentences together." That being said, Aryni hooked her arm into Maren Dwyn's arm and together they left the training area. I laughed into my fist. Yep, Maren Dwyn would definitely have his hands full with this woman!

I walked back to the town's centre and turned to Shaglak's mushroom house with the cage outside his door. Then I slid my backpack off my back and stepped over the threshold. Shaglak stood behind the counter and was his usual ill-tempered self. He was brooding over his account ledger and didn't even look up. Instead he muttered: "Cliff racer plumes! Where the heck am I supposed to get them as the whole kriffing _species_ was hunted to extinction?! Oh Tamina Elenil and her fancies. She'll bring this old orc to his grave one of these days."

I grinned and heaved my heavy backpack up and dumped it on the counter, right on Shaglak's ledger. He finally looked up, likely to start an indignant rant about messing with his accounting. Then he recognized me and rumbled: "Oh it's you Agrippina! So you did survive the tasks that master Ilu set out for you? Must say I'm surprised. But I'm a very busy orc right now so either buy something or leave."

I tried to keep a somewhat friendly smile on my face. This was just the way Shaglak _was._ Couldn't be helped… So I said: "Buying? Not this time, slave-monger. But I've got _lots_ of stuff to sell, high-end quality stuff! Though nothing quite as exotic as cliff racer plumes, I'm afraid."

Then I untied the flap of my backpack and spread the riches of Bkhalzarf out before Shaglak. By the time I placed the golden idol of Dibella down, the orc was practically drooling. There it stood in company of one Dwemer cogwheel statuette and other priceless antiquities.

Shaglak looked me straight in the face; he blew out a breath and shuffled one meaty foot along the floor. Then he grumbled: "Oof! Girl you're going to make me a piss-poor Orsimer if I were to pay you somewhat decently. Where did you even _find_ all of this? You didn't rob a manor or something like that?"

I chuckled and said: "As if that would disturb a guy like you in the slightest! But the original owner of this hoard must have been a high-ranking Dwemer genius who is dead as dead can be – since the late first era. I found a lonely lever lying on display in upper Bkhalzarf. By that time I was still a slave of Shannath Selthrie. Maybe I wanted to keep the lever as a memento maybe I had fantasies about bashing master Selthrie's skull in. I don't know any longer. But it was lucky that I kept the lever. In the Bkhalzarf laboratories, I found the matching socket and could open a secret passage. A small tunnel led me to a hidden treasury but to seize that treasure, I had to tip-toe my way through a fucking maze of trigger plates first. Trigger plates that would have sicked a small host of sphere guards on me. But look here, I'm still alive to tell the tale!" I caught a breath and showed Shaglak a broad grin.

The orc seemed amused. He said: "I must say you were much more modest with that amulet around your neck. All I can spend in good conscience is 5 000 septims for one Dwemer statuette, one golden idol of Dibella, three Dwemer blades, a Dwemer battleaxe, a matching two-handed axe, five black soul gems and an exquisite sapphire. You wouldn't want me to empty my coffers completely, would you?"

I placed a hand to my bosom, gasped for effect's sake and all but sobbed: "Shaglak! I thought we were friends after that drinking contest at Chitin & Flin. And now you're trying to cheat me? The sapphire alone is worth 4 000 septims."

Shaglak groaned and tore at his hair in frustration. He snarled: "Don't you puppy-eye me! That's not fair. Oh fine, I'll make it 5 500 septims. But not one drake more! I might not have enough money left to buy me food otherwise."

I grinned, pointed to the trap-door on my left and said airily: "Oh I think your cellar is stocked well enough to last you some time. But I'll be contended with 5 500 septims. Maybe you'll earn enough with those items to retire? Who knows."

So the deal was made and I received several small sacks full of septims, each one weighing several pounds. What I wouldn't give for my own personal safe in the Dwemer repository now! I tried to adjust all those coins in my backpack and balance them somewhat evenly: a futile exercise. As soon as I heaved the cargo on my back, I almost toppled over. Shaglak snickering behind said back didn't make it easier. I toiled out of his door and back to the smithy.

Now what should I do? I _was_ already overburdened. I couldn't add ten Dwemer metal ingots to my load. Then I was enlightened. I had seen a handcart near the centre of town. I could unload the debris and borrow it for transportation! And so I did. There much better! Well it was still pretty difficult to drag that cart over the rough floor of the cave but it was do-able. Hauling the cart down that tunnel to the mycelium was a hassle however. I cursed every bump, slope and sharp bend.

But the biggest challenge was yet to come. Placing a square cart in a circular elevator… After much grunting and cursing I had managed. Then I pulled the cart along the "pier" to the AHO. Then I unloaded the cargo three ingots at a time. That made three and a half walks. I stacked the ingots and the prowler aetherium cores in the "fore-room" of the upper floor. Then I went looking for master Yen-Ilu and called out to him. He was in the food storage room and gave me a wave through the glass floor. The AHO _did_ have a confusing layout! A short while after he met me on the second floor.

"Hey Agrippina, are you back already," he asked but then answered his own question. "Well obviously! I've been re-filling the food stocks and brewed some more of my infamous Kram Bam Bula. I've never experienced the AHO airborne, let alone in the void. We might be stuck in this _hyperspace_ for quite some time." He fell silent and that gave me a chance to answer.

"Here I am again, master Ilu. I melted down some Dwemer metal junk into 10 ingots. And I already had the prowler aetherium cores in my luggage. Here they are! So what happens next? Can we launch the AHO without tearing Sadrith Kegran apart?" This was all so very complicated but also exciting. Ugh science! I had never been a great fan of magical theory let alone ancient Dwemer knowledge. Whenever I tried to read those essays of outstanding Altmer scholars I developed a massive headache.

Master Yen-Ilu deigned my eagerness with a tiny smile. "Yes, I'm quite sure that we can avoid such a disaster. As I said I have aetherium generators in mind, a portable version. I should be done in… Oh come again tomorrow! The material seems to be enough for five generators. They should be placed on several young sprouts of Tel And. But I need to _make_ them first. Thank you for melting the ingots."

Again I was dismissed and said good-bye. I left the AHO and carted my money well where to? Should I really sleep at Chitin & Flin with so many valuables in my possession? It didn't seem like the smartest idea on Nirn. Funding the legion with my small treasure was complicated, too. I didn't know if the carriage drivers at the gates of the major cities wanted to take such a huge risk of transportation. Bjorlam, Thaer, Kibell and Sigaar seemed like decent, trustworthy guys. But there was always the risk of highwaymen and waylaying. And I knew from experience how vulnerable a safe in the Dwemer repository could be. Shit, what should I do?

Then I snapped my fingers as a thought struck me. Ra'zhirra! The Khajit slave of consul Verendas was _very_ eager to leave Sadrith Kegran after 15 years of *ahem* "service". But how did I find him, burdened with the cart as I was? I pulled the cart along the main roads and walkways of the Dunmer village and spied into the gloomy underbrush. Shellbugs, netch, will-o'-wisps… But where was an impertinent Khajit when you needed one? I almost jumped out of my skin when I felt someone tap on my shoulder.

"Ra'zhirra greets you muthsera! You _were_ looking for this one, right?" a heavily accented voice purred in my right ear. Gah! Khajit and their god-like sneak abilities… I placed a hand over my heart to slow the frantic beating.

Then I turned around and said: "Yes I _was_ looking for a sneaking cat's paw. Please don't scare me again. I almost had a heart attack."

Ra'zhirra's whiskers drooped along with his ears. "This one is sorry," he mewed "but Ra'zhirra can't help it. Old drill, bad habits…" The Khajit shrugged.

I smiled wryly and said: "First of all: don't 'muthsera' me again. I'm clearly and obviously human. I might have some money to spend on your freedom. But how did you end up in captivity in the first place? Only out of curiosity…"

The bare-chested Khajit grinned with all pointy teeth. Then he made a beckoning motion with his right paw. "You know Ra'zhirra's fee," he purred.

 _Oh please!_ I thought but then I handed him 20 septims. The Khajit took the money and stuffed it somewhere in his pants where I had no business, none at all! Then he growled: "The simple answer is: Nords! Ra'zhirra is here because of them. This one was…well working in a very _intelligent_ field of business if you get Ra'zhirra's meaning. Then this one got caught by the ogres of the Windhelm guard of all places! Ra'zhirra enjoyed their _hospitality_ in the dungeonsfor quite a few years but they couldn't break this one. So a corrupt son of a bitch sold Ra'zhirra to the slavers of Sadrith Kegran. That's about it. Ra'zhirra wishes those Nords the worst harvest ever, no: better yet ten meagre harvests in a row!"

The venom behind those words was off-putting but understandable. Poor, washed-up spy! At least that was what I deduced from his tale. But I still had to ask some delicate questions before helping the Khajit.

"Umm Ra'zhirra? If I'd help you regain your freedom would you run back to the Dominion right away? Look, the Thalmor already _are_ a royal pain in my father's ass, matters don't need to be further 'complicated'. Gods this sounds awful!" I fell silent. Trying to strong-hand a slave: had I really sunken so low?

But Ra'zhirra wasn't offended at all. He perked up his ears and purred: "Don't worry friend Agrippina. This one has got better things to do. The Thalmor is long in Ra'zhirra's past now. This one would head for Elsweyr as fast as he could. Ra'zhirra hasn't seen his kittens and beloved wife in a small eternity, yes? The kittens probably won't recognize this one any longer."

Now I felt even guiltier. Ra'zhirra had a family and he hadn't seen them in over 15 years. Ok cynical people may claim that the darn Khajit was laying it on thickly. But I wasn't so calloused yet. So I said: "That's an awful fate! How much money would you need to buy your freedom back? I've got kind of a problem with my finances. No, I'm not indebted to an orcish cutthroat. It's the other way round. I've got too many coins lying around. So I'm looking for a way to lever this burden. I already thought about sending some of my excess money to the Empire's forces. But I'd have to find trustworthy couriers first. Then, there's the problem of bandits on the road…"

Ra'zhirra perked up one ear and lowered the other one. He looked at me with curiosity. Then he said: "Well this one thanks you for the offer of loaning money to a washed-up spy. But Ra'zhirra has already made his own arrangements. He is doing a bit of trading with an outsider. Of course, Ra'zhirra is a law-abiding citizen of the Empire!"

Here, he put one finger under his right eye and pulled at the skin a bit. Oh that sly, sly cat! "But sometimes Ra'zhirra sees things that…offend his sense for aesthetics. So he removes them and makes money of the clutter. Yes? Now to your problem, friend Agrippina. Maybe you should buy a real estate? There's a better mushroom house here in Sadrith Kegran. It's called Hla Fang. It's worth 20 000 septims but maybe you could haggle with my mistress."

Now that was a good advice! I was sick to death of the "As long as you place your feet under _my_ table…"-speech. But then again: I was just turning 17 and technically I still _had_ to ask my father for permission of such a major transaction. Oh joy! What was a girl to do?

In the end I hid my stash of coins. I buried them under the netch grazing range. Or whatever method netch use to sustain their lives… Because I knew how much of a menace an angry betty netch could be! I only left some smaller amount of pocket money on my person.

Then I booked a bed at Chitin & Flinn, hopefully for the very last time. Dalos Verendas was a proper landlord there was no denying it. The food was excellent and the beds were always clean and the guestrooms tidy. But the guy was still leering at me when he thought my attention was captured elsewhere. Even after I had become my own person once again, his funny looks persisted. Did he hope to marry me? Urgh! The very thought made me sick to my stomach. Serjo Verendas was how old again? In his 200s? I didn't even want to know.

So I sat down at a table and wrote a letter to my old man.

 _Dear dad!_

 _Lately I came into the possession of greater riches, an awful lot of septims to be exact. You see I "stumbled" over this hidden Dwemer treasure in a long-lost Dwemer ruin and…ah never mind. The details would bore you to death. But now I have the problem of how to protect all this money. Of course I could fund the Imperial legion a bit. But with the state of Skyrim's country roads and the density of bandits, Forsworn and other bad guys I don't think I could put a courier at such a huge risk._

 _Well this…township where I've served as a slave has a fine, albeit exotic house for sale. It's called "Hla Fang" and worth 20 000 septims. Do I have your favour to buy this mushroom house? I wouldn't know what else to do. Well the Dwemer had a kind of bank here but it's been unattended and unguarded since the late First Era. I really shouldn't store my money_ there. _I hope to gain your permit._

 _Please tell me how much of a bother her excellence and royal nuisance Emissiary Elenwen is. Maybe the Telvanni bug musk perfume lost its power and the lie I told her further spoiled her passion. At least I dearly hope so. And how's the battle against the Stormcloaks going? I myself feel quite fine. I have one huge adventure ahead of me but I'm afraid I can't go into details._

 _Yours dearly_

 _Agrippina Valeria Tullius_

Then I folded the letter, sealed it and tucked it away. I would send it via courier first thing in the morning. I ate a bowl of ash-yams-and-horker-stew and then I retired for the night.

* * *

 _Author's notes the second: Sorry for the long wait folks! But well…I'm writing two stories parallel. This other story is actually a translation of an ancient German storybook. Anna Schieber's Collected Evergreen Tales, some old-fashioned, lengthy, sentimental and spiritual stuff but still it might be worthwhile to read. I released "The tale of the ribbon hawker" under the Misc section, sub-section misc books. How an elderly hawker stands up for a half-witted orphan, who is de facto a house-slave on a farm. Then the girl falls sick and the ribbon hawker nurses her back to health and more…_

 _Anyhow a happy Easter holidays for all and sundry over the whole wide world! Yup even for them bastards in Sri Lanka though it's kind a hard to "love your enemies". Eeew! "Kissy-kissy mean bombing terrorists!" Now what kind of signal would that attitude send?_


	25. Aaand lift-off!

author's notes: Hi folks! This is the last chapter of the adventures of one Agrippina Valeria Tullius. Soon she'll see Tamriel and Skyrim from a perspective that not even the fabled dragons can brag about. And at the end of her quest, she's in for a huuuge surprise. But enough teasers! Please read and review.

disclaimer: Project AHO is intellectual property of the modder Dimonoider. No profit (aside from humble praise) is gained in writing this story. I just "borrow" Dimonoider's cast. But Agrippina is my OC. That being said: back to the story.

* * *

Chapter 25: …Aaand lift-off!

Once again I woke up in the guest room of "Chitin & Flin". And as if on cue there came the Argonian woman-slave with the bucket and wipe-cloth for my cat wash. I didn't even want to know what Dalos did to his "staff" to make them so dutiful and despondent! But still I nodded and said a civil "Thank you".

Then I did my cleaning routine and dressed. Okay, today I would wear smalls with that lovely anchor design and the turquoise dress. That would suffice for Sadrith Kegran if I didn't stir up trouble, that is. Then I went down the tunnel to the counter, bought a chunk of garlic bread and some grilled chicken, milk too. After eating this breakfast I went in search of a courier and found one loitering at the entrance to the cave. Yes, my letter _would_ be sent as soon as he, poor hard-working Altmer, had taken care of his blisters… _Yeah, you look the part!_ I thought. But some things are better left unsaid.

Then I made my way to the mycelium and gawked again. There were just so many emperor parasol roots in this cave! Would all of them disentangle from the AHO in due time? At least I hoped so. Any violent disturbance of Tel And should really be avoided. _Divines forbid that Evo Mils, along with his paperwork, poisons, daggers, desk and chair, suddenly tumbled head over heels! Or may the same Divines forbid that consuls Ever Milo and Marisa Verendas were flung through the air during delicate destruction magic practice!_

But enough of the worst-case-scenarios! I entered the AHO through the hatch and called: "Hi there, master Yen-Ilu! Where are you?" From somewhere within the bowels of the AHO, I heard muffled clanking and cursing. Then, the Telvanni magister appeared from the portal to the left. He still had the tongs in his organic hand and wore a leather apron instead of his hybrid armour. Well it made him look far less intimidating!

"Hey sera Tullius!", he greeted me. "I'm done with the casings of the generators. Handling the aetherium from the prowler cores in its liquid state: _that_ will be the tricky part. But it needs to be done. The aetherium core of the AHO, in a short while, will no longer be available to feed Tel And. Anyhow the core was _waaay_ too much "fertilizer" for Tel And. Our emperor parasol pride and joy would soon have burst through the cave ceiling with its cap. Then our little secret settlement wouldn't be quite so secret any longer, don't you agree?"

"Yes but some fresh air would do well against all this conservative dust in the Council Hall!" I chuckled a bit then I continued more demurely. "Should I wait outside in the mycelium cave? Or is it safe to wait in here until you are done with transferring the aetherium, master Yen-Ilu?"

Master Yen-Ilu looked at me quizzically. Then he said: "Your stay in the AHO should be safe. There's really no need to wait outdoors. Say, have you ever helped in magic rituals of whatever kind? I could need another pair of hands to draw the rune circle of a protective ward. Do you feel up to the task?"

I gave a cautious reply. "Well apart from my childhood days, where I kissed the odd frog in hope of the critter turning into a dashing prince…" Here, master Ilu visibly winced. I continued quickly: "I also helped in the research of some scrolls that consul Milo had inherited from his blessed grandfather, though I'd rather _not_ remember that ordeal. And I took some lessons in destruction from the court wizard of the Blue Palace in Solitude. But only the most basic stuff. Let's just say the woman is _creepy_ and leave it at that."

Master Yen-Ilu put the tongs away on a table then clapped his hands. "Okay then, drawing runes _does_ sound like recreation for you. Welcome to the team spell-wright!"

I looked at the Telvanni a bit flabbergasted. _Now wait, what the heck?!_ But master Yen-Ilu had already turned around to leave for the upper floor. I sighed and followed him through the portal. I was transported to a circular platform that was surrounded by a metal railing. The platform was pretty empty aside from some wooden mannequins and a shelf for storing scrolls – and master Yen-Ilu of course.

He made some casual movements with his hand and animunculus arm and then the metal casings of the generators appeared out of thin air. _Now that's a pretty useful trick!_ I thought. Then the Telvanni turned around and said to me: "If you'd please follow me, sera Tullius… The other stuff is in my lab. I will collect the aetherium cores and you can take glow dust and a calligraphy brush from the alchemy section." He also handed me the key to the cabinet.

I nodded and opened the cabinet. _Phew what a smell!_ It was a breath-taking mix of sweetly, aromatic, rotten and acrid. "Glow dust, where are you?" I muttered to myself. Ah there it was in a bowl, unmistakeably bright yellow shimmering powder that smelled somehow _otherworldly._ I took the bowl from the board, locked the cabinet again and went in search of the brush. I found a whole lot of brushes in a bamboo roll on the table and picked a medium-sized one.

Master Yen-Ilu had the three prowler aetherium cores cradled in his arms and made a beckoning motion with his head. "Now please, let's return to the fore-room," he said. "Alas, rune circles don't draw themselves. Aaah I forgot! Maybe you need a little water from the bathtub on the ground floor to moisten the glow dust?"

I groaned audibly and threw my hands up in the air. Master Yen-Ilu put that rogue smile on his face and chirped: "Just joking! You can use your own spit all the same. Might work even better…"

And so we went down to business. I sucked the tip of the calligraphy brush. _*hurp* Why was the thing made from SABRE CAT HAIR? Oh yeah, right: because the goldilocks of Dibella are incredibly hard to come by._ Anyhow the next hour was…taxing. Master Yen-Ilu gave me a crash course in Deadric lettering. So many hooks, curves and sharp edges! No, I'm _not_ talking about a hagraven but about Deadric characters. I dipped the top of the brush in the glow dust and began to write under tutelage of one Telvanni equipped with saintly patience. Don't ask me, how many times I had to erase my scrawl and start again. But in the end we got it done and the result looked even beautiful.

Then master Yen-Ilu did his mumbo jumbo, the chanting, the invocations et cetera. The aetherium liquefied, floated through the air and landed in the five casings. No accident had happened which I was glad for. Master Yen-Ilu dusted his hands off and I wiped my brow. Then he looked at me and said: "Let's place the generators on the little shoots of Tel And. I'll accompany you. The little shoots are scattered all over Sadrith Kegran. They are recognizable by their yellow, shining bulbs. We should strap the generators around the shoots one at a time. And time will show if we were successful."

And so we left for the upper district of Sadrith Kegran. I carried two of the generators; master Yen-Ilu carried three. We split up at the tunnel entrance near the inn. I followed the wooden walkway to the centre of the village. Oh there was one shoot behind Shaglak's general store! It was a spiky, black appendage and a yellow bubble was embedded in it. I took one of the aetherium generators from my backpack and strapped it to the shoot. The shoot shuddered quickly then went still again. _So maybe that's a good sign?_ I thought. Then I followed the street to the Hla Fang estate. It had a typical Telvanni circular door, storage urns next to the door and even a Telvanni banner hanging from a post. _Yes that would be a fine dwelling._ But right now I had more pressing issues. I searched for an emperor parasol shoot, found one and equipped it with a generator, too. Now I would go looking for master Yen-Ilu.

xxx

Master Yen-Ilu was in a predicament, sort of. He had planted his first generators on small, ground-level shoots. So far, so good. But then he found a more "mature" shoot next to sera Elenil's alchemy workshop. It was approximately ten feet high and the Telvanni magister had suddenly felt…adventurous. He put a levitation spell on himself. But it had been a long time since he had practiced that sort of spell. In a cave there was no real need for defying gravity as the space was often quite enclosed. He started to float all right. He had even, clumsily, flown to the very top of the large shoot. But then the magic suddenly left him! No, he didn't drop. He managed to grab the shoot in a vice-like grip and wrapped his legs around it. Just peachy! Now he was stuck up here and felt like the biggest s'wit on Nirn.

To make matters even worse there was a witness to his folly. Tamina Elenil came out of her workshop to harvest her nightshades and death knells from the flowerbed. But then, she spied master Yen-Ilu clinging to the overgrown shoot and dropped her gardening tools in utter shock. "Yen! I mean serjo Yen-Ilu… What in Mephala's name are you doing to my baby?" she shrieked.

"Tamina look…This is all for the benefit of Sadrith Kegran in the end," the Telvanni magister claimed.

The alchemist lady snorted. "And how will you help Sadrith Kegran? By clinging to this fungus shoot like a frog to a reed?"

"Yeah, it might look pretty ridiculous…," master Yen-Ilu admitted.

"You don't say!" sera Elenil drawled.

"Anyhow; the problem is the aetherium core of the AHO. It attracts nearly every major root of Tel And and the minor mushroom houses. It's way too much fertilizer for Tel And. So me and sera Tullius are placing five portable aetherium generators on the shoots and buds of Tel And. This will hopefully divert the roots from the AHO. You see, we plan to launch the AHO shortly," the Telvanni magister explained.

"Launching the AHO? Blessed Sotha Sil _do_ be careful with the preparations, master Yen-Ilu. I don't want to find Tel And torn asunder," Tamina Elenil cried.

Master Yen-Ilu clenched his teeth and hissed: "And this is why I'm taking all this trouble. Now if you would excuse me… Your "baby" won't be harmed in any way!"

Sera Elenil grumbled something along the lines of "hopefully" and turned to her poisonous plant life. Master Yen-Ilu rummaged around under his shirt with his mechanical hand and pulled out the aetherium generator. But he would have to use both hands to strap the thing to the mushroom shoot. Hopefully his legs were still toned and well-muscled! But then he saw his momentary apprentice come along the wooden walkway…

xxx

 _Now where in Julianos' name is master Yen-Ilu?_ I couldn't help but wonder. I had already been all over Sadrith Kegran (even in Merano Rendo's little refuge) and hadn't seen him. Then I let my eyes roam over the ponds near sera Elenil's workshop. There I spied the Telvanni magister clinging to this overgrown emperor parasol shoot. Oh dear! First I stared then I laughed so hard that my sides ached. Master Yen-Ilu heard me and blushed to an imposing shade of dark grey.

"Master Yen-Ilu how…?" I started to ask.

The scholar of Dwemer culture and technology growled like an angry wolf. "An unreliable levitation spell is to blame," he interrupted me.

Tamina Elenil looked at me with her smuggest know-it-all-expression. Then she said: "He's doing antics like a youngster mer in his 100s," and gave me a wink.

There it was again: the confusion, mild shock or utter horror concerning mer and their loooong life-spans. "Younger than the mountains, older than the trees," seems to apply for nearly _all_ elves of Nirn. But I digress…

"Ahem master… Can I help somehow?" I asked.

"Yes Agrippina, you _can_ help by not spreading any humiliating tales. That goes as well for sera Elenil," master Yen-Ilu added as an afterthought. "But climbing this fungus shoot in a dress will be a fool's errand. So I'll try to manage on my own."

I really couldn't see any fault in that so I just stood there as a spectator. Master Yen-Ilu pushed his thighs together. Then he strapped the aetherium generator to the shoot. But this emperor parasol sprout was _a bit_ bigger than the other ones. So the shaking was more forceful and the Telvanni scholar was bucked off. He landed in the shallow pond with a *splash* and a loud "OUCH!"

I winced and unstrapped my backpack. Hopefully I still had some healing potions. But sera Elenil reacted as well. She rose from her gardening with a shout of "Oh dear!" Then she asked tartly: "Well am I allowed to do something _now?_ "

Master Yen-Ilu spat an impressive string of Dunmeri curses that caused the alchemist to wag her pointy ears and blush dark grey. "Language, master Yen-Ilu!" she squeaked after he was done.

Well I could surely be more of a help. I found a potion of critical healing and offered it to the magister. He had already sat up under much grunting and moaning. Then he all but grabbed the potion from my hand and emptied the bottle in one go. After a tremendous *BURP* he seemed to feel better. He could rise on his feet, albeit gingerly.

Then he wrung his clothes out and said: "Well, that was that. Now let's see if these emperor parasol roots can be fooled by the smaller aetherium generators. It might take a while. So we can say goodbye to the people of Sadrith Kegran. I will go and see Shannath first. I think _you_ have your own special friends here."

I sighed and said: "Yeah, let's make the tour of town. Evo Mils will be overjoyed that I am finally out of his hair. But concerning Shannath; do you think he could accompany us? What I gathered from your weird love-hate-relationship is that it would mean the world to him."

Master Yen-Ilu grimaced and asked: "Agrippina, do you really think that's wise? We'd be responsible for all the antics he might come up with in his confused state."

Well the scholar of Dwemer culture _did_ have a point there. I imagined the mischief that Shannath Selthrie could do in the wilderness or the havoc he could wreak in cities. Oh dear, oh dear! I squashed all further urges to fulfil my former owner's heart desire. So I said to master Yen-Ilu: "You have a point here. Shannath Selthrie trying to tickle a dragon or the very same bastard kidnapping people in Rifton to experiment on them? Not good! O. k. He stays at home."

Now that this was decided we split up to say our farewells. Ra'zhirra the rumor-monger wished me "warm sands" on my further travels – a typical Khajiti greeting. Yes I would miss the nosy tomcat that came and went like a jack-in-the-box.

I said goodbye to Varen Rendo next. But the village blacksmith only grunted. Again, he was too busy to make it more formal.

Then I went across the square to Shaglak's general store. This farewell was a bit problematic as the orc had gotten me in this mess of abduction and slavery in the first place. But our booze night at Chitin & Flin seemed to have mended the bridge. Shaglak – more formally known as Yarog gro-Shak – gave me an orcish bear hug. I _definitely_ heard my bones crunch here and said a strangled: "Could you release me please?" The orc flushed brown in the face, grumbled "Sorry!" and let me go.

Then I walked the few paces to Bralys Sendu's shop for meat, furs and hunting gear. I could smell the sujama as soon as I stepped through the door. Oh boy! The shop was empty, safe for a very drunk Bralys Sendu. "Who's there?" he slurred, tried to rise from his chair but thought better of it. He'd probably have fallen flat on his face in his state.

"It's sera Tullius. I wanted to say goodbye to the locals of Sadrith Kegran but this isn't the best moment probably… Anyhow where are serjo Dwyn and Aryni?"

I was met by the unfocused stare of the hunter. Then, the elder Sendu grumbled: "Gone on a honeymoon, they did. *hiccup* Probably spla-ashin' in the hot springsh." Then his eyes rolled up in his head and said head hit the tabletop with a *thunk*. I winced and went searching for a cushion in the backroom. I couldn't haul the beefy Dunmer to his bed. So I took the pillow from his bed, hoisted his head up by the dreadlocks, pushed the pillow in the appropriate spot and gently lowered his head again. I also placed a bucket right next to the table in case that serjo Sendo had to puke when he regained his senses. Then I quickly left the house.

My next stop would be the Council Hall. On my way there I said some short parting words to some of the Morag Tong guards. Most of them weren't very chatty, a few were downright jerks. Of course they lacked people skills; they were killers-for-hire after all! The consuls, Ever Milo and Marisa Verendas, said how sorry they were to see me go, blah, blah, blah. They renewed their offer to make me a member of Great House Telvanni, provided I had the guts and ambition for it. Consul Milo even gave me another one of his "surprise scrolls" as parting gift. _Wow Stendarr; thank you old chum! I'll appreciate your "best wishes" when reading this spell will do Divines-know-what to me._ But once again: some things are better left unsaid. I briefly pondered whether to say goodbye to the leader of the local Morag Tong chapter but wisely dismissed the fancy. Evo Mils and impish little I had enough of a history as it was.

The next Dunmer I said farewell to was Midnabi the artist. She forced the picture of the young lady levitating among the emperor parasols on me. Well it _was_ a happy, lively topic. (She could also have gifted me with her sketch of the Devil-under-the-mountain! The horror!) The only problem was: how the heck was I going to squeeze this into my backpack? Still I thanked Midnabi and left her workshop.

Then I pointedly walked past master Selthrie's door. I would make _that_ goodbye to be the very last on my list. I entered the tunnel near the inn and walked past all these glowing fungi, blossoms, vibrant ferns and other alien plant-life. I would miss it in the rather drab surface world. I took the Dwemer doors to the farm. There I was waving goodbye at all the birds, bees, butterflies, netches and guars. Tadys Andavel stood in the shade of a big spruce tree and drank what looked like carrot juice. He looked up as he heard the grass rustling and started to squint. He'd once told me that "his eyesight wasn't what it used to be any longer".

So I called out to him: "Hey serjo Andavel! It's me, Agrippina. I recovered the ring for your wife. Do you remember?"

His face lit up a tiny bit. I had once read that Dunmer mostly kept their expressions stoic because they "didn't like to twist their faces like monkeys". Anyhow the farmer said with his gravelly voice: "Yes I remember. You boldly worked your way through heaps of manure to recover that ring. And it was worth every trouble. My wife was struck speechless for once when she opened her birthday present."

I beamed at serjo Andavel and said: "Thank you! I'm glad your wife liked it. I dropped by to say farewell to you, serjo Andavel. I'll leave Sadrith Kegran for a while and I don't know if or when I'll be back. I'll also say goodbye to your wife but not to sera Rendo. She's probably still a bitch concerning her _precious_ carrots."

The last time I had been to the farm I'd had an ugly spat with Galsa Rendo. Among other mean things she had screeched: "Don't you dare trample over my carrots! *Psshh* N'wah these days!" Yup, charming woman… I'd simply do my best to avoid her.

Tadys Andavel blushed to a nice shade of dark grey and he said: "Yes Galsa has a somewhat loose tongue. But she's a decent fieldworker. That's why I tolerate her bitching."

I just shrugged and said: "Okay I know the way around here. Oh am I allowed to cuddle some of the guars?"

Tadys Andavel chuckled then he coughed. At last he said: "Yes you can cuddle them. But mind those claws of the adult animals!" Well that was a sensible warning. While domesticated guars were bred as beasts-of-burden (and sometimes for their meat and hides) they still could sport fearsome claws! I snuck through the foliage until I came to a small clearing with an equally small flock of guars.

Then I stooped forward a bit, lightly slapped my thighs and cooed: "Cooome here sweet critter-critters. Auntie Agrippina wants to pet you one last time."

All their lumpy heads snapped up. While some of the guars looked at me warily, others gave me a totally unwarranted death glare. _Huh what have I ever done to them? I never yelled abuse at them, never hit them with a stick, never shot them with a sling shot… Oh right; I was trampling their lunch._

"Sorry," I said. "I'll be gone before long. I just wanted to say goodbye to you and maybe cuddle one of your lot." One of the flock made that trumpet-like bawl and walked towards me. It was a stately female with broad stripes on its back. It held still as I stroked and patted its muscular body. Tough reptilian skin spread under my fingers and the guar nudged me gently. "Yes, you're such a strong, pretty mare. Or cow? Huh whatever! Now I'll give you a warning beforehand. Tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow there might be a bit of shaking and shivering under this beautiful dome. Please don't panic and stampede. It's just the AHO getting launched for the first time in ages."

The guar just looked at me dumbly. Oh right: cattle often weren't very bright. So I just sighed and walked on to the bridge gapping the stream. As always, fishing rods were stuck in the rings of the Dwemer stones so that the salmon might catch themselves on the hooks.

Selveni Andavel was at one of the fields harvesting wheat with the scythe. I called a greeting to her and she looked up and shouldered her scythe for a while.

"Ah, sera Tullius", she called. "We haven't met in _quite_ some time. The harvest is always…taxing. So I could use a break. To what do I owe you the pleasure?"

"Umm…", I started unsurely. "I wish I could say that I stopped by just to cuddle the guars. But this is a kind of courtesy call or farewell even. Master Yen-Ilu wants to launch the AHO and I'd like to accompany him on this first flight. The AHO is still located on the floor below the farmstead. But that will change in the next days. We've already taken precautions to untangle the roots of Tel And from this unique Dwemer vessel. So Sadrith Kegran should stay relatively unscathed." _Oh those "would's" and "should's"! Not very reassuring but at some point in practical research you just_ had _to try your luck._

And indeed, sera Andavel looked a bit plopped down on a hay-bale and shook her adorned head. Why she'd choose to wear a circlet even at the farm is anyone's guess; but she wore one – albeit of minor quality (probably copper). But that was just a very idle observation of mine. Well sera Andavel waited a few moments then she asked: "So master Yen-Ilu wants to do this, too? And here I thought, it was master Selthrie's folly. Well, let's hope that your precautions work. A lot depends on it."

I nodded in understanding and said: "Yes, I know. I came here by force and only half a year ago. But I've seen what you accomplished over the past centuries: the emperor parasol village, other alien, vibrantly coloured plant life and your very livelihood. I know from tales and a bit of snooping that children were conceived and raised in this very cave. It would be an awful shame, if some accident happened. On the other hand this whole community would have to be relocated to erase all risks. Well that's not really an alternative for you, is it?"

Sera Andavel's spooked expression was enough of an answer. Oops, maybe some soothing was in order? Yup, definitely. So I put a bright smile on my face and said: "Master Yen-Ilu _knows_ what he's doing. He put a lot of consideration in these safety measures with the portable aetherium generators and a lot of work, too. This township will see another era. There might only be some minor shaking and quaking but well…" I finished lamely and shrugged. Then I said goodbye and left the farmstead.

I walked back to the main cave and through the whole settlement to reach the mushroom house of my former owner. This last farewell was going to be…messy one way or another. I just didn't know if former master Selthrie was delusional or ill-tempered right now. I blew out a breath and pulled at the knocker to open the door. _(author's notes in between: Telvanni doors DO have some strange mechanics…)_ I walked into the kitchen-alchemy-enchanting room and overheard the last lines of a conversation. It sounded as if master Yen-Ilu was pleading with the reason (or lack thereof) of his former colleague.

"Shannath, for Sotha Sil's sake! The spirit of your late son is relatively happy and content beyond the waking door. It's not as if he were going anywhere soon, apart from some haunting. So there's no need to hasten your own demise," Yen-Ilu was saying right now.

My appearance cut short an answer that would have been hot-headed at least. _Uh-oh!_ I thought with a shudder. _Dunmer and their last rites and relations with their "blessed ancestors": that's one creepy topic._ But I kept this opinion to myself. I turned to master Yen-Ilu and said (as brightly as I could): "Hi master Yen-Ilu! I said goodbye to just about anyone that mattered to me in Sadrith Kegran. Let's see… Consuls Verendas and Milo are still offering me a chance to join Great House Telvanni. Shaglak almost crushed me in a bear hug. Maren and Aryni Dwyn are on their honeymoon. Bralys Sendu is a drunken mess again. The Andavels are still very uneasy about the upcoming launch. But I hope I managed to soothe them. Midnabi gave me one of her pictures as a parting gift. Now I'm almost ready to pack my things."

Then Shannath Selthrie turned on me and screeched: "Oh no you won't! There are still so many chores to do in my house. First…"

"Oh stop it, serjo Selthrie," I sighed in a long-suffering voice. "Just stop it. In case you've forgotten: I'm my own person again. You've got no right to order me around anymore. Now where on Nirn is Snippy? Snippy? Where are you, little Dwemer ball? I _know_ I left him at this place."

My calling attracted the cute little Dwemer animunculus but he didn't look so well. It looked as if a certain crazy Telvanni scientist had taken the poor thing apart and reassembled it in the wrong order. And indeed, when Snippy rolled past master Selthrie he poked the old Dunmer with his shock-rod. Master Selthrie jumped in the air, yelped and shook his fist at the Dwemer creation.

I scowled at the ginger-haired Dunmer, crossed my arms in front of my chest and chided: "That's the first and last time I allowed you to borrow Snippy! What have you done to the poor machine? On second thought: I really don't want to know." Then I pulled the controller from my pocket and pressed the recall button. Immediately, Snippy disappeared in a green mist and was transported back to the AHO – out of the reach of one very disturbed Telvanni magister.

Then I turned to master Yen-Ilu and said: "I will put on my adventure gear and then I'll collect some septims and my other stuff so we can _finally_ hike to Avanchinzel. But take all the time you need with your former colleague."

Then I left master Selthrie's mushroom house while he still called some crass language after me. Really why had I even bothered to stop by? Probably just because I wanted to check on Snippy. I walked back to Chitin & Flin, changed into my light chitin armour, belted my ancient Dwemer sword and fastened an elven bow and a quiver of arrows on my back. Just for show; I wasn't such a good markswoman. Being thus equipped, I went down to the counter and bought a small stock of food and drinks that I stored in my backpack. Then I said goodbye to Dalos Verendas and walked outdoors again. I went to the netch pasture and dug the chest with my spare money out again. Oh yes, it _was_ a pretty sum! I filled a lot of coins in my purse and tried to stuff the purse under my chest-piece. No, too little space. I would be rubbed raw in no time at all. So I tied the purse to my belt. Then I went searching for Slyboots.

A vampirized burned spriggan shouldn't be too hard to find. And Indeed I found her roasting a mudcrab. Well hopefully it wasn't my favourite trader! I said to Slyboots: "Hello spooky girl! Here I am again. The great adventure is about to begin. Will you accompany me and master Yen-Ilu to Avanchinzel once again?"

Slyboots uttered a happy screech and jumped giddily up and down. Then she bent down and scribbled in the dust. "Yes, I'd _love_ to go. I think this village is growing weary of me. Everywhere I go I get strange looks… Not nice! Thanks to Shannath Selthrie I can't help the way I look."

I sighed and said: "Yes this lunatic has a lot to answer for. But not now; _now_ we meet Yen-Ilu and then off we go! You can hunt and eat in the wilderness." So we went back to Shannath Selthrie's mushroom house and found master Yen-Ilu on the threshold where he pinched the bridge of his nose. Apparently his discussion with his one-time superior had gotten him nowhere. I told him that I had gathered all the necessary things for a hike. Master Yen-Ilu told me to wait by the main gate of Sadrith Kegran. Meanwhile he would change into his Telvanni hybrid armour and pack his things, too. I walked one last time along the wooden walkways and waited by the gate. Some minutes later, master Yen-Ilu came donned in his adventure gear and carried an enchanted, dragon-shaped staff. Slyboots had eaten enough grilled mudcrabs to last her through the day. So we walked up the short tunnel and pushed the bronze doors open.

The sulphur stench of the Eastmarch caldera met our noses. _Yuck! I'll probably never get used to this smell._ So we carefully walked through the turquoise "water" and went up the ravine where the giant still stood watch over his dead mammoth. But there were no predators or ill-tempered trolls within our safety distance. So I had time to play the "pilgrim's game". I started to chant:

" _A hat, a staff an ancient man_

'Thank you very much!', master Yen-Ilu chimed in.

" _Forwards, backwards, sidestep,_

 _march!"_

It's so much fun during a long hike. I did the according movements and chanted over and over again:

" _A hat, a staff an ancient man._

 _Forwards, backwards, sidestep, march!"_

Until master Yen-Ilu spoiled the fun and said that we'd never arrive at Avanchinzel if I kept up this "pace". _Meh!_ But of course he was right. On this trip we kept to the cobbled road to Rifton. It was pretty steep in some parts and we both huffed and had to stop a few times to catch our breath. That one time near North Wall Peak we had to duck behind a roadside wall because a dragon was swooping overhead in big circles. _Oh where's a Dragonborn when you need one?_ But the huge flying lizard was content with roaring to the skies and soon it disappeared behind the mountain.

So we stood up again, straightened our clothes and Slyboots dusted her bark off. Soon we came to Shor's Stone and no they still had no inn. We had to carry on to Rifton. We gave Fort Greenwall a wide berth. There were still bandits holed up in the old Imperial fortress and we didn't want to be thrown in their dungeon or worse. Finally the outer watch towers of Rifton came in sight. We entered the city without being bothered by any greedy guard. I had heard rumours that Rifton was the most run-down and corrupt city in Skyrim and even the Camonna Tong seemed to have a foothold there. Sometimes listening to marketplace gossip can lead to some thrilling revelations. Like the question, how many men (bachelors _and_ husbands alike!) the insatiable Healga was "courting" this month… Or the profitable skooma trafficking at the Rifton harbour warehouse. But Ajiameh the Dragonborn had put an end to this seedy operation.

When I had listened to enough wild tales I booked two rooms at Barb & Bee for me and master Yen-Ilu. Slyboots still wasn't allowed to enter the city which was actually a shame. She could have helped Keerava in her kitchen as some people like their sweets and desserts first drenched in booze and then burnt crispy. But the guards were steadfast - in this matter at last: no Slyboots in our town! I and master Yen-Ilu ate the soup of the day and then we went to bed. It was already evening after all and dusk was fast approaching.

The next day we woke up to the chirp of a nightingale which was a welcome change to the usual ear-shattering *cock-adoodle-doo*. ( _author's notes in between: The crowing of a cock CAN grate on one's nerves, yes surely and indeed! And when several cocks are around it only gets worse. I work next to the local pet zoo so I know what I'm talking about. I'm not allowed to go on a killing spree. All I can do is fantasize about cock-in-wine… And don't get me started on the sheep and their god-damn bleating!)_ I stretched and yawned then I did my cat-wash over the bucket. Alas there was no screen! Well it seemed that the good people of Rifton weren't prude at all. _Better deal with it in dignity, Agrippina!_ Luckily master Yen-Ilu was still asleep and I hoped that he had switched his eye implant to "stand-by-mode". Provided there _was_ such a thing as stand-by-mode in ancient Dwemer technology… Then I put on my padded underwear that went with the traditional Dunmeri chitin armour, grabbed my purse and went down into the guestroom.

On the last steps of the stair I was already met with roaring laughter. There was a giddy crowd gathered around a corner table. I couldn't see a thing so I climbed on an empty table (much to the chagrin of Talen-Jei and Keerava) and was rewarded with a ridiculous spectacle. The pair at the corner table consisted of none other than Maven Black-Briar and her spoilt son Hemming. _Somehow_ Hemming had his neck stuck in a wooden plate and his mother was tugging and tearing at the offensive tableware to make it come off. But she didn't have any success as of yet. I just gawked bemusedly and asked myself: _How the fuck does SUCH an accident happen?!_ But again: sometimes it's better _not_ to ask questions. That goes twice for the Black-Briar family.

So I hopped down from the tabletop and ordered a breakfast consisting of a cream bun and a cup of milk. Yum! After some minutes master Yen-Ilu came down the stairs and scanned the room with his Dwemer implant. After having spied me he went to the counter and ordered _his_ breakfast. We said good-morning to each other. Then I chuckled and told him: "Master Yen-Ilu, you just missed a sight for gods and men! Hemming Black-Briar got his neck stuck in a wooden plate. I don't know how he managed that but there he was. His mother wanted to free him with much tugging and tearing and the other patrons had a good laugh. But both Black-Briars have already departed."

Master Yen-Ilu grinned and wagged his head from side to side. Then he said over munches of an apple pie: "I would have paid a fortune to see it! Serves that arrogant brat right…" The Black-Briars weren't very popular in Rifton, especially their matriarch Maven, a ruthless, shrewd businesswoman who would stop at absolutely nothing. Officially she was a staunch supporter of the Empire in Skyrim. But she also shook hands with the Thieves' Guild and Dark Brotherhood alike.

After breakfast we paid the tab and I put on the rest of my chitin armour. We left Rifton through the southern gate near Mistveil Keep. The cobbled road turned west and snaked along the banks of Lake Honrich. We passed Snowshoe Farm, Goldengleam Manor on its island and the orcish village of Largashbur. The Orsimer tribes in Skyrim lived a very sheltered life and had a hard time with trusting strangers. I've heard enough tales of adventurers who had been chased away at sword-point. It was a beautiful trip only marred by some frostbite spiders and a patrol of very snooty, rude Thalmor, a wizard and two grunts. They started to pick on master Yen-Ilu with imperious questions as to the "where from" and our destination. Master Yen-Ilu told them with icy courtesy that we were going to cook eggs in one of the great steam engines of Avanchinzel.

The Thalmor felt mocked of course and with shouts of "Insolence!" and "Heathens!" they wanted to teach us manners. Hah, good chance… A screeching, flame-throwing Slyboots sent the grunts packing soon enough and as for the wizard… Master Yen-Ilu had grabbed him by the throat and recited the sermon of the seven graces. By the time the Telvanni was done, the Thalmor wizard had suffocated. *sigh* Aaah heavenly peace! Slyboots came back some minutes later and her face was contorted by a satisfied grin.

I snickered and said: "Well that went better than I thought luckily. Let's go on." Not far from our ugly spat we spotted a burning tree and the couple of Thalmor grunts were clinging to the very top branches and shouting some Aldmeri choice words. Poor sods! All they could do was trying to douse the flames with their piss.

Finally we left the main road on a dirt path to the left and stood before Avanchinzel. I led master Yen-Ilu and Slyboots up on the left walkway, then over some stairs to the strange balcony. Master Yen-Ilu rested his organic hand on my shoulder and turned me around: "Agrippina Valeria Tullius," he said. "I think it's time for a little speech. I think back on all the horror and pain that Shannath put you through. How the amulet of suppression was placed on you so that you should fulfil his every last whim. I also think back on all the dangerous errands that _I_ sent you on. I think it's time for a reward. I will give you the AHO with all its wonderful machines, the distillery, the labs the storerooms. You will be mistress of your own flying home from now on."

I looked at master Yen-Ilu totally gobsmacked. _Was the Telvanni egghead really serious about this?_ Not that I would complain but out of decency I still had to ask: "But master Yen-Ilu are you really sure about this? The AHO is one-of-a-kind!"

The Telvanni magister smiled at me and said: "Yes Agrippina; I'm quite sure that you deserve this honour. To be honest: guarding the vessel against Shannath has been a burden. The expedition came to Skyrim to study a lot of Dwemer ruins, not just Bkhalzarf, fascinating as it might be. So that's what I'll do from now on. I'll be on the road again, adventuring and dungeon-delving. Who knows? I might still discover some Dwemer secret more sensational than the AHO. Please go ahead. Put the cube in its socket. That's a thing I still want to witness."

So I pulled the programmed Dwemer cube from my backpack and put it between the clamps of the socket. The whole socket started to shake but that was nothing compared to the sky. Lightning started to strike the ground and a swirling dark purple vortex formed among the clouds. Then the AHO appeared with a thunderclap. It was fucking huge! Four mighty chains ending in hooks were shot up in the air. They caught unto the hull of the AHO and the vessel was "pulled to port" so to say. That took a while but finally the AHO lay before me in a cloud of steam. _Oh gods this is awesome!_ I cheered in my head. _A kingly gift indeed…_

I turned back to master Yen-Ilu, made a kotau and said: "Thank you very much. This is a priceless gift. I will cherish it and maybe it will become an heirloom for my children and grandchildren. Provided I don't crash-land it first."

Master Yen-Ilu looked at me with all the severity of an angry hawk. Then he said: "You better don't crash-land the AHO! Well this is the moment. I'll be leaving for the Reach. Enjoy your first flight. One more thing: I also left my collection of cocktail recipes for you to use at your discretion. Please don't overdo it." Then he turned around and walked down the stairs.

Me? I grabbed the control cube and all but jumped through the hatch and on board. Slyboots followed more warily. I whooped and cheered and ran in circles on the upper deck. Snippy soon joined me and beeped like mad. He had been repaired by some unknown entity. _Oh gods where shall I fly first?_ I asked myself. Maybe I should fly to Alftand-in-the-ice and swoop low over Solitude? And give my father a good scare? A devilish smirk spread on my face…

* * *

THE END (as of yet)

 _Author's notes the second: Well now the story is complete. (*whew* and wiping my brow) I hope you like it. As for the weird accident that happened to Hemming Black-Briar… That one episode is due to a video glitch of Skyrim. A lot of these actually happen often with very funny results. Well my player character entered the Bee & Barb one fine evening and after the loading screen, the tableware and cutlery of the inn was suddenly sent flying. And Hemming Black-Briar had his neck stuck in a wooden plate, like a collar. But he kept on eating as if nothing had happened. And yeah, most Thalmor suck. Maybe now I'll turn back to my unfinished project "The horror of Northwatch Keep". _


End file.
